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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to mother in law?

214 replies

Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 19:52

Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 10/01/2017 19:55

It's something that she enjoys

You're already allowing your Ds to go to nursery two days a week, why can't he go to his nannys house once a week too?

You have 4 days at home playing happy families.

And again it's time away for him and bonding time for you

Slimmingsnake · 10/01/2017 19:55

It's twice a month she has him? Have I read that correctly? If so I would let her have him...you will be glad of the break...and she clearly loves him...

AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 19:56

This reply has been deleted

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Slimmingsnake · 10/01/2017 19:56

Cancel one of the nursery sessions to make up for it..definitely let her have him...

AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 19:58

Definitely let her have him? Why?

Original poster
Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 19:58

She looks after him twice a month and we see her every Sunday and spend a few hours at her house.

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 10/01/2017 19:59

" Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. "

so it's a choice between letting her continue, or she emotionally abuses the child?

AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 20:01

I'd cut her away for the comments, she is undermining you and your parenting.

LucklessMonster · 10/01/2017 20:01

I do think YABU. She clearly enjoys it, I assume your son likes being with his nanna, and it's only once a fortnight when she has him alone. I would let her carry on.

Tallulahoola · 10/01/2017 20:03

"You have four days at home playing happy families"

Hmm

It is the OP's family. She's not playing at anything.

OP if your MIL had said nicely but honestly that she would really miss doing the grandparent duties and would love to see more of him, I'd say you should think about it. But all this passive aggressive "nanny's not going to see you much longer" stuff is awful. Do whatever you want. Maternity leave is time you never get back. There will be weeks where you really want a break and will bite her hand off when she offers to take him, and weeks when you want to spend time with him. So tell her you don't want to make definite arrangements any more but will try to arrange other visits - I think that's what you're saying anyway. Then she still gets to see him but you're not bound to a routine that you don't want.

Richteadipped2 · 10/01/2017 20:05

AdorableAnn, what else do you think this utterly evil MIL does?

Fuck me, tremendous projection!

AmeliaJack · 10/01/2017 20:06

She needs to drop it. You need to politely call her on the passive aggressive comments. They are not appropriate in front of a two year old who can understand them.

AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 20:06

Playing Happy Family? FFS, New is pregnant with child. She is a happy family.

stella23 · 10/01/2017 20:07

Just be up front, don't let it linger, say your dh had mentioned it to you.....

Original poster
Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 20:07

I understand it's once a fortnight, but my feelings are that I'll also have to continue sending him to my parents every other Monday - only fair. So as per original post, I'll have to take him every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. To me it's just unnecessary to have that strict arrangement with family who know that I am on maternity leave and am just enjoying spending time with my children. I'll never get the time back, it'll be back to work full time after this one so I really just want to enjoy my time. Plus I want to get myself into a routine and find my feet with two. My in laws do not drive so it's just hassle.

OP posts:
Anonymous1112 · 10/01/2017 20:08

Honestly it sounds a little like you see them as childcare but they obviously love spending time with your little one. One day a week each fortnight will not do you any harm (you may find you need the rest). I don't like mils snarky comments but she obviously values the time she spends with your child. Why not let it continue?

Original poster
Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 20:08

Meant to say every other Thursday.

OP posts:
AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 20:08

PA talk, control, inability to accept no. Need more?

PuntasticUsername · 10/01/2017 20:09

YABU to say that because she "doesn't work" (do you mean she doesn't go OUT to work?) she has no need of a regular, agreed arrangement for when she's looking after her grandson. She still has a life in general, in which she will be doing other stuff! PIL look after our DC once a week - if we want extra days we have to book them weeks in advance, or quite often they'll be busy with other commitments.

I agree about the PA "Nanny won't have you much longer" comments, though - that seems a bit uncalled for.

afatalflaw · 10/01/2017 20:10

I thought you were going to say that MIL had refused to have your DS when you were on maternity leave at all and was going to say YANBU, but for other posters to call her a 'bitch' because she has not used to seeing her DGS twice a month and doesn't want to give that up is totally OTT.

I don't think she has gone about it the right way with her comments but I think she is coming from a caring place and you could always cut the days he is out down to half days rather than cancel altogether. It is obviously something she really enjoys snd gets something out of and I would have killed for three days with DD2 when she was born if I knew DD1 was somewhere being cared for and having fun.

Patienceisvirtuous · 10/01/2017 20:10

The thing is, will you want to return to the original agreement post mat leave?

I'd be more flexible if so (if you want the free childcare to continue when it suits you).

finova · 10/01/2017 20:11

I wouldn't drop nursery, if he only goes there 1 day he might become less settled there.
I can see why you don't want him away for 3 days a week though. Would sticking to her weekday but dropping 2 Sundays work?
Presumably when he's 3 his nursery hours might increase anyway?

goose1964 · 10/01/2017 20:11

Can I say that she is probably feeling pushed out and unwanted . Time spent with grandchildren is precious and it may well be the highlight of her week, especially as you mention no FIL and she doesn't work

BrickInTheWall · 10/01/2017 20:12

Why dont you drop one the nursery days and let your parents and inlaws continue with the alternate thursdays.
That way its still only two days your DS is away but grandparents arent missing out. Plus cheaper nursery fees for you. Win-win.

crystalgall · 10/01/2017 20:12

Bloody hell adorableann you seem so angry and overinvested in a thread that has a handful of posts.
'Cut her away'. Does that mean go No contact? Based on what OP has posted. No wonder families are falling apart if that's all it takes to cut someone out of your life.