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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:
LillyGrinter · 26/02/2017 21:35

Sorry Rugby you referred to my dh as a twat. How bloody rude. He took the advice from the NCT and it was advocating the advice that you have yourself
**Having a 'baby moon' is woundeful and allows baby and parents/siblings to bond, heal, relax without having up put up with random relatives and friends guzzling tea and gawping at your boobs.
Why does that make him a twat

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 21:39

Ok done here.

Spread the peace and love ladies/men whoever is posting.

U2 I am the mil and think we had this conversation learn night? Wierd!

sympatico1 · 26/02/2017 21:41

Motherinferior, you sound like a lovely daughter in law, your mother in law is very lucky (I also have an angel of a daughter in law and I thank God every day!!!) Smile

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 21:42

lily your dh took it as right and you ended up lonely and isolated??

He's a twat. He presumably disregarded your feelings? No? That's what you posted?

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 21:45

My advice for mr was a baby moon.

For every other mum it was listen to the mum. Read my posts.uour dh should have regarded your feelings not s Random woman from NCT

LillyGrinter · 26/02/2017 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 22:28

lily we all have our problems and histories and I hope you are ok now.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 22:28

lily we all have our problems and histories and I hope you are ok now.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 26/02/2017 22:31

To be honest, I'm never particularly arsed about holding a newborn. I don't really see what the big deal is. They are boring and mostly sleep. When people ask if I want a hold I usually feel bad admitting no not particularly but if they are asleep il say not to disturb them. If they don't ask then I certainly won't ask for a hold.

I quite like having a wee play with them when they are older though say from a few months plus.

I was never bothered if people wanted to hold mine but it never made them grouchy. I'd not be changing them into different clothes just for a photo though.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 22:42

Yes I need to interject here that I am not the best person to really get involved in these babymoon/ ban visitors threads. Blush
I did ban my mil from seeing my dd (and by extension fil which is a shame but he continues to enable her...) because I didn't want her near me and couldn't bear for her to hold my child- dh was nc at the time and agreed.
My own parents popped in with a stew in a pot for the first day I was home, then nothing for a week, was lovely.

A dil that allows her own mother continued access to herself and newborn but flat out bans her inlaws from popping in for no reason is nasty.
While its great that some mums do manage to just get on with things, many dont and I think it would be best for grandparents to take this into consideration.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 26/02/2017 23:11

Sadly personal attacks here.

Have reported

lily as I have posted here if you need help Pm me. I lead to report your post as it was nasty.

And heads up as said before everyone had problems. My dd had PTSD too and we as a family were involved in a national reported incident you ate not alone

CaraAspen · 27/02/2017 01:23

Some people need to calm down and desist from trying to "talk over" other posters.

Littlepiglittlepig3letmeIN · 27/02/2017 09:09

As usual- some mils from hell in the making on this thread.

The reason we notice faults in others is usually because we possess the same faults in ourselves.
The mil-hating dils should take a hard look at themselves.

ollieplimsoles · 27/02/2017 14:17

The reason we notice faults in others is usually because we possess the same faults in ourselves.
The mil-hating dils should take a hard look at themselves.

A nice snippet of pop psychology there little and yes the second half of that is sound advice, however- dont be so general, some dils have been put through hell by their mils.

sympatico1 · 27/02/2017 15:01

Very true ollieplimsoles, I was put through hell (but to fair, so was all her family) by my mother in law, but I always treated her the way I would wish to be treated when I became a mother in law - if nothing else, she showed me how NOT to behave with your family. In the long run, it is just better to rise above it and keep everything civil, if only for your spouses sake.

PointxTaken · 27/02/2017 16:33

So many unreasonable posters on here, it's unreal.

A babymoon sounds fantastic if that is your wish. Really, a woman just had a baby, is sleep deprived, bruised, has painful stitches, even a bowel movement is a struggle, she wants to stay in her pyjamas, sleep when she can and enjoy her new baby.
But no, she is a terrible daughter-in-law if she doesn't get up, have a shower, get dressed, clean the house to host a tea party for family members who believe they have a "right" to impose and want to have their photo taken with the new baby to show their neighbour that the new baby is all about them, who cares about the mother.

It's absolutely ridiculous. No wonder MIL have such an awful reputation.

Sallystyle · 27/02/2017 16:49

But no, she is a terrible daughter-in-law if she doesn't get up, have a shower, get dressed, clean the house to host a tea party for family members who believe they have a "right" to impose and want to have their photo taken with the new baby to show their neighbour that the new baby is all about them, who cares about the mother.

Stop making stuff up. No one said new mums need to get showered and dressed or clean the house or host a tea party Hmm

If I was the type of person to care that my inlaws would see me in my pjs I would have told dh to stay with his parents and the baby and I would have had a lovely 30 minutes or so by myself in the bath or in my room.

The answer wouldn't be to say they couldn't come for a couple of weeks because I don't want to put some clothes on.

Keeping grandparents away for a couple of weeks because you don't want to get dressed and you're worried your house is messy is ridiculous.

Astro55 · 27/02/2017 16:54

MIL was quite critical of MY dusty skirting boards - obvs DH wasn't in anyway responsible - just the way the older gerneration are - that and they love a gossip!!

BertrandRussell · 27/02/2017 17:05

"But no, she is a terrible daughter-in-law if she doesn't get up, have a shower, get dressed, clean the house to host a tea party for family members who believe they have a "right" to impose and want to have their photo taken with the new baby to show their neighbour that the new baby is all about them, who cares about the mother."

Bloody hell, people do make stuff up, don't they? Grin

ollieplimsoles · 27/02/2017 18:30

Bertrand- yes people do exaggerate but you need to realise there are new mums with real struggles, we aren't all the same with our in laws!

What if your dil had anxiety and pnd and just couldn't face anyone coming round? It doesn't matter of you think she's been silly or dramatic, its how she feels- it can be a complicated time. I found letting people come for a 'quick cuddle and meet the baby' really hard when I got out of hospital. Yes I was accused of being selfish- but in my opinion, they were the selfish ones. I had treatment for anxiety in pregnancy and was high risk for pnd, people knew this and still made demands- so I just closed the door.

BertrandRussell · 27/02/2017 18:37

Of course some people have mental or physical health issues. I am sure I said that for those that do things absolutely have to be done differently.

pictish · 27/02/2017 21:33

"But no, she is a terrible daughter-in-law if she doesn't get up, have a shower, get dressed, clean the house to host a tea party for family members who believe they have a "right" to impose and want to have their photo taken with the new baby to show their neighbour that the new baby is all about them, who cares about the mother."

Bullshit. But don't let what people have actually said about this topic stand in the way of enjoying some exaggeration and drama.
Clean the house and host a tea party? Only in your imagination...but you have fun.

pictish · 27/02/2017 21:34

Oh hehe. I see others have called the bollocks out already. Quite right.

WatchHowISoar · 28/02/2017 21:01

I was in hospital a few days with ds,,we said no visitors because I was very unwell, anaemic and completely upsettingly incontinent. Parents were disappointed but understood, especially when they visited the day we got home and saw how ill I was.

The traumatic birth didn't help my anxiety either and combined with difficulty breastfeeding...we had immediate family only for the time it took me to regain some continence and settle the baby and ourselves.

Only one person wasn't happy. A friend who didn't understand that I was really not well, sleep deprived and busy. She was put out I couldn't phone her for a few weeks or have long conversations about her. Texting wasn't enough.

PointxTaken · 01/03/2017 13:08

Bullshit. But don't let what people have actually said about this topic stand in the way of enjoying some exaggeration and drama.
Clean the house and host a tea party? Only in your imagination...but you have fun.

I don't know ANYONE who would have visitors coming over whilst in their pyamas, the house a tip and who would not offer a tea (at the very least) to their visitors. That's not being dramatic, that's having basic manners. You might be used to have friends coming whilst you are in your bed and not offering them a drink, but in real life I don't know anyone who would behave that way. Normal people shower, get dressed and make sure the house is welcoming.

Sometimes I wonder on which planet in which neighbourhood people on this forum live. It sounds ghastly. I am sure you are exagerating for this post, no one does live that way, do they?