Unreasonable to mother in law?

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Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

@Jacks11
I don't think OP is saying her MIL can't have her DS sometimes, just not being tied into the rigid routine of every other Thursday whilst she is on maternity leave.

I agree having a set in stone routine of having to take DS to both grandparents on specific days as well as nursery would be an unnecessary source of work for OP (I doubt she could continue this for one set of GP and not the other). This is a time where she is finding her feet with another child added in and also just enjoying spending time with her children. Once she's back at work, she'll not be able to do that so much. Why do DGM wishes come before OP's?

Exactly! Why can't anyone see that as a new mum she needs to find her feet and figure out what's best for her family? And spend time with her kids together rather than be tied down to a strict timetable which would mean extra work for her? If this is about spending time together as a family then MIL can come round and visit surely?

One vote for AdorableAnn having the least appropriate username on mumsnet.

@OP. MiL has kindly given you free child care. She's also your DH's mum. Doesn't sound as if you like her much, fair enough: mums can be hard work.

Personally, from having second child recently, I'd keep the routines as consistent possible. Completely your (and DH's) choice, but I'd try to accommodate MiL's needs if possible. What does DH think?

AIBU that I would keep Thursday dates with all gps if willing and just crack on with some boxsets?

If it was me, I'd keep the arrangements as they are (but let both gps know there will need to be some flexibility around the newborn). If you struggle to get out the door on the day, could you ask the gps to collect ds?

Also, rather than taking your son, could you arrange for you all to go somewhere for the day? I'm guessing once things settle down you'll want to go to museums, farms, soft play and perhaps it'll be a good opportunity for you to bond with mil too.

"Why do DGM wishes come before OP's?"

Well, they don't necessarily- but there is a child involved who has an opinion of his own.

Assuming the MIL is a nice "normal" sort of GM, then he probably likes going out with her for a treat. Most kids do. Even moreso when Mummy is tired and grumpy, and is cluster feeding a newborn.

The OP won't know until she gets there how much both her and her son may appreciate a willing GP to take him to the park to run around while she snoozes on the sofa with the newborn.

Just keep your options open. Really

I suppose starting a thread about least appropriate usernames would break a rule. Shame though! I am an adult heading home to the other side of the world for a two week holiday and very much looking forward to seeing my grandpa and taking my small son to his house. Ops mil sounds the type that her son could have this lovely attachment, except for the small problem of OP. Who doesn't care.

Presumably she won't be part of your future childcare then?

yanbu. tis not like she will not see him at all given that she sees him most sundays anyway.

She must love him or something huh? I think you're being mean - he's the son of her son and she had him when it suited you - let her enjoy him, they're not small for very long, I think you're being a bit mean tbh.

YANBU at the end of the day this is your maternity leave and your child and so you should have final say on how its spent and where your children are. Parents and inlaws should be supportive of this. Its not like she will never see your child or that this is going to be permanent. I think you just need to tell her firmly but kindly what your plans are. She may grumble because of the change but i dont think there will be any real problems as long as she gets to see the child occassionally.

I don't think you sound very nice, OP, but, notwithstanding, I don't think you are being unreasonable here as such. You will have a newborn and it won't be easy to be shipping your toddler into the car and driving him off to two GPs for a whole day, when you don't need to and don't want to. Your MIL should understand this.

That said, she isn't being totally unreasonable to want the current set up to continue. You just have to be kind in explaining to her that it is lovely of her, but not the best thing for you at the moment.

I see your point about not wanting to be tied into a set routine. But you need to think about the messages that MIL is getting from this.

What she will understandably be hearing is....

I don't want to be tied to a fixed routine. But I will do for nursery because his relationship with nursery is important. I won't do it for you because. His relationship with you isn't as important

I value nursery's input into his life so much that I want him to still go there. I don't value your input into his life that much

Because nursery is so important in his life, in fact irreplaceable, and because I completely understand that they have other demands so they can't guarantee that they will keep his place open for him if he isn't using it, I will continue to send him. However MIL I expect you to remove all other demands on your time and hold a place open for him whether I use it or not. And actually because you are not that important in his life, I will easily replace you if you don't

Those may not be the messages you intend to give to her, but whether you intend it or not they are coming over loud and clear to PPs and probably to your MIL. As such you are being (probably unintentionally) ungrateful for what your MIL does for you and not really valuing it.

I understand that you say she will still see him at weekends, but in saying that the message your MIL is likely to (understandably) hear is that you don't value the time and commitment she puts into providing childcare nor do you see the importance of her having, and maintaining, a one to one relationship with your DS.

Surely you can understand how such messages -intentional or not - would be rather hurtful? And how somebody who has been made to feel like the favour they are providing isn't valued, might be tempted to say "I'm not doing it any more then"?

I completely get that you want some time with your children. However I think you also need to be fair to your MIL. If you can be in a routine for nursery you can be in a routine for her. If you can acknowledge the importance of keeping your DS's routine/relationship with nursery, then acknowledge the importance of his routine/relationship with her. If you can understand that nursery would be reasonable not to hold that space free for him if he wasn't going, then be equally understanding about your MIL.

I think you need to try to work out some compromise here. Your MIL isn't a paid service that you can book when you want to and not when you don't. She's doing you a favour, and favours have to be reciprocal. Could you -for example - continue to pay for two days a week at nursery but on the week he goes to your MIL's only send him to nursery on one of those days? Or could you agree with MIL that instead of every fortnight, she could have him one day every three or four weeks?

I'd also say be careful about cutting down childcare options before you see what your new baby, and life with two children, is like. If you have an easy birth and a placid baby you may well find it easy to look after both at once. If you have a difficult birth or a baby who is up all night you may well be very glad to know that every Thursday you can drop DS at grandparents so you can sleep when your baby sleeps.

Gosh that was long. Sorry. I shouldn't try to think in the early hours!

Can I maybe offer some other suggestions?

For a chil, time spent with loving, caring extended family members is really important for emotional wellbeing and long term mental health. Soooo. How about either:

a) paying for nursery but not always using the place and keeping the Thursday arrangement in places. Seems a bit crazy I know but that way you have it with no waiting list.

b) discuss with your mil that you're actually concerned about the rigidity of the schedule and driving your ds around. And about missing out on his life. But you're also concerned about dropping the nursery place and losing it. Soooo. Perhaps she could come over to yours in a taxi instead? Take your ds to the park, make cakes and tea with your ds, that sort of thing. This way, you both get to spend the time with your ds.

c) if neither a nor b is a workable solution. How about allowing your mil to continue to have ds but having your parents over ever other week to do b?

You seem concerned about being fair and ensuring that your DP get the same contact as MIL which is lovely but increases DS's time away from you. Have you checked that your DP actually do want your DS every week? Or are you assuming it? Maybe they haven't kicked up a fuss because they're relieved at not being a free childcare service every week?

Things don't need to be the same to be fair.

Remember also that the Sunday visits are with you, not the same as her having special alone time with him on a Thursday when she can sing and dance and let rip!
Also, as your own parents are so understanding I'm sure you can explain the situation to them and they won't demand every other Tuesday as they will be more relaxed with you anyway so it's only twice a month - just be kind and let mamma and her dogs enjoy each other.

Think the OP should read and really take on deathstares comments

Dogs! Omg - awfultypo sorry - not dogs - DGS!

OP, I understand. I've not read the full post but I had a similar arrangement with my mum/MIL when I had dd and then when I went on mat leave with ds we stopped doing it every week and they just came on that particular day now and again to look after dd, or for part of the day only, or even on a different day, to suit all of us. We still saw them as much, it just wasnt 'fixed' - maybe just say to your MIL that you'll still see lots of her (it sounds like you do already!) but it just neednt be so fixed when you arent working.

For me, it just felt like it was better for everyone to be more flexible about the time. Thankfully my MIL wasnt pushy about maintaining it, but I would've felt exactly as you do if she had been (and knowing what she is like its fairly incredible that she wasnt!!)

Actually you know what - Deathstare is absolutely right - I have a big backstory with my MIL being unreliable and difficult which is why I was very glad to escape the arrangement once on maternity leave and could understand your point of view!

However, if your MIL is reliable and on the whole (!) a good MIL then the fact that she will be feeling all of those things that Deathstare points out should definitely be considered.... there is surely a compromise to be had by maintaining a regular arrangement with her, even if its for a shorter day; or less regular etc.

Hope you work something out that is good for everyone x

What's the plan after maternity leave? Will you be expecting your mum and MIL to go back to the every other week routine? Seems quite demanding if so, expecting them to fit in with you and what you need but not appreciating what they may get out of the arrangement too.

I'm 29w preg and saddens me that my mum and df mum are both dead. As well as his dad. Leaving just my dad as a gp and although quite sane :) I wouldn't leave bubs with him for a day as don't think he would cope

I would love to have a mil who takes an interest in my baby

Brilliant post, Deathscare

Well said DeathStare.

Nursery had its values of Course - but Nana LOVES him. Please be kind.

And frankly, I don't get this rubbish about GP needing alone time! I simply don't get it. What is it they do that they can't do in front of the mother? And y is it the kind of crap that always comes from MILs?

seriously??

I LOVED spending time with my grandparents as a child. There was no getting told off for every bloody thing all the time, there was any food I wanted, there was old strange stuff and peace and quiet. A child's relationship with their parents and grandparents is very different.