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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
TataEs · 05/02/2017 05:22

i don't think it's harsh.
my cousin is allowed to sit on her butt and doing nothing. her mum gets her interviews and encourages her but her life is cushy with her dad primarily saying 'she's young' etc and paying for everything for her. she's 24. and it's fucking ridiculous.
she won't change if you don't make her.

TheStoic · 05/02/2017 05:39

So she's no income and nowhere to go but her boyfriends.

Her boyfriend's, or her mother's.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 05:56

Forced into the street? Forced into a relationship of convenience?

No.

Refused to be respectful in her fathers home. Refused to try to get a job or even attend interviews.

Well done op for having some self respect. I hope this is the wake up call she needs and that she will prove herself in time, so as you can revoke your threat.

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 05:59

19 is young. You are within your rights to do what you are doing but it seems a little harsh given her age. However, it depends on how much support and encouragement she has been given to date and on her general attitude to you.

If she is lazy but otherwise respectful towards you, perhaps a more realistic, staggered deadline of a few months would be more reasonable. Give her some milestones for each week - stop smoking indoors immediately, apply for three jobs, volunteer or get work experience, etc. Make sure she understands she has worn out a lot of your patience and the'direction of travel' is towards her moving out.

If she is rude to you, YANBU. You are not obliged to house her anymore.

I do think it is telling that she moved in with you when she did (15). It sounds like the parenting hasn't necessarily been that finessed. Was her education chaotic? How many GCSEs does she have? How employable is she?

MaisyPops · 05/02/2017 06:00

Nobody is FORCING this adult on the streets.
All the OP and her husband are saying is "we've helped you out in all these ways and there's no improvement so we'd like you to leave. You can return to your mother".

Righy now my taxes are being spent propping up an immature adults smoking, netflix and party habits. Bit of a joke when there are working families whod love to get tax credits.

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 06:01

Sorry, OP, you have said she is rude. YANBU.

OliviaStabler · 05/02/2017 06:02

YANBU. Time for tough love OP.

rattieofcarcassone · 05/02/2017 06:05

There are options besides becoming homeless and moving in with the boyfriend. Plenty of jobs exist where she can live in and they are easy to get. I spent three years doing it and I was only out of work when I wanted to be. Yes the pay is often shit but they are there. She has had two years to sort herself out, op has helped and she had ignored it, how long should they let this go on for? Being "young" is no excuse.

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 06:09

Also, I just noticed your user name is Gem90 - are you only 26? I don't mean this to sound patronising but that is very young to be in a parenting role to an adult. If that is the case then I imagine she was already a teenager when you met her dad? I can't imagine things have been easy for her. That doesn't excuse rudeness but it makes me wonder how well she has been set up for the challenges of being a young adult. Not your fault or your responsibility if you are as young as I imagine, but it makes me feel for her a bit more tbh.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 06:23

What have her parents actually done so far.
and I agree with pp, noticed your age, you should not be having to parent a 'child' who is pretty much your peer.

Bambamrubblesmum · 05/02/2017 06:43

Some big leaps there from her username! 90 could be anything not just her birth year!

The OP said it's her house. If she's 26 then she's very financially on the ball to have her own place in her own right, in which case she would be a great role model to the DSD OR she's not actually 26!

She has options:

Go to her mums

Go to her boyfriends

Get a job and change her attitude!

You're doing the right thing OP. Sometimes tough love is the better parenting choice in the long run.

SemiNormal · 05/02/2017 06:45

YANBU! My DB was like this and it frustrated my mum no end. He ended up being at home until gone 30, she did his washing, cooking, cleaning, ended up bailing him out on more than one occasion financially, he has since gone back for periods of around 3-6 months (on more than one occasion). As much as I love my mum I get fucked off with her moaning about how incapable my DB is because she is allowing it, she still does his washing and cooking FFS!

When my son reaches a certain age he'll have choices, work, college, Uni, six form etc - if he chooses to stay in education I will support him and he can live here rent free. If he works he can pay 'rent' - he won't know it but I will be saving half of the 'rent' for when he is ready to move out so that he will, hopefully, have enough for his first couple of months rent and deposit etc. If he abides my rules then he can stay until he has saved enough for a deposit on a house for all I care but I would not have anyone over the age of 18yrs in my home doing fuck all and contributing fuck all whilst I'm out earning. Fuck that.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 06:51

On the whole these things are birth year, I've noticed

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 06:53

StealthPolarBear your confidence on the matter has made me smile. Smile

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 06:59

:)

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 07:01

However it prompted me to do some name searching and now I'm sad.

Op this is not just about dsd is it. Sad You need to get support for yourself. Everything is a bit tipsy turvy in you home it seems.

Iris65 · 05/02/2017 07:01

On some sites I have a username ending in 122.
I haven't has a card from the queen or any recognition of being one of the oldest women alive!
122 is actually the house number of somewhere I once lived!

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 07:04

I wondered how long it would be before I got the "obvious exceprions".
On the whole when people have usernames ending in 81 or 1990 or something it is their birth year ime. There is a chance I am wrong I will admit. Let's just leave this now as it really isn't the point of the thread.

HotWellies · 05/02/2017 07:16

To be honest it sounds like this is the last straw for the OP. Going out and being drunk in itself is not a big deal IMO but it is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I know someone very very like this who at this sort of age lounged around and expected everything handed to her on a plate. Her parents excused her by saying 'she's young' 'jobs are hard to get' etc etc etc.

She's 40 now. Her life has not changed much, shall we say.

I think 2 years of supporting the DSD and paying for her, helping her etc to apply for jobs- sourcing potential jobs etc is enough. And to get only disrespect and abuse back? A line needs to be drawn. She will not be homeless- she has a mother she can live with.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 05/02/2017 07:18

YANBU.

Honestly, you are doing her no favours by enabling her to opt out of adult life. You've given her choices but she's rejected them, you're not kicking her out, you've made it clear she has options she is choosing to ignore.

Hopefully this will help her in the long run.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/02/2017 07:19

OP YANBU.

Something needs to change and this has clearly given her a shock, maybe she WILL change, but don't back down, just leave the door open to her if she DOES make the changes and maybe wants/needs to return in the future.

But you have to follow through now, you really do. I hope she goes to her mum's, tbh - at least you're all on the same page with her!

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 07:19

I was just wondering about the user name, not assuming.

SideOrderofSprouts · 05/02/2017 07:24

Op I don't think yabu

At 19 she is old enough to sort herself out

Everyone who says she needs love and support and will do it in her own time etc this is why we do have a generation of 'oh I don't really want to do that
Job. I'll wait for something I really want' without the needed qualifications (my niece was the same!)

Stay firm

user1471545174 · 05/02/2017 07:32

YANBU, OP. She needs to sink or swim now.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 05/02/2017 07:54

The OP has I assume reached the end of her patience after two years of trying to help her dsd. I don't know why you're getting some of the harsh responses you have.

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