She's not a toy!

[imisschocolate]

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

Ugh I still shudder at the memory of all the visitors and my dc are 15 & 18.

I was shuffling about making endless tea when I could barely stand up whilst they were playing pass the parcel with the babies. I also had big worries about the tea near the babies too. I just wished they'd all go away.

Aw it is tricky though. I understand how that feels when you're a mum of a newborn but now I am a mum of some great hulking children I love any chance to have a baby cuddle. I wouldn't insist on it though.

Had friends like this when my DS was born. Phones always in his face while he was sleeping taking pictures WITH FLASH ON! Pictures always going on social media without my consent and always wanting to wake him up when he was asleep for a cuddle (a photoshoot of them holding him). Now hes 18 months and pulls their hair and spits food all over them. They dont visit anymore

I think it's nice and totally normal that people want to hold the baby but it's weird to want to dress them up in an outfit to take a photo I don't think any baby likes being dressed and undressed and like you say - they aren't a doll. Plus changing clothes when they're not even dirty is a bit silly at that point when they're always going through outfits anyway. The clean-but-worn clothes wouldn't be anywhere near where they should be when you wanted them which means you'd probably end up washing them anyway.

Too much to expect at 2 weeks. But a cuddle is fine.

I absolutely would ask to hold a new baby in the family, but only after visiting if the new parents were sure they were up to a visit in the first place. The dressing up and disturbing of a baby is wrong though. In a few weeks time, nobody will be interested anyway, there's this influx at first, then everyone buggers off.

Your baby your rules. But I think one of the nice things about having a baby is how much others want to hold them. There's something really uniting about infants.

Really young babies don't really care who's holding them unless they are hungry.

When DS was a newborn, DH had to say to his mother, "he's not a toy", to which she responded, "yes he is!" Utterly maddening.

"... I might as well just go."
"Yes, please, it really does not suit just now. We'll get in touch when she is a bit more settled. Thank you for being so understanding/such a good granny/or whatever".

And out the door they go.

Don't put up with this shit.
You are only just beginning to get to know your DD. This is your time.
If a visitor is genuinely helpful, great.
"If there anything I can do?"
"Oh, yes, please! Would you empty the dishwasher/hand up the washing/do us a lasagne/whatever? DD is so unsettled and I am only beginning to come to grips with her".
That's what good visitors to new mums/babies do.

Consider a 'baby moon'? Go to bed with your baby and just gaze at her adoringly .

Disclaimer: I could never wait for somebody else to hold my very unsettled DS1 who was utterly unputdownable. Just saying, everybody is different.
And yes, somebody else's baby is lovely to hold because you know you can hand them back.

Congratulations!

Right op you are of course right and the visitor is a selfish fuckwit.

My top tips after 4 babies and 1 grand baby.

First don't tell anyone you have actually had the baby unless they are helping you with childcare and you can trust them to shut up. Aunty Mabel doesn't need to know immediately.

Secondly you do not have to answer the door! If it's impossible you take yourself and baby upstairs to your bedroom and get dh to say you are asleep. Stay there. Keep your bedroom curtains closed and dig in.

Third tell friends and relatives you and the baby have an infection that isn't dangerous but medical advice is for you both to rest and avoid contact with others until your medical team say otherwise.

Fourth do not hand your baby over. Be firm or avoid all together.

Yanbu, wake the baby to get it changed, are they on glue?

Oh love some people are so sodding entitled we had this with DS but never again when DD came along my DH all but marched people out of the house and refused to tell people when I was home it was great

If you are establishing breastfeeding advice is to limit Baby's contact with other people so they have time to really bond with you basically this is your 4th trimester and your baby needs to be close to you to regulate temperature and hormones milk production/flow etc etc etc

Whenever i have visited people with babies i would never ask to hold, i would always wait to be offered

That ^^ would offend some parents because some would take the view you're somehow 'disinterested', if you haven't asked to hold the baby.

Also, not everyone likes holding babies (I don't particularly), so I wouldn't want to put someone in the awkward position of feeling like they have to say 'Yes', when I've offered them a hold.

It's all a bit of a minefield really, which is why I could never get too fussed about it

But if you are fussed, you'll need to learn to be a bit more assertive I'm afraid. Otherwise you'll have many more years of starting threads like this.

Yanbu. Seriously, this drove me round the bloody bend. I had a very unsettled baby and as a first time mum, I had no idea what to do with him. In moments of "peace" the last thing you want is "pass the parcel" with your child.

MIL?

Couldn't be bothered getting worked up about that. A 2 week old doesn't have complex emotions; you learn that once you've had four kids

Not sure what you mean by "complex emotions" but at 2 weeks, they need their parent more than they need visitors, especially when the visitor is determined to wrestle them from their mother's arms to change their clothes.

I can't understand why any adult would put their needs before those of a newborn. It's utterly self-centred, and the opposite of caring.

Oh and I also had 4 DC - having 4 doesn't make us experts on anything (nor did it make me more keen to hand mine around like toys).

My 2nd born is 5 weeks old. We banned visitors for two weeks. I even told our parents that, after meeting dd2 on the day we can home from the hospital, that we wanted to be left alone for the first week so that I could get to grips with feeding. They were a bit but after being inundated with visitors from day 1 with dd1 and finding it all too much and too overwhelming I stood my ground. On the day I bought my first daughter home from hospital I had to deal with visitors showing up unannounced and uninvited. Including MIL who came 10 minutes after we got home from the hospital, then when my parents showed up an hour later, she left and phoned my dh crying saying she'd never get to be as close to my dd as my mum! No one asked them to leave but, needless to say, it was a massive emotional guilt trip that I didn't need 16 hours post partum. Dh then insisted we go to his grandads birthday BBQ the following day. Fil took my baby from me without asking. She then got passed around- including being handed off to some cousins girlfriend whom I'd never met. I felt like I had to be cool with it so that people didn't think I couldn't cope. It was hideous. I have to say, it wasn't just pil who were intrusive. My parents visited almost every day and it was just too much. This time around we got a lot of pressure from pil - 'you must let auntie so and so come to meet the baby' type comments. Our response of 'in a few weeks' didn't go down very well. My mum asked to come and visit then told me a few hours before that she was bringing my aunt which was annoying. But, on the whole, it has been much better. I have no issue upsetting them all and standing my ground because I really struggled last time. Tell people you need some family time and don't open the door!

Honestly, I only ask because I feel it's expected and would be considered rude if I didn't. I'd be happy for people to keep their babies to themselves!

Its not complicated, people just love babies. We're programmed to, especially tiny ones. They are just being nice, there is no need to be so angry at everyone for wanting to be a part of this special time.

All you have to do is say not at the moment, or she needs to stay with me right now. If one particular person is being difficult, don't have them to visit.

Yes it's all bollocks isn't it.

I had a good friend blank me for weeks after I told her no visitors welcome for 2 weeks after baby 3 was born.

You can't establish breast feeding with people gawping at you. You need time to bond and heal.

Even with our first grandchild we visited once in hospital filled their fridge with food. Cleaned their house and then kept away and kept our 'side' from visiting until we were invited. My old aunt accused me of not being interested in my own grand child. silly cow.

My dear dil had so many friends that I advised her keep off social media and don't tell you have had the baby until you are happy to be visited.

I honestly think that not letting a mum and dad alone with their new baby to bond and rest is just cruel and intensely rude and could cause pnd.

If I said to people. I don't want visitors until the baby's 4 weeks old. I'd expect them to say. Stick your baby where the sun don't shine.

Your visitor sounds like a right arse. I would never disturb a grouchy baby. Common sense should apply.

However people love babies, if someone has spent the time to come to visit and your LO is happy enough what's the harm in allowing people a 5 minute cuddle?

When I read the title I thought it was going to be older child playing with younger. I'm forever shouting saying this to ds1 as he hoiks ds2 up by his armpits to 'carry' him somewhere (!) Yanbu though, I'd never dream of trying to insist I held someone's baby!

Bear2014

YANBU. A few relatives from my OH's side were literally obsessed with not just holding DD but being alone in a different room with her, which was weird and really upset me. We were in hospital for 5 days then they wanted to go and walk out into the hall/kitchen with her to 'give me a moment's peace' even if she was quiet, probably so they could pretend for 5 mins that she was theirs. It was creepy.

Wow. Creepy? Talk about getting things out of proportion.

YANBU. Ds HATED being handled when he was a baby and it drove me insane when the visitors mithered to hold him because I knew he would become unsettled for the rest of the day, eventually I got so sick of it I started making excuses to leave the room with him so he could have a break. Defo wouldn't of changed his clothes for a photo! If it happens again tell visitor when you put it on Dd you will send a picture.

I actually had MIL and FIL stood in the hospital room 2 minutes after I had Ds! She worked for the hospital and came straight up when she found out I had gone into labour, even though Ds was their first grandchild it still pisses me off to this day.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents

Its not complicated, people just love babies. We're programmed to, especially tiny ones. They are just being nice, there is no need to be so angry at everyone for wanting to be a part of this special time.

This^^