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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To completely ignore this massive hint?

446 replies

Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:32

Do not to drip feed dh and I don't have a close relationship with bil and sil.

We have fundamentally different views of parenting and there was some weirdness around gift giving on our dds bday and Christmas last year.

Not heard from them since Christmas Day again not unusual we generally hear from them at birthdays and Christmas and if we bump into each other at inlaws it's smiling nodding and being polite.

To try and formulate a bond between our dd and dn we've facilitated a few sleepovers at ours and tbh it was bloody awful dn is spiteful, destructive and generally a pain so after the last one we (dh and I) said no more.

Had text today from bil saying "dn would love to come yours to see dds room again as she had lots of fun last time" no hi how are u nothing

Dn is 4.5 and dd is 2.5 so they're not close in age last time she was here she pulled dds pigtails and made her cry, stamped on and broke a toy and ripped up the toy money from dds till. Dh was cooking and I was playing with them but she'd done all of them before I could stop her and then smirked at me after.

Aibu to ignore his text

OP posts:
TheMythOfFingerprints · 10/02/2017 12:34

I think they need a babysitter.

You could ignore, or just say your dd didn't enjoy the last one so you won't be doing another sleepover for the foreseeable.

QueenofallIsee · 10/02/2017 12:34

Yes YABU to ignore his text. You should answer it saying something like 'Glad DN had fun, we have decided the DD is a bit young for sleepovers right now so we will be leaving it until she is older'

QueenofallIsee · 10/02/2017 12:35

Oh and they 100% need a babysitter

GallivantingWildebeest · 10/02/2017 12:35

I'd have said at the time what had happened and that she wasn't welcome again:

'Sorry, BIL, but Dn has been naughty. She has ripped up DD's play money, stamped on a toy, been mean to DD and been rude to me. I don't think sleepovers/play dates are a good idea for a while.'

Sounds like they're using you for childcare. Both girls are v young for sleepovers anyway.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:40

Gall- it's a bit awkward with bil tbh they were nc for 18 months with inlaws and they've just started to allow them to see dn, we (dh/I) don't want to rock the boat for mil/fil as it really hurt them.

Bil would also not believe his little pumpkin could behave like that and it'd start a row

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/02/2017 12:41

Yes, that is the most unsubtle way of saying they need a babysitter! Why not say, "Oh my daughter can visit your daughter any time you like! When's best for you?"

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:44

Imperial- I can't risk them saying yes! I don't want my dd there unsupervised I don't trust my sil she's a sly vile cow who can be unnecessarily selfish and mean.

OP posts:
Ilovecaindingle · 10/02/2017 12:46

A fake bout of d&v should make them rethink!!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 10/02/2017 12:47

Just say your DD is a bit young for sleepovers, the age gap is a bit big at this age and you'd prefer to wait till they're both older.

SalmonFajitas · 10/02/2017 12:50

Don't start a row or ignore the text I think QueenofallIsee's message is perfect.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/02/2017 12:51

Seems a bit of an odd thing to do by text. Probably because they know they're being massively cheeky and can't face asking in person/over the phone.

In the spirit of this, you could take a photo of your DDs room and text it back to BIL/SIL for DN to see.

FutureMrsRanj · 10/02/2017 12:51

Perhaps your dd has started waking several times a night so you don't want to risk it but why doesn't dn pop over with bil for an afternoon?

ScarlettFreestone · 10/02/2017 12:53

Why not say "how lovely! Would you all like to come for lunch?"

They'll say no.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:53

They have both stayed at grandmas in recent months so I don't know if I'll get away with the "too young thing"

Maybe a sickness bug

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 10/02/2017 12:53

It sounds to me that Bil and Sil know what hard work she is and are trying to instigate a sleep over at yours so they can both have some done time from her.

I would text back and say, unfortunately after the last sleepover it was apparent that neither child was quite old enough for sleepovers.

That way your not saying it's because of her behaviour, even though it is, and they shouldn't ask you again, if they do just repeat they are not old enough.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2017 12:53

" "dn would love to come yours to see dds room again as she had lots of fun last time" no hi how are u nothing"
Loving that it's DD's room DN wants to see, not DD!

I'd go with QueenofallIsee's suggested response: 'Glad DN had fun, we have decided the DD is a bit young for sleepovers right now so we will be leaving it until she is older'

You are not responsible for BIL's relationship with his parents. You are responsible for DD not being bullied in her own home. And, since it sounds as if you'd have to discipline her behaviour at some point, that's just as likely to make him sulk as not being his babysitter.

AchingBack · 10/02/2017 12:55

I'd just reply to the text ignoring the hint along the lines of 'ah bless her, that's sweet!'.
I always do to hints like this-if people haven't got it in them to ask me for a favour I'll be damned if I'm going to be manipulated into offering.
If he then replied back asking i would then just say that unfortunately dd is going through a bad period sleep wise so you're unable to host any sleepovers for the foreseeable.

honeylulu · 10/02/2017 12:58

Just say "sorry but DD didn't enjoy it last time so no". It's honest but not too honest.

They're just looking for free childcare so don't think you need to pander to them.

Twistmeandturnme · 10/02/2017 12:59

If you are certain they are angling for a sleepover:
'It's a great thought but I think DN was a bit bored last time so probably best to wait a couple more years until DD is old enough to join in with DNs games better.'
If you still want to facilitate a relationship between the children:
'I'm taking DD to the swings this afternoon/on Saturday. Would you like to meet us there for the girls to play together?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 13:00

Barb- the texting thing isn't weird for them I've never been called by bil and don't have sils phone number nor are we FB friends we've been invited to their house 5/6 times in 10 years

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 10/02/2017 13:03

I'd either ignore it or brush him off, they're trying to manipulate you into looking after their daughter so that they can have some peace and quiet.

GallivantingWildebeest · 10/02/2017 13:07

Just say "sorry but DD didn't enjoy it last time so no". It's honest but not too honest

I like this - short and to the point.

lookatmenow · 10/02/2017 13:07

just text back saying "aww that's lovely, we'll have to arrange for you all to come over one afternoon so they can have a play together. I'll let you know when x" - that's it, no need to elaborate further, you've acknowledged there information and you've replied you'll let them know when (indicating at some point in the future but it will be YOU who will et them know) and then you don't need to follow up with a text of dates. If they mention it at a later date, just say "oh i've completely forgot all about that, i'll get back to you, got lots of at the moment" :)

No need to go back and say anything about thier DD being unruley, just acknowldege and ignore..

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 13:15

So "aww how lovely, Calendar is a bit full at the moment so will have to let you know when it's convenient to see you all"

See what I get back

OP posts:
JugglingMuggle · 10/02/2017 13:19

I would just keep avoiding it. And if pressed would say 'we've decided that dd is a little young for sleepovers right now - she was really unsettled after the last one.'
To be honest IMO she IS far too young for sleepovers! The earliest I would consider it is age 5.