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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To completely ignore this massive hint?

446 replies

Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:32

Do not to drip feed dh and I don't have a close relationship with bil and sil.

We have fundamentally different views of parenting and there was some weirdness around gift giving on our dds bday and Christmas last year.

Not heard from them since Christmas Day again not unusual we generally hear from them at birthdays and Christmas and if we bump into each other at inlaws it's smiling nodding and being polite.

To try and formulate a bond between our dd and dn we've facilitated a few sleepovers at ours and tbh it was bloody awful dn is spiteful, destructive and generally a pain so after the last one we (dh and I) said no more.

Had text today from bil saying "dn would love to come yours to see dds room again as she had lots of fun last time" no hi how are u nothing

Dn is 4.5 and dd is 2.5 so they're not close in age last time she was here she pulled dds pigtails and made her cry, stamped on and broke a toy and ripped up the toy money from dds till. Dh was cooking and I was playing with them but she'd done all of them before I could stop her and then smirked at me after.

Aibu to ignore his text

OP posts:
VocalDuck · 10/02/2017 15:14

I don't know why you keep asking for replies when everyone suggests something that would put an end to the whole conversation, but instead you send something that means you get a response about the visit. Either send something to make it clear sleepovers aren't happening or stop effectively leading them on. I get that your don't want your niece visiting (and I wouldn't from what you have described either) but you need to make it clear sleepovers won't be happening or else accept it and stop continuing the conversation.

Funnyonion17 · 10/02/2017 15:14

They are cheeky and want a baby sitter. They should return the favour! Yabu to say the 4 year old is spiteful though. Most 4 year olds are still learning boundaries, it's normal behaviour. I wouldn't let her get away with it but I wouldn't assume she was spiteful.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 15:15

"That's not going to work either im afraid. I will text you some dates soon when it's convenient. Have a lovely weekend"

OP posts:
TheMythOfFingerprints · 10/02/2017 15:15

I suspect they will turn up with an overnight bag for dn if you don't outright say no to Saturday afternoon visit.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/02/2017 15:15

Oh and it might be worth a call to MIL, I suspect that she will tell you that she is away/out/busy this weekend which is why they are hitting on you for babysitting!

TheMythOfFingerprints · 10/02/2017 15:15

Xpost Grin

TheMythOfFingerprints · 10/02/2017 15:16

Make those dates Sundays op...

YellowDinosaur · 10/02/2017 15:16

'be lovely to see you all next Saturday. We've plans that evening so why don't you come over 2ish for a couple of hours? The girls can play and we can catch up too'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2017 15:17

Or you could just start being a LOT less subtle and say "Oh I think DD's toys are too young for DN, she'd be better playing with her own"

It's really hard with pushy people, especially if you're trying not to alienate them - but you know what, you have to protect your DD, your home and her stuff first and foremost and be straighter with them - say that your DD was upset that some of her toys were broken last time DN came over and you really don't feel that it's appropriate for DN to play with DD's toys again. It doesn't matter if he doesn't believe it was his pweshus - just keep saying no.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/02/2017 15:18

'I'm really sorry but DD hated it last time. She was unsettled for a couple of a days after. So no sleep overs for the foreseeable future for us. Hope to catch up soon'

YellowDinosaur · 10/02/2017 15:18

Huge cross posts

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2017 15:18

And for goodness sake either have someone over on Saturday, or be out! Because I'd put money on them chancing their arm and still turning up.

alltouchedout · 10/02/2017 15:18

I really would have to be totally honest at this point. "No. My dd really does not enjoy your dd's visits. This isn't going to happen."

comingintomyown · 10/02/2017 15:20

People amaze me , subtle as a brick

HistoriaTrixie · 10/02/2017 15:21

"Sorry, but no. We've found DD isn't up for at home playdates, nor are we. Let's meet in the park/at soft play/at McD's instead. 10:00 Saturday?"

That will let you know if dn actually wants to play with dd or if dd's room is a non-negotiable.

I'd be hard pressed not to email them a voucher for Amazon or something along with a list of links to some toys like your dd's toys so they can make dn's room more interesting for her and ending with "This will probably be much more convenient for both of us." but I am kind of a giant bitch sometimes.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 15:21

Pyong - mil isn't away she's got my dd today and we're there for lunch on Sunday. I assume they have other dates "booked in" with mil

OP posts:
SingingInTheRainstorm · 10/02/2017 15:21

I'd message back with:

'You obviously need a babysitter, why not just ask instead of beating round the bush? Last time DN was here a few toys got broken and DD was upset. So we decided maybe it's best to wait till they're a bit older. If DN wanted to visit DD that would be lovely and we could meet at PIL perhaps?'

Unless you're direct they'll just keep rewording it, I bet SIL is there saying well text this, I can't believe she's being so obtuse about it. (Whilst believing it's their God given right to have a night out!)

RedSauce · 10/02/2017 15:22

I'd just ignore it tbh

myrtleWilson · 10/02/2017 15:22

If they persist can you suggest meeting up somewhere else - soft play, park... "The girls would probably love to let off some steam so rather than coop them up at home, they're too little to play upstairs by themselves, why don't we meet for and hour or two at x"

RedSauce · 10/02/2017 15:23

But I do quite often forget to reply to texts so it wouldn't be out of character for me.

myrtleWilson · 10/02/2017 15:23

Cross post with Historia

JennyWoodentop · 10/02/2017 15:23

"How about we pop by next Saturday and see how it goes?

How it goes - is that they will decide "the girls are playing so nicely it would be a shame to split them up so why don't we pop home and leave DN with you for a while, they'll have such fun......"

They intend to come to your house and leave her with you. You need to stop them coming to the house - you tell them "no" not "it's not convenient". If you think they'll turn up anyway you either don't answer the door or you go out.

Do not arrange future meetings at your house or they will try again. If you or they want to arrange lunch etc go to a cafe or pub, or arrange to meet in the park - anywhere that they can't drop her and run, and that you can get away from if things get too difficult.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 10/02/2017 15:24

The concept of visiting DD's room over DD is rather rude.

JennyWoodentop · 10/02/2017 15:24

cross post

Rachel0Greep · 10/02/2017 15:25

Some nerve! I can't stand people anyway who only contact you when they want to demand something ask a 'favour'.
Stick firmly to what you have said, and say it's not convenient, suitable or anything else to have the child overnight any time soon. Far too young anyway, IMO.