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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:

RainbowsAndLemonDrops · 05/02/2017 08:11

You're not being harsh. I agree with you.

She won't be sleeping rough, she has two places she can go!!

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 08:13

I dont think it is up to the OP to be dictating to her husbands daughter. If her father wants her out then he needs to talk to her. I also highly doubt OP would be doing this to her own darling son and the fact that this is a step daughter is behind it all. The father is the person to be doing the talking and any reprimanding, not a stepmother.

MTB1003 · 05/02/2017 08:19

Why is everyone ignoring that she can go to her own mother's house with the same rules but she refuses??
Why should then the op put up with this if her own mother has the same rules?
Yanbu, this is an adult. She needs to sort her life out .

Skooba · 05/02/2017 08:21

Is it a self esteem thing.
You ahve to be able to do something to get a job. What are her skills. Very few/none I suspect.
I would get her some counselling and make it a condition of her living with you. If she has got to 19 and can't drag herself out of the house something has gone wrong in her upbringing.
She doesn't just need a job, in the long term she needs to earn enough to be able to support herself. I would get counselling to improve her confidence and try to steer her to something worthwhile. It is in your interest in the long run.
Chucking her out might achieve that but it would be hard for her to train or get qualifications working at McD.

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 08:30

HenriettaH: It is the OP's house, but more importantly, her home. If she is expected to live with, cook and clean for, pay for another adult ;not a dependent child), she has every right to draw a line when enough is enough. That's not to say I necessarily agree with her, but it is very much 'her place'.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 08:31

Only being told what OP wants us to know. The home likely also belongs to the girl's father. Maybe OP is getting a bit of Karma. I know a woman who was a stepmother and wasn't too nice to stepdaughter. Stepdaughter moved in with father and stepmother at 16 to pay stepmother back for years of harsh treatment. Not saying this applies to OP...but it can and does happen. Fairy tales about stepmothers no doubt had their origins in facts.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 08:34

Op owns the house

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 08:34

trifleorbust

The home is also the girls fathers. I expect he also owns it along with OP... even if he didnt it is a 'marital home' . His daughter is his flesh and blood and he should be the one dealing with it how HE wants to not how OP wants to, we only have OP version that her dH is going along with her...somehow I doubt it. I cannot see a father wanting his daughter thrown together with a young boyfriend like that.

midsummabreak · 05/02/2017 08:34

We all do tend to assume that once our children are 18 they are adults and there are no longer excuses for their poor decisions, risk taking behaviours or inconsiderate choices . However recent research has shown evidence that the critical parts of the brain involved in decision making are still developing until around age 25. Although each person will of course vary with their maturity levels, is does make sense that poor decision making, impulsive actions and tragic consequences such as car accidents are far more common for 18- 25 year olds than older adults.

You are reasonable to create fair and reasonable boundaries that your young step daughter needs to respect. If she isn't already paying some board, helping you with main chores as well as being independent with her own chores, now is the time to start. Hopefully she will behave with increased respect for you as a very busy parent to a young toddler.
Please reconsider throwing your stepdaughter out. She is understandably very much influenced by her peers at this age. If she is able to start meeting more considerate and community minded peers, for example by volunteering for a charity (while looking for work) she can feel less pressured to behave like a drunken bum. :)

m0therofdragons · 05/02/2017 08:35

This is a very serious conversation so I don't understand why step mum is taking these steps rather than the girl's father. I'm not disagreeing with the decision just who delivered it.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 08:37

It is THE marital home. Likely jointly owned. Regardless of who owns it the fact that it is the marital home indicates that the husband should have the say about HIS daughter not the step mother.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 08:37

If the previous posts are to be believed op is a youngish newish mother in need of support. She has never mentioned dsd before now. I doubt the op will be back to the thread or even appear with this username again.

babybythesea · 05/02/2017 08:38

I might just say it one more time.

SHE COULD GO TO HER MUM'S HOUSE.

Her mother is happy to have her but there are rules there - the same ones.
So she doesn't want to go there.

People have asked if the OP would be the same if it was her DS instead - well, the DSD's mother IS the same - sounds like everyone is reaching their limit with her.

Forcing her into prostitution, as some have said? Er, no, She could choose to look for a job, and choose to do that while living with either her father or her mother, (a choice of 2 houses, neither of which contains her boyfriend) while also being polite and helping out a bit around the house. She is CHOOSING not to do that.

I suspect that if a deadline of a month was put in place, and if the DSD made a serious effort in that time (stopped being rude, started to help out a bit and made a serious effort to job hunt) then if a job hadn't actually been secured that deadline would be extended. What you want to see is evidence that things are seriously changing.

To those who are saying the OP is harsh - what would you be doing to ensure this wasn't still going on in 10 years time? How long would you give her? She's had help with getting interviews and hasn't turned up. What would your support consist of, and in the meantime, would you expect help around the house from this adult, and how would you get her to give it if she refused? Would you martyr yourself picking up after her and cooking for her while she was rude to you? Especially if her own mother is refusing to pander to her?

Lots of posters have said they couldn't throw her out. Ok, so what would you do that the OP hasn't done? Or are you seriously suggesting that you would be thrilled to run around after an her while she treats you like dirt?

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 08:38

HenriettaH: Oh dear. Who'd be a stepmother, eh? If you immediately become a second class citizen in your own house and someone else can treat you like crap with no allowance for your objections. I say leave the single dads to it!

Bambamrubblesmum · 05/02/2017 08:40

HenriettaH what a load of rubbish!

OP don't listen to the SM bashing on this thread. Both you and her dad have done the right thing.

She needs a jolt out of this fog she's in. If she doesn't get a grip soon her life will slip by and she'll have done nothing with it. This happens to a lot of people who wake up in their 30s and realise what opportunities they've wasted. We've got a few family members who've done this and they're currently going through a tough time.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 05/02/2017 08:43

The op is also a young mum with a toddler and has depression, come on, give her a break.

sandgrown · 05/02/2017 08:44

My friend had a son like this. He is now 35, never held down a job, threatens her and steals from her to fund his drug habit.

gottachangethename1 · 05/02/2017 08:49

yabu. my parents wanted me gone by the age of 18. I'd worked since I was 16 and was a 'good girl' but they decided both me and my siblings were adults at this age and needed to be independent. The result was all four of us married/got into relationships in haste, which were not right for us, took jobs that were menial and low paid just to earn our keep (I started uni at 30) and generally felt pushed into a life we were not ready for. Maybe your dsd will be different, but imo you are setting her up to fail.

Lucked · 05/02/2017 08:50

I would have DH speak to her again privately saying that you are both serious, two years is too long and that she needs to grow up.

But I would also offer the grapevine that, if, as of tomorrow she was actually chasing work and pulling her weight around the house with cleaning and cooking then you may reconsider.

HookandSwan · 05/02/2017 08:50

Good on you! Why should she be allowed to behave like that! And if you don't put a firm foot down now she will never learn.

A previous family I nannied for. The father had a grown up son by his first marriage.
He is now 28, he regularly trashes cars they buy him new ones. He smokes pot, he goes to college he gets kicked out every time for not turning up, doing any work etc. He can't hold down a job, he breaks things he gets them replaced, he even has a monthly allowance. Hes stuck in a cycle of I mess up mummy and daddy will help me out. And imo it should been broken a long time ago!!

He is 28!

Why should the op have someone lazing about in her house, while she works hard. It makes no difference if the girl is a step child or a biological child.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 08:51

I am a stepmother... so forget bashing me too.
OP is being given 'reasons' for her harsh behaviour...young son, depression etc.... none of which are known to be true. I think she should step back and let father and daughter have their time together to discuss.... But somehow I think this stepmother will have a problem with that. Some of us stepmothers choose to respect the fact that husbands with children need to spend quality time with and discipline THEIR children in their own way. Jealousy of the other female relatives in a husbands life is so unhealthy.

Lunar1 · 05/02/2017 08:53

Have you made it clear to your dh that you are serious? I'd make sure he knows that you mean it. Let's hope this will be the making of her.

Do you have in mind what you will do if she turns things around? Starts helping in the house and actively looking for work, would you reconsider if she does?

You are doing the right thing, otherwise how long could this go on for?

PoohBearsHole · 05/02/2017 08:53

OP
YANBU

to everyone else:

SD has a mother with a home, who she lived with until she didn't like the rules one suspects and moved in with dad

Ds pays no attention to the house rules, has thrown back help for jobs to sit around doing fa

this "child" doesn't require mental health support but seems downright LAZY, you know like teenagers can be.

there are plenty of people who've had to support themselves and dependents from a younger age.

by killing viking her out, the sd will perhaps learn to grow up, send her to the boyfriends, she will probably be on one or the other parents doorstep within a week. That's when you let her back in and start helping again.

Frankly when does it stop if you don't reach the end of yur tether? And cracking example for your ds to have knowing he can get away with anything. Go with you're plan op.

frumpet · 05/02/2017 08:54

I really feel for you OP , it is such an awful place to be , living with someone who is so selfish and cannot see the damage they are inflicting on everyone else in the household . I wish I had been as determined as you when DS was 19 , I let it continue for another 2 years

areyoubeingserviced · 05/02/2017 08:54

I sympathise with you OP. However, I think that her father should have issued the ultimatum.

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