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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She's not a toy!

331 replies

imisschocolate · 24/02/2017 08:29

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

OP posts:

sorenipples · 25/02/2017 05:41

I went to school. In its latin origins trimester means 3 months. Not sure your point?

Bluebellevergreen · 25/02/2017 05:41

😳
Can't people that don't have an education be mums?

There is no need to offend anyone.

I have read about this concept and think it makes much sense. I didn't name it by the way.
It has been advised to me by health professionals, midwives, health visitors and so on. Not sure if they wear amber necklaces but they all have years of studies and experience so I listened.

Paninotogo · 25/02/2017 05:46

What is it the fourth 3 months of sorenipples?

SuperBeagle · 25/02/2017 05:54

I have heard the term, usually from people that buy amber necklaces and call age-old practices by new wanky names, (baby wearing, baby led weaning, etc) it is the actual term that is ridiculous.

sorenipples · 25/02/2017 06:03

Its the 4th trimester since conception. Not a conventional thing to measure I agree. But not sure why it deserves mocking.

Ineke · 25/02/2017 06:03

When my DD was born by c section , my childless big sister came to stay. She helped and supported me by taking care of my needs and my time to bond with baby. Didn't need to do anything other than be mum to newborn, not to guests. She was a wonderful support.

sorenipples · 25/02/2017 06:08

Would you prefer it was referred to as the first trimester of life/since birth?

I suspect 4th trimester is used in preference as it immediately sets the tone of being a nurturing trimester, like pregnancy.

Paninotogo · 25/02/2017 06:11

I have no preference as I would not use such a meaningless expression.

Original poster

imisschocolate · 25/02/2017 12:01

I have to admit that I'm very surprised at some of the responses on here but everyone is free to have their own views on opinions on how to handle a situation like this.

However, for those that are implying that I'm being precious, i can safely say that my only concern is to not knowingly put my child in a situation that is going to distress her. I wouldn't have thought anyone would do this.

OP posts:

CaraAspen · 25/02/2017 12:04

Paninotogo

I have no preference as I would not use such a meaningless expression.

You are quite right. The expression does not exist and has no meaning.

pictish · 25/02/2017 13:17

If you think your daughter being treated with affection and regard by well meaning visitors who want a wee cuddle to say hello is something you need to protect her from then you are being bloody precious.

Whatsername17 · 25/02/2017 13:46

Emerald your bill sounds like a control freak. Big difference between 'we don't want visitors for the first two weeks so that I can recover/ establish bf/we can have some alone time' and 'no women will hold the baby' though.

cathf · 25/02/2017 13:50

I don't get this attitude at all, sorry.
It makes me think that mum is enjoying her time in the limelight and refusing to hand over baby because it takes the spotlight away from her.
When did having a baby turn into the angst-fest it has become. babies used to be welcomed into families and the mum just got on with it - not expect to be placed on some sort of pedestal, with everyone tip-toeing around her in the hope she would graciously grant 'a shot' with the baby.
No, baby is not a toy, but neither is she mum's possession, and a lot of posts on here seem to imply that this is the case.

Whatsername17 · 25/02/2017 13:59

How is wanting to be left alone the mum trying to enjoy her time 'in the limelight'?!

Original poster

imisschocolate · 25/02/2017 13:59

Cathf and pictish - so you are both advocating handing over a fussy 2 week old when you know they are going to become distressed? This is to someone who i have not prevented having a cuddle on their previous 3 visits within a 2 week period?

I am not being precious nor do i expect to be placed on a pedestal. I simply want visitors to accept when i say that today is not a good day to have a cuddle.

the issue isn't with letting other have a cuddle. Its the expectation that they can overstay their welcome and expect a shot just cause they want. I couldn't give two flying fucks what a visitor wants. My concern is the happiness of my child.

To both of you I'm bloody glad you will never be visiting me if.

OP posts:

Original poster

imisschocolate · 25/02/2017 14:01

Ps i find the whole 4th trimester thing interesting and am reading up on it if anyone has any recommendations?

OP posts:

Whatsername17 · 25/02/2017 14:09

Don't forget about your own happiness chocolate- you are the mum, do things your way and make no apology. Otherwise you will end up struggling like I did with dd1. My mil repeatedly said to me 'I like it when I'm on my own with her then I can do what I think is best'. It really got to me at the time.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2017 14:10

I think babies are sort of toys, actually. Lovely soft squidgy cuddly living dolls to dress and play with.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 25/02/2017 14:48

Totally agree Bertrand, thats the best thing about babies!

5moreminutes · 25/02/2017 16:28

Cathf Bertrand etc all. assuming all go with the concept that the baby is a toy and public property who cannot possibly have preferences about who holds them/ being woken up to be dressed up etc are we also saying that the parent (usually mother if father has gone back after paternity leave) left dealing with the screaming small baby who has been fussing and crying all day and been woken once it was finally falling asleep for a casual drop in visitor to play with, should just suck up dealing with the fall out and missing the only chance for a break from the baby fussing and crying?

That's what always grates about these "suck it up buttercup, the kids not yours just because you grew it, are still recovering from delivering it, are likely it's food source, and are the one who has to deal with it being overtired and cranky when visitors have got bored and handed it back" posts.

Every thread where a mother is finding that extended family members are causing hassle, inconvenience and stress by demanding young children be paraded / handed over/ made available for their entertainment people pop on and say "get on with it, stop making a fuss, be grateful, "your" baby isn't yours, you do know that? Suck it up buttercup,!" The fact that the demanding relative is putting the woman who has to deal with an overtired child after the other adults have amused themselves to inconvenience at a time when she is probably very tired and possibly overwhelmed and dealing with physical pain and discomfort is never acknowledged.

pictish · 25/02/2017 16:39

Such drama.

quarkinstockcubes · 25/02/2017 16:41

At two weeks old does a baby even know who is holding it, let alone be distressed if the preferred person isn't? Surely at that age if they are fed, clean and comfortable it doesn't matter who holds them?

Astro55 · 25/02/2017 16:47

Babies know by smell and voice etc - it's been proven in humans and animals

Reguarsless - rotten visitors who turn up expecting first class service and their demands met and arseholes - your house your child - the visitor can suck it up and bigger off

5moreminutes · 25/02/2017 17:05

Yes it's well established that babies recognise their mothers by a few days old at most under normal circumstances.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2017 17:08

I wasnMt saying any of those things, 5moreminutes.

I was just expressing my opinion that, contrary to common Mumsnet belief, a baby is a toy. A wonderful, gorgeous super-toy. Why have them, otherwise?

And I don't think new mothers- or anyone else, should be treated badly. And I don't think anyone should tolerate people in their lives who treat them badly. And I would never, ever use the experession "suck it up, buttercup". But I do think that sometimes lightening up a bit would make life easier not harder for new parents. And that is the ultimate goal, surely? The easiest life for the most people.

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