Unreasonable to mother in law?

[Newtothisshiz]

Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

I've got no surviving relatives so am bringing up four kids completely alone. What I wouldn't give to have what you've got in terms of help, support and child care.

Even if she's said something to try and guilt trip you (she shouldn't have) but surely it's forgiveable if she's just feeling disappointed right now

Why don't you see if she'd like him over for dinner on Thursdays? Then you could be bathing baby and getting them ready for bed.

I'd be flexible because if you may need mil good will later,and her & son enjoy themselves
You're returning to work in a year you may need mil help
Whilst mil shouldn't be making nippy comments,she's understandably feels excluded

But it's up you how you play thus,do consider long term picture.not just immediate mat leave year

Her comments to your DS are inappropriate. Your treatment of her (and your parents) is pretty dismissive though. You seem to think nursery is important enough to make some sacrifices to ensure he continues with that routine, but his grandparents' care is there only for your convenience and that they should be happy to get whatever you throw their way. That by itself could be pretty hurtful to many GPs. Even if your parents are OK with it, not discussing it with them and asking what suits them too is impolite at the very least.

Does sound a bit like you just don't like her, apart from the PA comment I don't see what she's done wrong. She doesn't want to be picked up and dropped as free childcare at your convenience.

It wouldn't be using my child as a weapon though would it if SHE refused to look after my child. That would be her decision. Final. Think about what you're saying yeah?

Your parents might be agreeing with you because they know what you are like and they don't want to lose the childcare competition.

Just a thought.

OP please ignore my post of 20.37 - I've just reread and realised that I totally misinterpreted what you said. I do apologise, and have reported my post for deletion.

Of course she's going to be upset. Those two days a month may be the highlight of her time. Can you imagine loving something and then having it taken away.....I actually think keeping the nursery hours but cutting the GP time is. A bit odd

Ok if I go my mumsnet advice, during my maternity leave I still need to hand my son over every Thursday morning to one or the other all because my Mil isn't very understanding. In addition I'll also take him to nursery to days per week. Thanks for the advice everyone.

I think Yabu. She enjoys it and it's only twice per month.

Why not drop a day of nursery instead?

Haha - when I had my second, my parents dropped all their help as I wasn't working and therefore didn't need childcare. I'd have quite liked them to carry on helping out here and there!

Can you reassure MIL that you'll arrange things ad hoc, things won't be set in stone but she will see her grandchildren.

Because it's been his routine for 15 months, he's gone to nursery for 2 days a week since then. I don't want to cut that time. He thrives there. I don't want to have to add him back to the waiting list in a few months time etc.

She probably feels a bit used fine to look after your son when you are working and not when you are not. Also the fact that you are keeping the nursery to keep his routine in place but not her I think has upset her and she has reacted (badly and PA but understandably)

Why not compromise and say that your parents and her can have on Thursday a month each to keep him used to the routine and that maybe she can start to have the baby the other Thursday a couple of months before you are due back to work so that they get used to it and your son has some one to one time. You have a great and willing resource in both sets of parents use them.

It sounds like this could either continue to be a mess of poor communication and could result in your children missing out or it could be a time to be grown up communicate well and set out the above. Also perhaps telling her 5 weeks before maternity leave was more a bolt out of the blue

Classic aibu

Op: aibu?

MN: Yabu

Op: no I'm not

"That would be her decision. Final. Think about what you're saying yeah?" I thought carefully about what I said, was polite and diplomatic. You, however have already made your mind up and are thus BU. Waste your money on nursery but don't expect anyone to pick up the slack once you decide they're allowed to.

Of course she'll see her grandchildren. I've never said that. As will my own retired parents.

I'm just not understanding the need to be in a strict arrangement with family over childcare when my children's mum is around to be eith them.

I don't see the problem, you want to spend time with both your children, they'll still see their grandparents every week on Sundays, and your son will still get to see his friends at nursery. Why does the OP need to grow up? Am I missing something?

I think it looks like you are preferring to use nursery over MIL. Tbh you sound like this too.

The reality is HE IS YOUR CHILD. .
Being a grandma is a privilege not a right. . Do what is best for your kids and yourself. That's not selfish. .
She brought her kids up how she chose. Now you are entitled to do the same. .

I really hope your MIL finds something else to do with her time and tells you where to go the next time you want free childcare. Yes, her PA comments are annoying but she feels hurt - and rightly so. You are a user.

Because family matters,grandparents have an established setup that works
I'd encourage you to work something mutually beneficial with GPs
Its a bit rough to just drop mil for a year,and then presumably resume existing routine

You're around seven days a week to have them but are choosing to pay somebody else to care for him two days a week so the argument that you are home on their days is silly.

Why bother posting if you believe you are always right and everyone else is wrong.

Stick to the 2 days in nursery, he will gain some much from his time there.
You want him at home so keep him at home with you.