She's not a toy!

[imisschocolate]

I have a 2 week old DD. i don't understand why visitors insist that they have to have a "shot" when they visit.

Yesterday my baby was very grouchy and unhappy and DH and myself were having trouble settling her. We had a visitor who happened to arrive just as she was calming and falling asleep on me. Right from start of visit i said that as she was so unhappy i didn't want to risk distressing her by passing her around. This meant i had 2 hours of comments along the lines of "if I'm not getting a shot i might as well just go". (Which actually would have suited me).

I wanted to scream shes not a toy and I'm not going to make her cry just so you can hold her. This person has visited a couple of times since she was born so not like hadn't held DD before.

Also, she kept hinting i should wake my sleeping, grouchy baby to put on a wee pink outfit she brought just so she could get a picture. DD hates getting dressed/undressed which visitor knows. My DD is not a doll that you can play dress up with!

I don't think its unreasonable to not want to hand over a baby to someone for a "shot" when it will upset them. I also will not dress my baby up in an outfit just so you can get a picture.

Rant over

Aww see that's so bloody selfish! In my case baby 3 came 8 and 9 years after her older siblings abc the last thing we wanted was visitors turning up unannounced and worshipping the newbie.

We needed to take stock as a family of now 5 and let our boys bond with their sister.

To he honest though if a friend told me what you posted you would say I would realise you were no true friend or support to us anyway so sod you.

If you can't wait 4 fucking weeks in a life time you are truly daft.

Oh well, hope you remember your unkind attitudes - to generally well meaning visitors - when you expect grandparents, and others, to provide free babysitting and child collection services once your child is older.

cara nope that's putting your feelings before the new parents well being and comfort. That's not nice that's utterly selfish.

My HV told me to not to pass baby around as it is very distressing for them. Babies go quiet when they are stressed and with unfamiliar people so it is obvious when a baby is distressed by being away from Mum and Dad.

Don't let visitors stay 2 hours if you don't want them. Say it was lovely for you to come and visit but now baby and I must sleep.

To add I have my grandchild 3 days a week and overnight when asked.

I am an adult though not a spoilt child who wants my own way and monopolises a new little family unit.

My dil and sons well being and bonding with their new baby trumps mine and our wider family.

I am also a sling convert. Get a sling and if baby is in there sleeping I think people are less like to ask for a cuddle.

YANBU at all. This drives me bonkers. As the mother of your child you know what is best for your child. You need to stand your ground.
I find one of our family members to be 'grabby' and goes in a huff every time we act in our DS' best interest if it isn't what they want.

Some of the posts on here are shocking. Why on earth is it selfish to not want visitors for the first couple of weeks? Or you feel uncomfortable with your baby being passed around? Giving birth and then getting used to life with a newborn is hard. Why wouldn't you go at the new parents pace?

cara what bullshit.

The first weeks with a newborn are extremely important for the parents to bond with the baby.

As my midwife and HV have told me, the world can wait.
This is about is and the best for the baby. It is not only emotions but hormones and biology. If people cant understand that then to me they are neither friends nor family.

Simples.

Oh well, hope you remember your unkind attitudes - to generally well meaning visitors - when you expect grandparents, and others, to provide free babysitting and child collection services once your child is older.

Rubbish.
Two things: these 'attitudes' are not 'unkind', they are responding to the needs and wants of this particular child. And what 'free babysitting/collection services'. Quite a lot of us didn't and don't have any, ever.
What a silly thing to say.

Bear2014 I think we have the same relatives (it's my parents) - always sneaking off in pairs to the kitchen followed by whispering. I caught them doing this with my Dsis baby a few times (at their house) - once they were deliberately trying to wake him up for photos, another they were trying to give him formula when he's a BF baby and another time they were trying to give him medicine for some perceived illness!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter - yes! My OH said I was being paranoid but I was convinced my MIL wanted to give her a dummy/formula on the sly as she was always making comments about both those things.

I hate visitors!

Afew of my aunts have a habit of dropping in unexpectedly. They get very offended if you are off with them as its not convenient.

Im due dc2 in 8 weeks and im having a c section so i will want to be at home asap, in my pjs and not have to worry about people dropping by.

I do not run around offering cups of tea or food! People who visit often make their own brew!

God im a miserable cow

Oh well, hope you remember your unkind attitudes - to generally well meaning visitors - when you expect grandparents, and others, to provide free babysitting and child collection services once your child is older

So grandparents would only provide "free babysitting" in exchange for early "shots" at holding the newborn? How weird and unloving of them.

As a grandmother my role is to support the parents of the new baby - if that means staying away, cooking food, doing a washing, minding the toddler, that's fine. I had my turn of holding babies - my own - and I am adult enough to take a step back now.

What I want for each new baby is for her/him to feel cherished and safe - and for most newborns, that means being close to their mother. One of life's great pleasures is seeing my own children holding their new babies - why would I spoil that time by demanding I have a turn?

babyboomersrock will you be my mum?

Bear2014 I wouldn't be surprised, my DM is the same very pro-formula and would always suggest have I tried formula/dummy/baby feels a little warm and maybe needs some calpol. They used to do this with my babies so when I noticed them do it with Dsis's baby I used to give them a couple minutes then walk in on them in the kitchen red handed and either take the bottle/medicine off them or say "What the hell are you doing?!" really loudly so Dsis could hear.

It's a weird relationship, they mean well but have zero boundaries.

Yes baby as a gran I totally agree with you.

I had my babies and now support my kids with their babies it's not about me it's about them.

cara be careful of I predict a few years down the line we see posts from your dd/dil saying what a nightmare you are think on.

rugby second mum to me then?

I don't know. Did find it annoying though.

I had one Velcro baby - screamed till held by me - apparently all my fault - and the who kept insisting they'd settle in their arms despite all evidence to contrary.

I had one child that could be handed over to anyone - and we were fine to do that - apparently that proved first one being different was all us as parents causing it.

Third - like first but slightly less screamy and more proactive - would throw themselves in my direction which we warned people about - but they still didn't believe til them nearly dropped them.

I did notice later that people who were like this were least able to spot react to baby small child cues generally - but did get better once children could talk and they seem able to see them as "people" - with thoughts needs and opinions.

Of course babies aren't dolls, OP fancy your visitor wanting to disturb DD to play dress up.

I suppose people could keep quiet about the due date and not announce the birth. Or - brainwave - those that care about them could be thoughtful and come and meet the baby without acting proprietorially or endlessly 'showing how'.

We were lucky, we didn't have to fend off visitors with strong perfume or tobacco smells or heavy colds etc - everyone seemed sensitive and sensible.

Yes it 'takes a village' to raise a child and why not let the tribe meet the baby. But if we are talking about custom and old ways my HV told me as I carried my baby inside me for 9 months, once he was born my natural reaction would be to keep him as close as possible in the early stages, so Bear I get what you said. It's neither precious nor greedy.

If new parents want to settle down by themselves for a few days what's a week or two in the grand scheme of things, let them find their way.

Superbeagle how patronising is *you'll learn this after you have four kids" meant to be? Very, or just mildly?

Waking a sleeping baby who has been unsettled and grumpy all day so as to let somebody have a "shot" with them, and dress them up for a photo is the act of an utter doormat who is enough of a martyr to pretend not to mind missing out on the only bit of peace they've had all day, and be rewarded with an even more overtired, grumpy child to deal with after guest has gone, so as not to rock the boat with a thoughtless guest.

What I learnt after 3 kids, none of whom are babies any more, was not to wake a sleeping baby, and that what helps a tired and probably sore and hormonal new mother (making her a cup of tea, doing the dishes, listening to her either have a rant or glow with pride or talk about what she watched on TV at 3am when the baby finally fell asleep on her chest for the first time in 24 hours and she didn't dare risk putting it down and waking it) is not always conveniently what you as a guest will get the most pleasure from (having a cuddle and kissing its head and being waited on with cups of tea then waking it for a selfie session wearing the clothes you bought it and handing it back when becomes clear it isn't going to stop screaming and / or fills its nappy)

You can believe that 2 week old does not have 'complex emotions' and at the same time recognise that any 2 week old baby may well not like being dressed and undressed (most don't, to the extent that it's pointed out in many baby books) and that many 2 week old babies will settle better with someone very familiar to them than a stranger.

I mean, I've only had 3 babies, not 4, but even I can see that OP is not being a precious so and so here.

And then again....I've been in the position of being told, in strong terms "go on, hold him" and had an infant thrust at me! 😳 I always make babies cry and I thought they could sense that I was pretty clueless what to do with them. Actually, I think being held by a total stranger might not be what a tiny baby wants. If, as adults, random people hugged you in the street because they "wanted a go" it'd be assault. Or at the very least, discomforting.

Bluebell

I sometimes think that what we women need more than anything is a supportive mother. Mine wasn't great and I've never forgotten how it felt to bask in her disapproval

If I can help my daughter and my daughters-in-law (as well as my sons) to feel loved and respected, that's good enough for me!