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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To completely ignore this massive hint?

446 replies

Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:32

Do not to drip feed dh and I don't have a close relationship with bil and sil.

We have fundamentally different views of parenting and there was some weirdness around gift giving on our dds bday and Christmas last year.

Not heard from them since Christmas Day again not unusual we generally hear from them at birthdays and Christmas and if we bump into each other at inlaws it's smiling nodding and being polite.

To try and formulate a bond between our dd and dn we've facilitated a few sleepovers at ours and tbh it was bloody awful dn is spiteful, destructive and generally a pain so after the last one we (dh and I) said no more.

Had text today from bil saying "dn would love to come yours to see dds room again as she had lots of fun last time" no hi how are u nothing

Dn is 4.5 and dd is 2.5 so they're not close in age last time she was here she pulled dds pigtails and made her cry, stamped on and broke a toy and ripped up the toy money from dds till. Dh was cooking and I was playing with them but she'd done all of them before I could stop her and then smirked at me after.

Aibu to ignore his text

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 10/02/2017 14:50

Just say, no, that's doesn't work for us, and don't respond to any further texts. If they need a babysitter and granny (MIL) will do it, then why on earth don't they ask her?

airforsharon · 10/02/2017 14:51

Personally I wouldn't leave any wiggle room in my text to him - no offering to check your calendar/meet up for an afternoon soon (sure as eggs is eggs they'll come with DN's night things 'just in case').

Just a straightforward 'no, sorry, really don't want to do any sleepovers for the foreseeable, DD is too young/ it disturbed her sleep pattern/they got on each others nerves'.....whatever you'd like to say. Then stick to it Grin

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 10/02/2017 14:52

First thing that struck me was that he made sure to make the arrangement dependent on DN coming to yours ("would love to see DD's room again") presumably so as to ensure they are child free - cunning.

HelenaGWells · 10/02/2017 14:52

I would go with similar to a PP. "Oh I didn't realise you wanted us to have her overnight. That doesn't work for us I'm afraid. We have found it too unsettling for DD to share her room so won't be doing it again until she's much bigger. If DN wants to see DD we will have to arrange a time for us all to catch up"

He won't arrange the time, he doesn't want to be involved, he wants a babysitter.

Vq1970 · 10/02/2017 14:53

I really like your responses - you're being a little bit obtuse and playing their game. Keep doing it!

AyeAmarok · 10/02/2017 14:58

Your mistake was saying that it wasn't convenient at the moment, rather than saying you don't want to because DD is too young.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2017 15:00

Whatever response you give, please include the word 'babysitting' (and obviously a negative live not, can't, won't, never in a million years). Make it absolutely clear that you are on to them, and know this has nothing to do with DD or DN, it's just that they want you to babysit.

diddl's response was good "Oh you mean you want babysitters-no that doesn't work for us." Or ImperialBlether 's - "Sorry, I've not been feeling well and I'm not up to babysitting at the moment."

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2017 15:02

I like your "not convenient" texts, but fear they're not strong enough.
I worry that they will just turn up at yours, you will be there, they will dump DN off since you're in anyway and fuck off.
I think you need to be a bit more proactive on the "Oh dear, we don't have any time at all for the next 3 months [at LEAST!] - just too busy. Will let you know when we have some spare time" which then puts the onus onto you to contact them. Which you won't then do.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/02/2017 15:03

I wouldn't assume DN is awful (although I probably would be put off hosting her for a sleepover until she's grown up a bit!)

YY to both of these points.

My cousin's daughter was a little so and so when she was about 4. She is in her 20s now and is lovely. Kids do grow up!

As for a reply to BIL "sorry we're not able to babysit for you. But lets do lunch one weekend".

DearyDearyDeary · 10/02/2017 15:05

How about this approach?

To completely ignore this massive hint?
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 15:08

I've had a response

"How about we pop by next Saturday and see how it goes? Dn would really like to play with your dd in her room as she said she has so many nice toys"

Can I have the polite version of "how about you look after your own child?"

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 10/02/2017 15:08

Be honest (it makes everything so much more straightforward and you won't trip yourself up in invented lies) and call him straight out on his babysitting request. Also a friendly tip: don't be too smug about how great your toddler is and how superior your parenting is, you have a very long road ahead of you Wink

SapphireStrange · 10/02/2017 15:09

You've had quite a few good suggestions, OP.

I'd go with 'No, we've decided she's too young for sleepovers.'

LindyHemming · 10/02/2017 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2017 15:11

Just say "No, we're not around then. We'll let you know when we have some time"

SapphireStrange · 10/02/2017 15:12

We'll let you know when we have some time

No way! He'll keep hassling.

Make clear that sleepovers/visits are not happening for the foreseeable at least.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 15:12

Flying - I'm no super parent my toddler can be a right Madame and misbehave. We just have different styles so sometimes I 😳 at their technique that's all as I'm sure they do ours.

Im fortune that she sleeps well but she also likes to make a mess, refuse to cooperate and mock me when I ask her not to do things shea not an angel by any stretch.

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 10/02/2017 15:12

How about 'DD does have lots of lovely toys, we'd like to keep them that way' Grin

Seriously, 'that doesn't work for us' is probably the nest response.

Headofthehive55 · 10/02/2017 15:12

Unfortunately the didn't play well together last time. Perhaps we could meet at the park? / lunch out at one of those places with a play area...
Neutral ground. You aren't left with her.
Or I'm just not feeling well. It's just too noisy with the two of them!

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/02/2017 15:13

Do not agree to a visit with all of them because it will end with "Oh they are playing so nicely arent they? I am sure it will be fine, see you in the morning" and they will be gone, before you have blinked.

"As I said, we are busy every weekend for the foreseeable, will let you know when we are free"

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2017 15:13

"Dn would really like to play with your dd in her room as she said she has so many nice toys"
Time to get absolutely clear, I'm afraid. 'So she wants to play with DD's toys, not DD? Not sure I want DD used like that.'

Headofthehive55 · 10/02/2017 15:14

Or I find it too hard looking after the two if them. Sorry.

dustarr73 · 10/02/2017 15:14

You are just going to have to be outstraight.He wont take the hints because he doesnt want to.I would say no to Saturday because they will have an emergency and conveniently have the pjs in their the car.

Just say your dd is too young and it unsettled her the last time.

QueenofallIsee · 10/02/2017 15:14

Sorry, we can't - but we will let you know when we can'

MrsderPunkt · 10/02/2017 15:14

Invite then to Sunday Lunch, no sleepovers on a schoolnight. I'm I the only one thinking that she'll turn up with bag packed for Saturday night?

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