Unreasonable to mother in law?

[Newtothisshiz]

Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

OP, it's your child. Maternity leave is precious time to be with your little ones. I don't blame you a bit.

When my DC were small, I made sure that they went to the nursery occasionally and not to my parents or PIL on a regular basis. If you asked my DM or MIL to look after DC say on a Tuesday, they would then expect to have DC every Tuesday. I liked the idea of having my DC at home and be able to take days out etc whenever I felt like it, without having to cancel DM or MIL and then getting drama about it.

AdorableAnn what is the point of one in one time?

Eh? You know that thing people say, to exhausted mothers "sleep when the baby sleeps"? Well how does that happen when yiu have a toddler too? One to one time with the toddler is important too, hugely so. Id be recruiting granny to be on standby for hearty walks with the baby as well.

" This is a grandma who will be a significant part of your childs life until she dies, rather than some nursery workers who are not constant"

Good point, well made.

OP why don't you tell Mil you will wait until you are in a routine with the two before you make a final decision? Then see how you feel. But warn her that as you aren't working any drop offs would be later and pick ups earlier to fit in with baby's routines. There is a change in circumstances and her routines won't be the same. As you parents are mor accommodating maybe they'd be willing to care for DS on a more ad hoc basis say on days you have appointments?
Good luck

I'd definitely keep up the fortnightly mil visits, maybe drop a day at nursery. It sounds like like it's working well. But I wouldn't drop the nursery day for a month or two. I found a 2 year age gap hard going and kept dd1 in nursery 3 days a week the entire year I was off!

Coming at this from a grandma's perspective here. I've had my grandson at least one day a week since he was 3 months old-loved it. My daughter went back to uni part time, me and her hubby looked after him between us-again, loved it. Job changes (son in law), uni placements etc meant I had him full time for several months, including him starting nursery (I nearly cried when he first went!)- loved it but knackered! Uni holidays, no real need for me to have him as my daughter is home, but I still had him at least once a week because we didn't want him to get out of the habit of coming to me. Also I love having him. I work very part time but my days and routines are pretty set, so I can understand your MIL's point of having him regular days, as she probably has a life and routine that works around having him Thursdays (my own particular day is Tuesday).
His other grandma isn't around as she lives a long way away, but when she comes here on her holidays, she has 'first dibs' on any time she wants to spend with him, regardless as to whether it's 'my Tuesday' or not. That's only fair as I get to see him all year, but I try and have him some of the time so as he doesn't get out of the swing of it. This is all agreed with my daughter, not some form of custody fight with her mother-in-law, by the way!!
My daughter is now working different days each week, so some weeks I have him a lot, some days just mornings/afternoons, some weeks I might not need to have him as my daughter's working times means she doesn't NEED me to have him, but I want to.
Don't underestimate how much your parents and in-laws love your little one. It'd be much worse if they didn't.

yabu i think. your mil has helped you out loads and clearly formed a close bond with your child. what a great thing! she's going to miss him terribly, and given that she's given you free childcare, how about a compromise? you don't have to get him there so early maybe, and perhaps she could bring him home?

a little slack will go a long way i think.

Why don't you cut out the nursery (or 1 of the days) and let him go who one or the other grandparents. Keep it fluid. You may want him there more to get to know the new baby or you may want some extra rest. If you are having a year off he will be eligible for free nursery then so you won't lose a nursery place.

^The reality is HE IS YOUR CHILD. .
Being a grandma is a privilege not a right.^

Really? So children belong only to their parents and nobody else gets to have a relationship unless they "earn it"? (And how do they do that, by the way? By following mum's exact instructions?)

vdbfamily Tue 10-Jan-17 21:15:14

I could never understand why people funded nursery care whilst on mat leave unless planning a very short break.

I think AdorableAnn has been reading that book "Why I am always right and all my family are cunts" by Jan-Eric Selfhelpshite, which was recently recommended on another thread.

I think YAB slightly U. She enjoys having him and one on one time is a good thing. It would do no harm for him to spend at least part of every other Thursday with his grandmother. If one particular week its not convenient you can be a bit flexible. Seeing him alone is different than a family visit-more opportunity to read stories, share activities etc.

Also I wonder if you were expecting more replies like (not)AdorableAnn's.

Those Thursdays will be the majority of one to one attention your ds will get once his sibling is born. At nursery he shares attention with the other children. At home he will share it with the baby. I think it is unfair to your son to take away the one to one time he gets with his grandparents.

Whether you like it or not, you won't be able to put him first - why take him away from people who can. You think it's better for YOU. The question should be what is better for him. Being the centre of attention one day a week is a good thing. For him.

muddling.....you can achieve social contact for your children by attending toddler groups etc.....it does not have to be a full day at nursery. They can feel very emotionally vulnerable when a new sibling arrives and to lose their special day a week with devoted grandparents indulging their every whim, and have to continue with 2 whole days away from family is not the best thing. I think that so many people have to use nursery care to survive these days that the benefits are over inflated because no-one wants to mentions the negatives. I stick to my opinion that a day with grandparents will do more for a childs emotional wellbeing and development that a day at nursery.

"Really? So children belong only to their parents and nobody else gets to have a relationship unless they "earn it"? (And how do they do that, by the way? By following mum's exact instructions?)"

Precisely correct. And what's wrong with following instructions? And why does GM need alone time?

YABU expecting to drop and pick up your inlaws for childcare when they clearly enjoy.
How would you feel if she made permanent arrangements to do something else, whist not at your beck and call? I don't mean that to sound as bitchy as it appears but that is how it feels to her it doesn't matter that she doesn't work,she is still allowed a routine

What do you think of the drop nursery one day a week OP you have not said?

You say your MIL is retired but does she have any regular routines that you know of? e.g My retired MIL does Book club one night, yoga another and voluntary work Wednesdays.

i can understand wanting to keep nursery to two days a week, so why not do nursery twice and every other week one gp have your son, so both have once a month

saying that, once baby is born im sure you will enjoy the exyta time with baby, plus your child to keep routine, so i dont see the problem with the set up now, your dc will be away from you 3 days, but you will have 4 with him

maybe cut out sundays

so that

When my second child was born my first was going to preschool just in the mornings but now she's doing three days til 3:30 and one morning a week - I found having two children pretty exhausting, maybe you will too?
And I know my mum comes out with some funny things sometimes but she does mean well, maybe your mil will really miss spending time with your son...
Really hope you can work something out that keeps all the grandparents happy, your son is so lucky to have them...

Adorable Ann I really can't see anything the GM has done to not be allowed to spend time with her grandson apart from a couple of PA comments. Families are important it is important for children to build relationships with their GP if they possibly can. It is important for children to be around those who will give them unconditional love and a diversity is always better. I dont have any memories made with my Grandparents...my husband has - they shaped the man who he is today compassionate, kind and caring. I can't see anything that the OP's MIL has done to deny her son that chance.

How do you get on with you own MIL?

AdorableAnn it is the toddler who will need the one to one time. Do you actually have children close together? Your questions make me think perhaps you dont.

AdorableAnn childcare guru. You need to write a book.

Hi little orange, Mil has no hobbies at all. She doesn't like watching sports, doesn't do any sport, doesn't drive, doesn't go on walks, doesn't read (apart from child trauma books - very limited choice) doesn't cook, doesn't travel, doesn't like beauty I.e makeup or spa treatments etc, hates shopping, isnt interested in clothes, and is very hard to buy for at birthdays and Christmas! So she isn't and never has been tied to anything. She used to complain how bored she was when fil worked, sometimes cried about it, rather than finding a hobby. So I guess my son is all she has, but that isn't my issue.

I've never said contact will be cut, or her having him for a day is out of the question for a year, I'm just saying I' not happy with tying myself to her and my parents every Thursday.

I do get everyone's POV and feel less irritated about it taking on board what everyone has said. Nursery will remain as is.

You sound nice, OP, and grateful.

Your post reads that you dont like her and she bores the arse off you.