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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
Agerbilatemycardigan · 05/02/2017 01:44

She needs to grow up. At 17 I had a baby and was holding down 3 jobs. Also so there no tax credits or JSA then. If her boyfriend's mother is willing to put up with her, then let her go there.

RacoonBandit · 05/02/2017 01:46

No idea Rebel I just know that at 19 I couldn't. I may feel differently by the time they were 25 but I do know at 19 I could not boot her out.

angeldelightedme · 05/02/2017 01:47

have you offered her a poisoned apple?

Lightheartedindeed · 05/02/2017 01:49

What's the poisoned Apple? For future reference, thanks

melj1213 · 05/02/2017 01:57

Everyone going on about this "She's had two years!" comment ... yes she has been given two years with no responsibility or consequences but nowhere in that time has she ever been given an ulitmatum like this one., she has just been enabled. You can't let people get away with something for a long time then set an unreasonably short deadline to "fix" it and expect them to comply.

It's one thing to spend two years saying "Do something, sort your life out etcetc" but if there is no deadline then your DSD is of course going to put it off ... you can't go from that to "Out by the end of next month" and expect it to go well. I have had anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, and that sounds like the kind of behaviour I displayed when I was suffering the worst before I was officially diagnosed ... if my parents had given me that ultimatum, I'd have known it was impossible, so my anxiety would have made me bury my head in the sand and ignore it until "eviction day" when I'd have had a total meltdown panic attack.

There's no way a 19 yr old even has the resources to get a place of their own in only a month - money for rent/deposit, money for furniture, bills - and even if she can find something in a month that will take a 19yr old on JSA and HB, there's no guarantee it will be suitable or even safe ... in my area the only thing even vaguely affordable would be a houseshare, and you get all sorts in them (personal experience here) and as bad as your DSD is being made out to be, would you really want her getting into a situation where her living quarters are unsafe but since her dad and step motherhave effectively washed their hands of her, she felt like she couldn't come to her parents for help?

echt · 05/02/2017 02:14

Do read the OP's posts, melj. The girl has not been enabled, unless you call helping her get interviews, consistently being on her case to study or get a job enabling.

She has places to go; her boyfriend's and her mum's.

melj1213 · 05/02/2017 02:19

I have read the OPs posts, thank you very much, but nowhere in any of them has the OP said that the daughter has been given boundaries, responsibilities or any form of expectation of behaviour that has been backed up with consequences.

You can't go from letting her lie around the house watching Netflix, contributing nothing and it being let slide to one morning waking her up and saying "You have one month and you're out" ... I'm not saying the OP can't set boundaries, but they need to be reasonable and achievable ones.

ImpetuousBride · 05/02/2017 02:23

"It sounds like she needs support, love and encouragement"

Sounds like she needs a job. She's an irresponsible selfish adult who does need to get a grip at reality. And OP has already said that she can go live with her boyfriend at his parents house. She won't be homeless. Comments like "if she was your dd not dad" are not helpful or relevant. It is a valid rule and while I'm sure your DH and you both love her you shouldn't enable her to just be laying around, going out drinking, etc and wreak havoc in your house to top it all off.

ImpetuousBride · 05/02/2017 02:25
  • sorry, meant dsd not dad! (daft auto-correct)
echt · 05/02/2017 02:33

So she has not been enabled.

Possibly the OP should have given a list of all the consequences that have been given to her DSD. Hmm

SantasTipsyHelper · 05/02/2017 02:48

I know of someone who was allowed to do this, sit at home smoking weed not working or helping out at home and pretty sure he is still doing this at 32!

I think some tough love is in order and you must follow through though otherwise she will never sort her act out. She may be selfish immature and lazy, but she is an adult in the eyes of the law and so should be treated as such. I don't think there is an underlying issue (parents divorce) that is causing this behaviour. She was just being a self-centred teenager who has been able to get away with it until now.

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from my DD, I would do the same, but would I have done it sooner. FWIW I think kids need to be taught they have to contribute at home from a young age. I may not have liked it at the time, but I do appreciate how my parents brought me up. From the age of 9 ish, we were responsible for wasing up/clearing away the dinner stuff. If we messed around too much, £1 docked from pocket money (£3 per week). We had to pay 20p per week towards the bedding/food for our pet rabbit. If we wanted extra money we could dust/polish and vacuum , 25p per room. My parents wouldn't let us get away with anything. I once miscounted and went over my 15p penny sweet allowance by a penny, and my told me off when I asked for an extra penny, I felt so embarrassed when I had to tell the shop keeper to put back the extra sweet.

I could have been like the DSD when I finished my a levels, but I was told in no uncertain terms three days after my last exam, find a job asap or move out. I had a job as a finance administrator within a couple of weeks. However, the job market is more competitive compared to fifteen years ago as well as fewer entry level positions.

If she sorts herself out she can always stay/move back in.

SantasTipsyHelper · 05/02/2017 02:53

Lighthearted, I think this is a reference to snow white and her evil step mother.

TheStoic · 05/02/2017 03:15

I have read the OPs posts, thank you very much, but nowhere in any of them has the OP said that the daughter has been given boundaries, responsibilities or any form of expectation of behaviour that has been backed up with consequences.

At 19 years old, nobody needs these things to be 'given' to them. She's an adult.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 05/02/2017 03:19

Those saying the SD has had support, she obviously hasn't or she'd had a job or be in full time education.

I personally feel SD should go down the further education route, the parents should say, 'We're going to get you a careers advice interview' with whatever it's called now.

Then we'll see what course you need to do to get into Uni or onto a training scheme so you can achieve that ambition.

If you were a recruiter and saw the CV of a girl who has done nothing in the last few years would you feel inclined to ask them to an interview? I know when I was working as a manager I wouldn't, as she has no skills. In theory she would be working but she isn't being given the right support by even the JC to look for the right jobs.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 03:26

Gem90 YANBU to be cross and upset but YABVU to give her such a short deadline to make things change.

I think you also sound quite hard hearted and I wonder if you would be the same if it was your son who was doing this.

Unless you also smoke I would instantly apply a no smoking in the house rule.

I'd really encourage her to get a job, definitely, but I also think it sounds like there is no love loss between you and that seems very sad. Your husband sounds like he is totally supporting you, which is good, but ultimately she is his daughter and I think the fact that it is your house is not completely relevant as you and your husband are living together. If you and you husband and son were living in his house would you be OK with him insisting your son had to leave if the situation were reversed?

TheStoic · 05/02/2017 03:27

Those saying the SD has had support, she obviously hasn't or she'd had a job or be in full time education.

What do you mean by 'support'? Sounds like the OP has been pretty proactive in helping with job searches, setting up interviews etc.

When should a young adult take responsibility for themselves?

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 03:27

Cross posted with SingingInTheRainstorm, who I really agree with!

YouHadMeAtCake · 05/02/2017 03:39

Jesus. All the posts promoting the molly coddling of an ADULT! And half of you have not RTFT either.

She is 19 for goodness sake. When did it become normal for a 19 year old to behave like this? She is bone idle and will stay that way as long as it is allowed. You'd do your DC no favours by allowing them to waste their lives that way.

I'd love to know where she gets her money for drink and cigarettes ,clothes etc from.

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2017 03:57

While I agree that her behaviour cannot continue, what is she supposed to do on job seekers? She will end up sofa surfing at best, on the streets at worst.

Take her up on her offer of rent from her JS, come up with a written "contract" with terms, and chores she can do to help out. Tell her the door is locked at X and if she isn't home by then, then she has to find someone willing to put her up.

Kicking her out will break the relationship. And make her feel abandoned.

tobedo · 05/02/2017 03:59

Not only lazy and entitled but rude, spiteful and inconsiderate to the whole family.

She has the luxury of having the choice of 3 places to live in, a month to shape up if she wants to stay at yours is plenty.

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2017 04:29

You are practically FORCING her into taking her relationship to the next level, she will be basically prostituting herself out so she has some where t sleep - don't you think if she really wanted to live with this guy, she would be?? This!! And op, you don't know that she will be welcome at her bf's...she may have said that on the past, but it may be an empty threat!!

When did it become normal for a 19 year old to behave like this? When the adults around her allow it.

echt · 05/02/2017 04:43

I think you also sound quite hard hearted and I wonder if you would be the same if it was your son who was doing this.

But he isn't. When he's doing the same as his step sister and the OP posts about how she loves the way he is, then will be the time for your comment.

RebootYourEngine · 05/02/2017 05:00

YANBU i would also kick her out. OP has spent the last two years helping and supporting dsd to sort her future but dsd has done nothing. Why should she be allowed to not work and support herself just because she wants to.

When my ds gets to that age and if he behaves like that he will be out. He is 12 yrs old and he has been told that if he is not in education he needs to get a job or he will be out. You teach your children how to be adults and adults have to work and support themselves.

user1477282676 · 05/02/2017 05:10

So she's no income and nowhere to go but her boyfriends. YOU are unreasonable. 19 is young still. Many are immature still. If I were your partner I'd kick YOU out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2017 05:21

User. It's ops house. So that's not going to happen.

Op I get where you are coming from. One month is a very short timescale. Hopefully it will shake her up and force her into a position of doing something. My husband's cousin was never made to grow up. Born to very screwed up parents, who completely ruined his life. He's just about 40. Has been to prison for assaulting his father, sponges off his mother after having bled her and his grandmother dry. Beats his mother. At 19 it's not too late to turn this young woman's life around. At 40 and an alcoholic and drug user, sadly it is.