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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
Manepartner · 05/02/2017 00:32

If it was dd instead of dsd everyone would say op wasn't unreason- I wouldn't. I don't differentiate between DC and DSC. All I see is a young adult about to embark down the wrong path in life. At this stage her parents have a choice, help her get on the right one...or throw her out

Framboise18 · 05/02/2017 00:34

YANBU YANBU yanbu! Definitely doing the right thing she needs to have a real life lesson, otherwise she will never learn.

SallyLeStrange · 05/02/2017 00:35

If it was dd instead of dsd everyone would say op wasn't unreasonable

?

HelenaGWells · 05/02/2017 00:38

I do think things need to change in your house, however you need to give her longer, ONE month is taking the piss, you need to give her at least 3-6 months.

RTFT - op has given her TWO YEARS and she's not done anything. I'm sure if she spends the next month making an effort then she could stay but enough is enough. It's not like she's struggling to get work she literally won't look. If she won't job hunt and she won't study why should either of her parents fund her lifestyle if sitting on her ass?

HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2017 00:39

I don't think that your feelings about this are unreasonable but I think it was her father's job to tell her.

TheWitTank · 05/02/2017 00:40

YANBU. It sounds like you have given her every opportunity to suceed and behave respectfully and a great deal of time to do it in. I too would be utterly sick of it. That said, hopefully this will be her wake up call. I would give her a "probationary" period of two months in which time she has to look for and secure a job or further education and buck her ideas up. If you are on good terms with her mother, speak with her and discuss how you can best encourage and support her. I would limit paying for anything beyond her bare essentials-if she wants a mobile phone, new clothes etc she gets a job and pays herself. She needs a good kick up the bum and some motivation to do well for herself. Good luck.

SallyLeStrange · 05/02/2017 00:41

Why do some people seem to think that parenting ends at age 18?

Making someone homeless never solved anything. She will hate you for it and it will destroy her life. However anyone paints this, that is exactly what op will be doing if she follows through with her plan.
Destroying the life of a young girl and forcing her to live with a man she clearly does not want to live with!

SallyLeStrange · 05/02/2017 00:43

HelenaGWells I get what you are saying, but one month is not going to cut it, how do you expect a person on benefits to find a place to rent within a month? There are few options open to her

it is the OP who has allowed this to go on for two years, there should have been plans in place ages ago, rather than waiting for a big blow out

KoolKoala07 · 05/02/2017 00:45

I agree with you op, she's had plenty of time to sort herself out, she's clearly not making an active effort and if somebody doesn't make a stand now how long is going to keep taking advantage, into her 20s, 30s or 40s. I'm only in my 20s myself and it seems to me that youngsters now want to be treated like adults but behave like children.

LBOCS2 · 05/02/2017 00:46

At this stage her parents have a choice, help her get on the right one...or throw her out

So what exactly, apart from support for the last two years and encourage her to find a job, should the parents be doing?

At what point does it stop being supportive and start taking the piss?

I think you've done the right thing OP, but I do think it was her dad's job to tell her.

Original poster
Gem90 · 05/02/2017 00:46

Sally I own the house so I won't be going anywhere.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 05/02/2017 00:47

I don't think parenting ends at 18. I do think that pandering to an adults long term rude and lazy behaviour is awful parenting. Letting her sit on her arse being insolent, bored and wasting away her confidence and career prospects isn't being a great parent or step parent. 19 is old enough to help yourself a bit too. You can't have your bottom wiped for you forever.

Pinbasket · 05/02/2017 00:49

She won't be homeless she will go live with her boyfriend at his parents house
She will be homeless in effect, just staying at the boyfriend's parents house doesn't make it her home. Anyway, will his parents want her living with them? It's very different to just having her around in the day time? What happens if the relationship turns sour? She's very vulnerable indeed the moment she leaves your house. Teenagers behaviour can be infuriating but kicking her out really isn't the best course of action...
Could you see if she could stay at the boyfriends house for a few nights while the situation calms down, and tell her to think about/ write a list of how things will be different if she returns? You and her dad do the same and then meet with her (maybe in a public place, so it limits shouting etc) and see what you can agree upon if she stays with you.

Obviously getting a job will be on your list, as well as respect and basic consideration for others in the house.

YouHadMeAtCake · 05/02/2017 00:56

Some odd responses . How on earth is OP being unfair and unreasonable ffs?

This ADULT has had two years and plenty of warnings. Not that she should even need to be told to work or go to college ! Why would she not know that is the pattern of life and she cannot live for free ? She clearly has no respect for the family or herself.

This all sounds very much like a family members not so dear SS who again, won't work or go college and expects to be able to play video games all day, get stoned or drunk and be fully supported. He's nearly 19 too. No pride.

She is lazy and rude to her family, she needs to get off her arse and get a job or go to college. I'd not be happy going to work and supporting her lazing about the house doing fuck all either. As for would OP kick her DS out, he's highly unlikely to be a lazy shit so it is irrelevant .

ilovesooty · 05/02/2017 00:59

Why isn't her father actively parenting her? Why hasn't he insisted she pays rent and looks for work? How is she claiming jobseekers while refusing to undertake jobsearching according to her conditionality agreement?

Astoria7974 · 05/02/2017 01:00

Kick her out now, fair enough. But then don't be surprised when she forgives her birth parents and paints you as a witch. This is an ultimatum her dad should have provided, you have overstepped big time and it will bite you in the ass.

Astoria7974 · 05/02/2017 01:00

I'm a step parent btw. Would never dream of doing this to dsd

TheWitTank · 05/02/2017 01:06

Why on earth has she overstepped the line? If anyone, child, stepchild, family member, friend was living in the house I owned, paid for, supported by my money and my food and was rude and lazy I would speak up. I wouldn't meekly stand in the background allowing it to continue.

Original poster
Gem90 · 05/02/2017 01:07

We both provided it. As in, we both woke her up this morning and told her that we had had enough, that her lifestyle affects everyone in the house and that we were no longer willing to pay for her to laze about watching Netflix, chainsmoking and contributing nothing to the house.

OP posts:
LadyHelenOfShitsville · 05/02/2017 01:21

Have you looked into the underlying reasons why she's like this? Depression/anxiety/self esteem? Why she hasn't she had the motivation to better herself for the last 2 years? Not applying for jobs or going to college indicates not having any confidence in herself? Easier option is to not do anything? Impacts of parents divorce perhaps?

I would look into that first before I considered kicking her out.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 01:23

Sally RTFT
She has had 2 YEARS to sort herself out but has chosen not to and to sponge off her parents.

She HAS somewhere to go but the rules will be the same there so she CHOSE not to go.

At 19 she should be working and contributing to her upkeep or in college.

She isnt a child she is an adult and needs to take some responsibility for herself.

Would you let an adult sponge off you and abuse you for the privilege of letting her stay in your house and do sfa all day? Doent care who it is, if they are abusive and refuse to do a damm thing to help themselves or in the house then they dont get to keep doing it.

RacoonBandit · 05/02/2017 01:37

I could not throw my 19 DD out of the house.

I was a very flakey teenager but lucky for me my parents did not kick me out of the house. However I always had a job since I left school at 16.

Sorry OP I can see your frustrations and I sympathise but I cannot say I agree.

YouHadMeAtCake · 05/02/2017 01:40

So, those unhelpful people saying they couldn't do it to their dsd or whatever, what would you do exactly?! Let her carry on taking the piss, living free, treating her family like shit and wasting her life?!

madein1995 · 05/02/2017 01:42

Im not one of those mners who thinks everyone should work from age 14 abd be self sufficient but even i, as an admittedly slightly spoilt 21 year old , think yanbu. What does she do all say, sit on her behind? If shes not going to interviews tgen she shouldnt be signing jobseekers for a start. This type of thing makes me so angry - peoples hard earned taxes are funding her. If youre really lookibg for work it is different but shes not is she. She needs to join the real world. I hate my job atm, facing violence every day and am looking for something else, but i still wkrk because being unemployed was so shit. That said getting a job in a month could be tricky, especially this time of year. Maybe rewod it and give a month of really Showing willing - applying for jobs, attending interviews etc.

I dont see why op is gettimg blamed for being firm. The girl is 19 and clearly workshy, something needs to give. As for beinf homeless well thats her owb fault. Im sure if sged genuinely been trying and going to interviews the op wouldnt do this. She is probably fed up of working all day then coming home to a lazy overgrown child. It makes me so angry too, to think of someone just not going to interview, doesnt she know how lucky she is? When i was on jsa it was soul destroying, and i spent weeks without interviews, wincing at every rejection, im sure others would have felt the same. And she gets invited to ibterview and wastes the opportunity!

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 01:42

Racoon for how long? Till she's 20? 30? 50? How long would you keep her?