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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to mother in law?

214 replies

Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 19:52

Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newtothisshiz · 10/01/2017 22:15

Adorable Ann, are you okay?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 10/01/2017 22:17

I hope my ds never ends up with a person like Adorable Ann

God forbid a grandparent tries to have relationship with their grandchild

timeisnotaline · 10/01/2017 22:20

I think yabu - it sounds like you almost didn't even give her warning of this change , which is very much treating her like service staff. She obviously loves your child and at the very least you should have broken it gently and explained that you want the time with him. You would be hurt if you loved doing something and someone just decided that should stop without a great reason (given you are sending him to Nursery) and to top it all of you are not even important enough to be told nicely. Although given Nursery plans I have no idea why you are doing this. What diffeeence does it make to you that his grandma has him not Nursery?

timeisnotaline · 10/01/2017 22:22

Just read What is the point of one on one time??
Did you adopt your dc at 1.5? How can you have had a baby and not get the point of one on one time?

GimmeeMoore · 10/01/2017 22:22

You're about to have two children,one a newborn,one toddler.need to settle baby,and son adjust
You'll be tired,postpartum,and frankly I'd take the help offered.itll support you all
The toddler has his routine at nursery & granny that's stability and reassuring fir him
As much as a baby is a much wanted addition to parents,for toddler its bewildering,feels like a threat,and inevitably he'll feel shoved out. Toddlers can act out,become needy as they adjust to this seismic change

Frankly it doesn't matter if gran has no hobbies.nada.none.shes still great with the boy

You seem really unappreciative of her,which is a shame, mil wants to help.she could be a great ally.if you'd let her...

crashdoll · 10/01/2017 22:25

I empathise with you but I do think YABU. Loving grandparent relationships are so special and important. I spent lots of time with my grandparents when I was little and it has made my life so much richer and happier. I feel so very loved and supported by more than my parents. Children should have the opportunity to build these bonds and feel loved and give love. Life is so fucking hard and painful and difficult sometimes, your children need as many people on their side as they can.

CactusFred · 10/01/2017 22:26

I think YABU.

It's fine to use her to have your kid when it suits you for free child care but when she wants to keep doing it to spend time with the child she's being unfair?

No. You are being ungrateful.

Alpies · 10/01/2017 22:27

Jeez people really need to chill out. The OP is asking if it's so unreasonable to not want to tie herself to specific times with regards to both GP. She's not saying she's going NC!!!

There is no way I would commit to chauffeuring my DD1 around when I have Dd2 to breastfeed and so much on one's hand as a new mom of 2 under 2.

If MIL truest cared about supporting her son, then she could come round and spend time with DC1 and help with DC2. It just sounds like all she cares about is playing mummy.

And frankly, I don't get this rubbish about GP needing alone time! I simply don't get it. What is it they do that they can't do in front of the mother? And y is it the kind of crap that always comes from MILs?

smellylittleorange · 10/01/2017 22:32

Perhaps have a word with your DH OP it is his Mother and she sounds awfully lonely and solitary - maybe he can encourage her to do other stuff I know you say it is not your problem but if it was my Mum( or indeed my MIL) I would be v worried..maybe your DH doesnt realise ? Her lack of other activities does mean she is likely to focus on those she does have. IME it may mean more time sitting at home worrying about things .

MuddlingMackem · 10/01/2017 22:32

vdbfamily Tue 10-Jan-17 21:54:57

muddling.....you can achieve social contact for your children by attending toddler groups etc.....it does not have to be a full day at nursery.

picklemepopcorn · 10/01/2017 22:36

I think keeping DS1s routine will actually be quite helpful. He won't feel pushed out when you need one to one time with the baby because all the usual things are happening.

MiL may have groups that she takes him to.

melj1213 · 10/01/2017 22:38

Honestly you sound like my SIL. I love my SIL, don't get me wrong, she is a lovely woman and we get on amazingly well as we're only a couple of years apart, but she can be very self centred at times and only thinking about what she needs people to do as opposed to what they might like to do.

My parents and her parents have been looking after my nephew since he was about 3 months old - one or two days a week, just to give my bro and her a break. When my SIL went back to work one day a week, she's a carer in a residential home so she does long hours with an hour commute each day, so she'd be out of the house at 7am and not be back till easily 8/9pm. My brother works as a mechanical engineer in the shipbuilding industry so he'd be doing 10hr shifts finishing at 7pm ... so they worked out a routine that SIL would drop my nephew off at her mum or my mum's house the evening before, he'd get to have a sleepover with grandma/nana, spend the full day with them, then they'd drop him off or my brother would pick him up when he finished work so he could put him to bed. When it was two days a week, the grandmas would alternate weeks, but when SIL went up to 3 days a week, they'd alternate days and one would have him 2 days one week and 1 the next.

SIL then realised she wasn't ready to go back 3 days a week and dropped back down to 2 days after about 4 months ... by this point both grandmas had a routine and loved their day (or two) with him every week so were devestated when SIL just announced "I don't need you to have him on that extra day now, so it'll be one day a week each, but I might be going down to 1 day a week for a while, so you'll just have to alternate weeks since I don't need you to both have him."

They still had time with him but it was the fact that they only got that day because SIL needed them to look after their grandson, not because she wanted them to, that upset them and so they both cut back to only keeping their one day a week "service" totally free for their grandson. Any other times SIL wanted them to look after him has to be negotiated in advance because they have both said they can't hold their schedules based on her whim.

Despite this, SIL still does this a lot - ask one of them to look after nephew for a morning/afternoon the following week, than on the day will text and say her plans have changed and they don't need to have him ... they would both gladly have had him anyway because they were looking forward to spending time with him and had rearranged their schedules to acomodate the extra visit, and both sets of grandparents have told her that that kind of behaviour made them feel like SIL just wants unpaid childcare rather than her DS to spend time with his grandparents.

Ohyesiam · 10/01/2017 22:39

adorableAnn you have an ironic name

Whoamicosichangedmynameagain · 10/01/2017 22:43

Well OP you clearly don't need any help and your problem isn't "my issue" I'm off.

You sound thoroughly selfish.

Sittingonthesofa · 10/01/2017 22:44

Dear God, how ungrateful can someone be. Nana is happy to help out with childcare yet she's unreasonable etc... words fail me quite honestly. Be fucking grateful and let her stay in the routine that suits her.

jacks11 · 10/01/2017 22:47

I don't think OP is saying her MIL can't have her DS sometimes, just not being tied into the rigid routine of every other Thursday whilst she is on maternity leave.

I agree having a set in stone routine of having to take DS to both grandparents on specific days as well as nursery would be an unnecessary source of work for OP (I doubt she could continue this for one set of GP and not the other). This is a time where she is finding her feet with another child added in and also just enjoying spending time with her children. Once she's back at work, she'll not be able to do that so much. Why do DGM wishes come before OP's?

Sittingonthesofa · 10/01/2017 22:54

Quite simply The children are the parent's responsibility and if DMIL wants to help, then it's doing them a MASSIVE favour. All grandparents have done their time as parents and I bet they didn't have the help that seems so taken for granted now.

If OP wants help when she returns to work then she needs to put herself out just a tiny bit to keep DMIL happy. It's not rocket science.

melj1213 · 10/01/2017 22:57

I don't get this rubbish about GP needing alone time! I simply don't get it. What is it they do that they can't do in front of the mother? And y is it the kind of crap that always comes from MILs?

I'm not a MIL, but why wouldn't you want your children to have independant relationships with their extended family? Didn't you have relationships with your grandparents/aunts/uncles etc which are not reliant on your parents being totally involved?

It's not that they can't do things in front of the mother, but maybe they like the freedom to set their own schedule and plans ... when I was small, going to grandmas was a big thing because we were generally just spoiled rotten, and if mum or dad were there it would have been a different atmosphere.

I always remember the light-hearted "Now don't tell your mum/dad that we've ..." even though they knew full well that we'd blurt it out to them as soon as they arrived (if it wasn't already pre-approved anyway) because it fostered the relationship and we were always close. Or, at primary school my nan would pick me, my brother and 2 cousins up from school every Friday and we'd go to their house for tea - they'd have a packet of sweets for us to share in the car on the way home, we'd get to watch whatever we wanted on TV, we'd eat our tea (usually something & chips which was a treat) from TV tables on the sofa rather than sitting at the table, there was always ice cream for dessert (don't normally have dessert at home, or if it was it was fruit) and we always got "Ten more minutes" when we were told that it was time to go home (or if we were really lucky we'd have an impromptu sleepover). Yes we could have done those things if our parents were there too, but it wouldn't have been the same kind of atmosphere.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 23:01

And frankly, I don't get this rubbish about GP needing alone time! I simply don't get it. What is it they do that they can't do in front of the mother? And y is it the kind of crap that always comes from MILs?

Hmm

Anything for a bit of MIL bashing eh.

OverTheGardenGate · 10/01/2017 23:01

So I guess my son is all she has, but that isn't my issue

You sound lovely.

I find it difficult to believe most of that post, it sounds like a desperate attempt to justify a mean-spirited attitude.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 23:03

So I guess my son is all she has, but that isn't my issue.

That's a bit spiteful

OverTheGardenGate · 10/01/2017 23:04

I don't think OP is saying her MIL can't have her DS sometimes

I don't think it's what the OP said originally that irks.
It's the mean attitude that's gradually seeping out that's garnering sympathy for the Mil.

StrawberryShortcake32 · 10/01/2017 23:16

YANBU. You are on maternity leave and the time you will all have together is precious. Is your MIL pretty mobile? Perhaps she could visit you on the thursdays instead of you going to her? It might make for a nice compromise so she can still see GC but you don't have to cart him around when you are tired, heavy and feeling like a horse box.

Gooseberryfools · 10/01/2017 23:18

In the big scheme of things it's more important for grandparents and child to bond and spend time. That nurturing and relationship will stay with him. A nursery won't have the same bond. A nursery won't love your child or be able to give them as much attention.

Gooseberryfools · 10/01/2017 23:19

So I'd do one day in nursery and one with grandparents. Mine did and it worked well.