Unreasonable to mother in law?

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Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

My dmum and dmil (I love her) each had ds one day a week from when he was 7 months until he starated school - they'do have been so upset to have lost that time with him had I stopped it at any point.

They now pick up from school on 'their day' and the bond ds has with them is fantastic- I love that he's so comfortable with them.

So many grandparents are crap - if ds loves them I'd keep up the arrangement

I don't think 2 days a month is strict. You can obviously chat about varying the times. No one is saying it has to remain precisely the same.

However, most people think YABU. You asked the question. Lots of posters have given you considered, thoughtful comments ( with some notable exceptions). It would be polite to consider the responses and not just dismiss them. Or do you make a habit of dismissing other people's opinions?

Stick to nursery as planned as that routine works and you need it
I'd let mil see the boy twice a month as usual
You've got a lot of steady GP reliable help.a lot of folk would bite hand off for that

I can see both POV. The fact you don't want him out 3 days a week, nor the hassle of dropping & collecting him etc and hers that she currently has him two days a month and she's really going to miss that. Seeing him when you are there is not the same as having him on her own, it's a totally different relationship. I'd feel the same as each of you in yourbdufferent positions and tbh I'd have said to him that I'd miss him too.

IMO bonding with grandparents & others who love you is every bit as important as nursery.

I would drop one day of nursery and let your parents & her carry on as they were when they want to, on the understanding if a special event comes up (friend's birthday etc) then it'll be either a different day that week, or no day if that suits them bette, and that if they want to cancel any days, that's totally fine too.

I don't think YABU OP. Plans change during maternity leave; nothing needs to be set in stone.
In your shoes, I'd cut nursery down to 2 mornings per week; and enjoy the rest of your precious maternity leave with your 2 DC.
The not driving thing is a complete PITA too.

I'm currently on maternity leave after having DC2 three months ago. I usually work four days per week - DC1 does 2 days at nursery and 2 days with my parents (yes I know I am very lucky). Before DC2 was born I was keen to keep DC1 home on the days my parents looked after him as I feared he would feel pushed out by his sibling. However upon arrival of DC2 I learnt that by not letting him go to my parents actually felt like more of a punishment. He gets full attention there, not having to share it with his sister like he does at home. He loves spending time with them. We now have an arrangement that he goes one lunch time, sleeps over and then I go and pick him up with his sister and stay for lunch the following day. This means we get time together on those days but he still gets quality time with his grandparents. I would also add that I hadn't anticipated how hard it would be with two (esp while breastfeeding) so am very appreciative of the time with DC2 on our own.

Youre about to have a toddler and a baby. Intense doesnt cover it. This is not the moment to cut back on fkexible free loving childcare cos she gets on your nerves a bit.

I expect she feels a bit used. From her perspective, she's good enough to have your DS twice a month while you work, but you don't need or want her to have him while on mat leave (understandable, neither would I). Conversely, you are willing to pay £££ for him to go to nursery 8 days a month whole you are on mat leave. You say he thrives on going to nursery. Ergo, his time with GM isn't nearly as beneficial to him.
She might be feeling used and undervalued.

Having baby and toddler is Demanding.Very much so.take all help you're offered

Ah bless you OP. The day will come when you'll back at how silly you were to be offended over two whole afternoons a month. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. One day you'll be grateful that your son has GPS that want to spend time with him.

Could you re-arrange your Sundays for the time being so she gets to spend a bit of 1 on 1 time with him?

AdorableAnn I think you need to calm down! strange first posts

My brother and I were 16 months apart and my mother disliked my nans regular involvement with us.... set days. This was except when it suited her, the birth of my brother and sister much later!
I have only wonderful memories of the relationship I had with nan.

Well you say all this now from the position of only doing 4 full days a week of child care with only one child. Have you any experience of the adjustment period toddlers go through when a new sibling arrives? The acting out, the tantrums, the sometimes dangerous behaviour towards the baby? It is hard work. Much harder than twice the effort of a single child. Add to that he will guaranteed drop all naps when the baby is born leaving you with literally no down time in the day. I realised when dc2 arrived just how easy babies are in comparison to toddlers who are having to adjust to their whole world being thrown out of kilter.

Be nice to her. There will be days when you will be grateful for her support, as you'll need it just to catch up on sleep. Also consider your son. Time with granny is probably something he looks forward to. Take that away at the same time as the upset that a new baby causes and he is going to feel very hard done by.

I just want to say (as someone who gets zero help from my mum or in laws) you are incredibly lucky to have two sets of gp's wanting to help out and look after your son. I would make the most of it as when you have two(or more) u may not find them so forthcoming!

What is the point of one on one time?

I would let her have him every other Thursday, as you currently do.

It will be good for your son to still have that routine and bonding time with his grandmother.

If she is a good grandmother then I believe spending time with her and your parents is just as vital and important as nursery is to his development.

It doesn't seem a great hardship to have a schedule. Nothing to say you can't change things if something comes up, some people like to have a rough idea in their mind of what's going on, I know I do.

YAB a bit U. I would keep up the arrangement for the sake of your DS and MILs relationship. Perhaps drop some of the Sunday visits to even things up.

YANBU IMO

Completely agree with Sheldon above.

I had no family childcare help and i paid for my eldest DC to go to nursery 2 days a week whilst I was on mat leave with second. I did this for a number of reasons (keep her used to routine and nursery, give me a break from running round after a 2 yr old constantly and also give me a chance to enjoy newborn cuddles and young baby play without worrying about what my toddler was up to or worrying she would be jealous.) I figure she had me 100% to her self through mat leave when she was a baby so it's only fair to my second that I gave her some time alone with me so she could also have the bonding and peace that my eldest had. It was great as my eldest had a busy day at nursery enjoying herself and I initially stayed home cuddling new baby or went for a peaceful walk or took the baby swimming which I couldn't have done with my toddler on my own.

If I had a grandparent wanting to look after my toddler one day a fortnight or even one day a week on too of nursery I'd have taken it. Your toddler will thrive from the bonding and nurture from grandparent, new baby bonds and has a chance to sleep uninterrupted and grandparent feels valued and loved.

Not knowing any of your background with your MIL, so apologies but I do kind of see her point. I have 3 DS, and should I ever be lucky enough to be a grandmother I would love to look after any grandchildren. Should I be in an arrangement such of this I would feel pretty upset that because my DIL is having another baby that my time with grandchild would be taken away, it is from her POV only 2 days a month. Maybe she really bonds with him and really enjoys having him, I would feel pretty upset if I was her tbh.
But having said that obviously I don't know any background and this is just how I would feel.

She probably really enjoys the time with her grandchild and knows it wont be long before he goes to school etc... I'd let him still go.

Whats the point of one on one time?

I loved one on one time with dc2

Just me and him. Lazy newborn cuddles and snuggles with no toddler demanding food or attention.

I love my Dd to pieces but sometimes it's nice just me and Ds

If I was Mil, I'd feel hurt too. Children don't always spend a day with gran because Mum's at work. They spend the day with gran because she's their gran. She likely feels used and suddenly shut out. YABU, shortsighted, and unkind, but it's obvious that you can't see that.

I could never understand why people funded nursery care whilst on mat leave unless planning a very short break. Surely if you know when you plan to RTW you can go on a Waiting list to ensure they have the space available. Reducing to one day a week at nursery and one day a week with grandparents and an extra day with you would keep everyone happy an would be positive for your child. Why would you pay for care when a loving grandparent is happy to provide that care for free? This is a grandma who will be a significant part of your childs life until she dies, rather than some nursery workers who are not constant and will not see them when they start school.

When baby number 2 comes along I found it's an absolute godsend to have grandparents to look after your older child and give them one on one attention. You'll be wrapped up with the demands of a baby. It'll give your wee boy a break too.
My parents and in laws mostly had regular times for babysitting because it worked better for them. Even though they are retired they still have a busy life with all their activities. I know for a fact they would have cancelled said activities to look after their grandchildren.... but older folks like to know what they are doing week to week.....last minute can get them in a tizzy.
My mum was on her own and having grandchildren visit really kept her going.
The sarky comments don't help but she's maybe feeling a bit hurt.