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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
Manepartner · 04/02/2017 23:52

How do you think she will manage to find a place to live, on jobseekers, within a month? How will she cope? It sounds like she needs support, love and encouragement to me, not to be chucked out and end up sofa surfing

empirerecordsrocked · 04/02/2017 23:52

Where's her mum in this?

foxyloxy78 · 04/02/2017 23:54

Talk to her. Connect with her. Try and help her through whatever it is she's going through.

Flowerydems · 04/02/2017 23:55

YANBU if she won't toe the line then it's her own fault, she's a grown up and needs to act like one. Your dh agrees and as her dad it's ultimately his decision.

Chin up and hope it gets better for you Flowers

Original poster
Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:55

Mane I honestly don't care any more, I have gotten her interviews she refuses to turn up to, helped her look for work which ended up being me just looking. This isn't just a sudden thing, we have been telling her since she left school at 17 that she needs to get a job or go to college, nobody in this house is allowed to just doss about while everybody else works.
She loved with her mum until she was 15 then wanted to come
Stay with us. Her mum says she can live with her again but the same rules that are at our house apply so she's said no.

OP posts:
chinam · 04/02/2017 23:56

Would you kick your son out if he behaved like this?

Mistletoekids · 04/02/2017 23:58

You sound quite harsh tbh

Is there no middle ground

She's still very young

AlmostAJillSandwich · 04/02/2017 23:58

Have you given her warnings previously that she has to change or will not be allowed to continue living with you? Her behaviour is awful and yes she needs to change but if you've not really voiced that earlier (not that you should ever be in a situation of needing to) its a bit abrupt to say one month and you're out. It's not realistic that she'll find somewhere to live in that time, especially if she's only got the money from job seekers and no employment, she won't be priority to get council housed.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/02/2017 00:02

If you were not about anymore, how would you feel about your son's step-mother saying this to him (and meaning it)? What would your son do?

I hope your husband does the right thing and takes his daughter's side. If he doesn't, consider that he is the father of your son too and if he won't defend his daughter then he won't defend his son either.

You are being very, very, very unreasonable.

Shame on you.

Boulshired · 05/02/2017 00:04

Why are you alone taking the role of bad cop, only threat what you are willing to go through with or it will be a bluff everyone can see through. Will you really make her potentially homeless and on the streets?

PinkCrystal · 05/02/2017 00:04

Yanbu. She is an adult and you are entitled to not have to put up with abuse and the effect on other children. She will keep doing it whilst she gets away with it.

Imaginingdragonsagain · 05/02/2017 00:05

How good she has had it for years? Surely she was a child then and it was your duty to give her a good life? That's what parenting is about.

Original poster
Gem90 · 05/02/2017 00:07

She won't be homeless she will go live with her boyfriend at his parents house, she used to threaten to when we told her that she had to start applying for work then she realised that I wouldn't be stopping her. His parents don't mind them lazing about all day smoking but I bloody well do.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/02/2017 00:09

Ah seen your update, if she's been given 2 years to sort her act out then you're not being unreasonable. She does have somewhere to go in her mums house, so definitely stick to your word and make her leave. Nobody (unless they're lucky enough to get a great paying job doing something they love) wants to go out to work, we'd all love to lounge about doing what we like, getting cooked for, cleaned up after, and having 70 odd quid of disposeable income a week for whatever we like! It may be the reality check she needs. My ex is about to turn 30 who dropped out of college, has refused to work and lives with his parents, was livid that to get job seekers he had to actually LOOK for a job, and then moaned they didn't pay enough and that he kept getting sanctioned because he wasn't meeting the criteria. He was absolutely incensed when his parents then insisted he paid them £25 a week out of his JSA, so he guilted me into buying him expensive shit then stole £300 under the guise of borrowing it to help his parents out. 6 years on, i'm still bitter about it, and hes still jobless living at home, his parents are too soft to actually kick him out despite threatening it (he actually asked me once if he could come and move in with me, my parents and my sister! Bet he would still have refused to look for a job or work too), so unless you follow through and prove you're serious, they won't change despite their promises.

Bantanddec · 05/02/2017 00:09

It must be very draining op to be paying for someone's upkeep and for them to be spiteful and disrespectful to you. It sounds like you've done all you can regarding further education and jobs (other then actually taking the interview for her!!) Maybe give her an ultimatum she says she wants to change, hopefully she will prove it to you.

SallyLeStrange · 05/02/2017 00:13

I think you are being a bit harsh OP I have to admit - Unfortunately parenting does not end at age 18!!

You are practically FORCING her into taking her relationship to the next level, she will be basically prostituting herself out so she has some where t sleep - don't you think if she really wanted to live with this guy, she would be??

I do see why you are pissed off, but basically what you are planning is to destroy her life to get revenge because she's not toe-ing the line - You are the adult in this situation and she is a vulnerable young one who needs a kick up the arse, not her life destroying!

I do think things need to change in your house, however you need to give her longer, ONE month is taking the piss, you need to give her at least 3-6 months.

EngTech · 05/02/2017 00:15

Gem

Each case is different but your house, your rules.

A dose of reality is what is needed otherwise at what point will enough be enough ?

Third warning? Tenth? You actually leaving?

You have drawn a line in the sand, back down now and any further threats of eviction will be ignored.

Brutal? Most definitely but welcome to the real world, it is a tad harsh out there.

Good luck

Will await incoming Smile

IMissGrannyW · 05/02/2017 00:16

I don't see what you gain by posting about this, though. However horrible she is (I have a teen - I do get 'horrible') how do you "win" by making her sleep rough?

What are you hoping MN will give you?

DJBaggySmalls · 05/02/2017 00:16

YANBU, 2 years is long enough. How many more years would you have to put up with her behaviour if you dont?
Maybe you could help her find a place.

SallyLeStrange · 05/02/2017 00:17

What if your husband choses his daughter and asks you to move out- like you have threatened

SallyLeStrange · 05/02/2017 00:19

I don't see what you gain by posting about this, though. However horrible she is (I have a teen - I do get 'horrible') how do you "win" by making her sleep rough?

No one wins, its a revenge thing on the part of the adult. Being homeless literally does destroy your life, or being forced into a relationship of convenience.

Badcat666 · 05/02/2017 00:21

I agree with you OP.

I didn't go to sixth form so had to get a job at 16 and pay rent to live at home to go towards mortgage, bills, food etc and for people saying she is still young, she isn't, she is an adult who has been sponging off her family and been told time and time again to get a job.

She is 19, not 16 FFS. She hasn't been bothering to get a job or look for one and sounds like she moved from her mums to her dads for an easy ride.

Hopefully OP this will give her the kick up her lazy arse she needs.

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 00:22

The DSD has the option to live with her mother. She doesn't want to as the same rules apply. But she has another parent that she can go to,and who is willing to take her in. She's never t being forced on the streets,sofa surfing or to prostitute herself to lve with the bf ffs!

If it was dd instead of dsd everyone would say op wasn't unreason,but there might be a debate over the length of time. She's 19 not 9!

Rubies12345 · 05/02/2017 00:26

But she must be applying for jobs to get JSA or she'd get sanctioned?

BlackeyedSusan · 05/02/2017 00:29

mum has same rules.

and I would hope that your h does encourage her to pull her finger out and find work/college rather than letting her doss about a bit more. maybe threatening her to leave wll have the desired effect.