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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to mother in law?

214 replies

Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 19:52

Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 10/01/2017 20:12

Even if your parents were put out they are not going to tell you incase they upset you.

Why don't you suggests she has him for mornings on her usual days.

Patriciathestripper1 · 10/01/2017 20:13

Jayzus your lucky they want to have him at all. My inlaws are retired and busier now than when they worked.
Perish the thought they get a relationship with their grandchild! I think you are being selfish as they obviously love having him.

SheldonCRules · 10/01/2017 20:15

The comments re she doesn't work has nothin to do with it, neither are you for the next nine to twelve months yet still want to pay for your child to do two days in childcare when he could be home.

It sounds like you see them as childcare not grandparents, I'd have dropped nursery before them.

You'll cut your nose off to spite your face if she turns round and says she won't be used as fre childcare purely when suits you.

timelytess · 10/01/2017 20:16

OP, do it your way, you are right.

What are you expecting to happen when maternity leave is over? Will you want grandparents to take on part of the childcare, while you work? A year is a long time - people can 'age' rapidly, they can get out of the habit of childcare. Dd once commented on how tired I get when spending time with her dd. If you want the previous arrangement to continue, it might be worth keeping it up throughout this year. And who will look after the new baby when you go back to work?

I can totally see your point about wanting to have your ds with you. Instead of leaving him with grandparents, while you are on maternity leave, could you all visit on those days?

HardofCleaning · 10/01/2017 20:17

I think the passive aggressive comments are unreasonable of her but I can definitely understand why she feels a bit used. She probably feels a bit like she's just free childcare and her spending precious bonding time one on one with her DGS isn't important. Personally I'd let her have him at least once a month, since she obviously appreciates the routine and the regular one on one time.

acquiescence · 10/01/2017 20:17

I think YABU. She clearly loves him and wants to continue to spend time with him. I would break my PILs heart if I did this (they have him one day a week) and I would never consider doing it! Unless there are other issues going on I totally don't get why you wouldn't take him out of nursery one day, or half a day and keep up the grandparents. Could you not keep it up for the first 3 months and then review?

As you said she does not work. So this is likely to be one of her main occupations at the moment.

finova · 10/01/2017 20:18

How far is the journey? Could you time it around a baby class? Eg drop him off at 10am go to eg baby sensory/massage/whatever. Go for coffee/lunch and collect him at 1pm?
Might fit around what you are doing.
I'd look at baby classes etc and see if this might work.
Or could your DH drop him 1st thing and you could collect at lunchtime to go on somewhere else?

Original poster
Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 20:19

If she turns around and says she won't look after him because I am not tying myself to every Monday between the grandparents then it proves how controlling she is. And believe me, I've avoided going in to it but the woman has huge tendencies and a history of undermining comments. Anyway back to the point, if she said that, she'd lose out, nursery or my parents will gain Smile.

OP posts:
AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 20:20

Drop nursery where her son learns something? Instead go with PA MIL?

NavyandWhite · 10/01/2017 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wifework · 10/01/2017 20:21

I'd just let her. She obviously really enjoys it. You don't have to be absolutely even handed with your parents. After all, I'm guessing that you're much more likely to visit them yourself with the kids than you would your MIL.

Of course your parents are more direct about their feelings. You're their daughter. Much more difficult with a DIL, but I'm sure she loves your DS just as much as they do. He will benefit from this time with an adult's full time attention too, and maybe when the baby's a bit bigger you can swap kids and take DS out, leaving the baby with MIL.

trappedinsuburbia · 10/01/2017 20:22

Just from a different point of view, it may be good for your ds to keep up the routine of nursery and grandparents, simply as things are going to be a bit unsettled for him for a while until he gets used to the new baby being here, it could be in his best interests to keep it up.

luckylucky24 · 10/01/2017 20:22

We had the same from my MIL. She had him 2 afternoons and I said they would stop when I went on leave. She wasn't happy and said it wasn't fair on my son but I reminded her that they would still see each other and that as it is his last year before school I (as his mother!) would like to spend time with him as he is still at nursery 9-3 3 days a week. She hasn't mentioned it for a while now.
Stick to your guns. She will find other routine.

AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 20:22

We all knew she was controlling. She's PA. What more will OP need to put up with before lowering contact?

SheldonCRules · 10/01/2017 20:22

Ah so it's more you don't like your MIL and this is a perfect opportunity to show it.

You claim not to need childcare yet have booked two days at nursery, that's very telling.

Richteadipped2 · 10/01/2017 20:24

AdorableAnn you sound absolutely crackers!

RoboticSealpup · 10/01/2017 20:25

Yeah, how dare she love her grandson and want to be part of his life. So unreasonable. Doesn't she know that Children belong only to their parents, who get to decide everything? Wink

SorrelSoup · 10/01/2017 20:25

Grin You'll soon be hammering at their door to take the toddler and the baby Grin.

I AM joking not really I had 2 under 2: it's fucking hardcore!!

MsGameandWatch · 10/01/2017 20:26

I probably wouldn't let him go either, three days is almost half the week away from him but then I probably wouldn't have him in nursery two days a week either.

adorableann you sound horrific.

AdorableAnn · 10/01/2017 20:26

And MIL wonders how she pushed her DIL away? Read how here.

PlymouthMaid1 · 10/01/2017 20:27

If she doesn't carry on with the arrangement for a year you may find the MILs routine changes and she isn't free for childcare in the same way. Retired people like structure and routine very often.

AmeliaJack · 10/01/2017 20:28

Sorrel I know you are joking but I hate it when posters say that. I have twins, I never hammered on anyone's door. Ever.

A woman shouldn't have to hand over her child against her will because she might want the odd babysit.

bestcatintheworld · 10/01/2017 20:28

YABU, don't be mean. As others have said, that arrangement may mean a lot to her, plus she's been providing unpaid childcare in the past, which was nice of her. Let him go, but maybe shorten the day?

Whoamicosichangedmynameagain · 10/01/2017 20:30

"nursery or my parents will gain"

This makes it sound like a game or a competition. Just because she is retired does not mean she has no commitments. She may have changed things she wants to do to accommodate your childcare needs.

If she does not do exactly what you want she will lose the childcare competition and your parents will win.Confused

There is a big difference between looking after a child on your own and seeing a child when the parents are there, you must be able to concede that point.

You don't own your child the more loving relatives they have the better for them, far better than nursery. You should be promoting this relationship, two days a month means a lot to your mil, this is a positive thing. Would you have felt better if she had shrugged and said "whatever".

MsGameandWatch · 10/01/2017 20:30

Agree Amelia. I had a three year old with autism and a new born plus a husband who did nothing. I just got on with it and loved it for the most part. I found handing my kids over made more problems; getting them and their stuff there, picking them up again, timing it all round feeds and naps.