Unreasonable to mother in law?

[Newtothisshiz]

Unreasonable to mother in law?

This has been bugging me for a week now. I am due to start maternity leave in 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old son who goes to nursery 2 days per week and 1 day a week he either goes to my mum and dad or my mother in law, they share that 1 other day between them, so basically have him twice a month for a whole Thursday it works out. Both sets of parents are retired.

Me and my partner are lucky to be able to keep my son in nursery, we didn't want to take him out whilst I was on maternity leave because it's a great nursery that he gains so much from and it's really good for him. So we've managed to afford for him to go two days still. I think that will be good for him and it will also give me a break with the new baby.

Now my mum and dad are aware that as I am on maternity leave that the Thursdays that my son goes to either them or my mother in law won't be set in stone as I'm not at work and there isn't a need for me to drop him off at either of their houses every single Thursday. But I've spoke to my mum just in passing and have said that of course there can be weeks where either can have him on the Thursday, but it won't be twice a month (each) like it is at the minute, otherwise I'll be shipping him off every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Plus I don't need to be tied to that arrangement whilst I'm not working for a year and they are family who will see us regularly anyway.

Mother in law made the assumption that she would still be having him every other Thursday, and I very politely just said that it probably won't be the same routine with the Thursdays as I will be off work for 12 months, but of course there will be times that her and my parents can have my son for a few hours or the day even during the week, plus we see them nearly every weekend for the majority of the Sunday. She was very taken a back. She has since mentioned it to my hubby and said she has got herself into a routine now and would prefer to stick to it. She doesn't bloody work, hasn't for years! So I don't see the bloody issue and impact. Now she's making comments such as 'nanna isn't going to have u for much longer' blah blah blah. There have been a few comments kike it. Quite irritating now and I think she's being unfair. Of course i won't need to have childcare every week when I'm not at work. My parents? Not a peep about it. Are the honest and upfront about their feelings, absolutely.

Is it me or does she need to drop it?

And frankly, I don't get this rubbish about GP needing alone time! I simply don't get it. What is it they do that they can't do in front of the mother? And y is it the kind of crap that always comes from MILs?

I think it's pretty simple, really. When the parents are around, they tend to be moderators of the relationship so it just doesn't flow as naturally and spontaneously as it would when the parents aren't around. I see this with my parents - if I'm there with the baby, everything goes through me. They are covertly checking that what they're doing or saying is acceptable to me. It's not because I have any problems with them, I don't, but I'm the final arbiter. I think it's better for them to have the space to establish an independent relationship that does not involve my input or supervision.

I'm on mat leave and had a similar situation to you re:childcare. My IL's piss me off for various reasons (total other thread) but they love DD and id never stop their time with her. As I'm on mat leave, they've presumed their not having her, fine by me, however, I'd strongly advise don't cut your nose off! Toddler and newborn are hard work and you may need that extra help for the first few weeks. Ask MIL and your parents wouldn't mind to make it a more casual arrangement and see how it goes rather than setting anything in stone.

It seems really unreasonable to be using his 2 days at nursery as a reason you want to keep him at home on a Thursday as you'll miss the precious time with him. Just don't send him to nursery and enjoy the extra cash but send him to alternate grandparents on a Thursday for a toddler break!

My DD (22 months older than her sibling) was withdrawn from childcare for 11 months or so while I was off on maternity leave with DS. She went back with no issues after the 11 months with her border in tow this time. I appreciate that I may have been lucky - but is this eorth considering? I enjoyed having them both at home and not having to rush out of the house in the mornings.

*brother

YABU.
She is family, not just a source of free childcare where you can dictate schedules.
You should treat her time with the DC with more respect - bringing up kids is a long journey and there will many times over the years when you will benefit from her help.

I think between them DeathStare and melj1213 have hit the nail on the head. I hope OP reads their posts and reconsiders how her actions could be (mis?)interpreted.

When is OPs time with her son? He's at nursery 2 days a week, 1 day with grandparents, plus Sunday with grandparents too. Saturdays will hopefully be time with dad so Op if she is lucky would get 2 days with her child. Children need time to bond with their primary carer too.
Yes the grandmother is important but I as a parent would want time with my children too. What will happen with baby number 2? Will Op be expected to give up time with that baby too to please the grandmother?
They need time to bond as a family of four. The grandmother has had her children and is not the mother. She should know that the nuclear family also needs time alone.
Before anyone starts I should add that my children's grandmother had them alone on holiday and even had my eldest overnight when he was 3 weeks old. They had a loving relationship until her death four years ago. She was the first person to hold my babies and she was a wonderful person but she always told me I was mum and she didn't want to step on my toes. Her backing off gave me the confidence to let the kids go as I wasn't worried that she wanted to take my boys away from me.
The grandmother in this case backing off for a time may get a better reaction and a better relationship with Op and the grandchildren as a result.

I've read ops post and messages afterwards. What she is saying and has said all along if you actually read the post, is that the grandmother, the queen of the land, the most important person here according to the majority of you (unbelievable) will still of course be allowed time with her grandchild. What op is saying is that she doesn't want to commit to a regular day EVERY week where she is expected to hand her son (and possibly the new baby?) to her mil and parents. I totally get that if she makes exceptions for her then the other retired grandparents (her own parents!!) would only naturally be questioning if they too can have a regular day, every week. I know I would as a grandparent. If one can have 'their day' then I would like to be offered that too, kind of a no brainier.

It seems the majority of mumsnetters are all for the happiness of the mother in law as opposed to the mother, which I find strange in this case as it's quite a simple situation if you read the post.

She has her Sundays, she has also been told by the sounds of it that she'll have other days, alone days, but yes that won't be every week while the mother is on maternity leave. Surely it's understandable for a mother to want to make the most of her maternity leave? Her son will get less attention from her sometimes because of the new baby and she'll want to compensate for that where possible, not go here you go grandparents you can give him better attention than I can. Why would she do that?

Op will no doubt find it tough at points with two kids under 3 to look after, but it's 1 year off that she gets to spend precious time with them. Time she'll never get back. Once it's gone, it's gone, unless she has other kids. Perhaps mil never had to send her kids to anyone and had the privilege of being a stay at home mum like most of the elder generation?

Op I totally get your point. Stick to your guns. You aren't being nasty, selfish or mean by saying 'hey mil, hey mum and dad, you know while I'm on maternity leave I don't need To hand ds over to you every Thursday as I'll be on maternity leave and I want to remain a bit more flexible during this time'.

Really don't understand the issue. If the mil doesn't woek, doesn't have any hobbies and used to cry and moan when her own husband was working because she was bored then I don't see how she could ever class herself as 'free childcare', if anything I would imagine she just enjoys the time she gets with her grandchild. Would the mil appreciate not being utilised at all and the kid go to nursery or the other grand parents instead of her? No I think that would break her heart, op has included her in her childcare routine for a while and has kept everyone happy.

As for nursery, no they can't offer the 'love and nurture' a grandparent or any family member could, but is that something you consider when sending your child to school? Or would you consider home schooling them with grand parents on board so they get the love and nurture? When I collect my child from nursery she has been on the laps of staff, being read to, sung to, bounced up and down. Nursery isn't a cold bad place you know!!

Some grandparents these days willingly give up their hard earned retirement so some of you parents can work and benefit from free child care. As parents, we know how bloody hard it is caring for little ones and as you get older it's even harder.

If a grandparent is willing and able to provide free childcare for you, then you owe them quite a lot. A bit of respect wouldn't go amiss and a bit of gratitude and consideration goes without saying.

I'm astonished at the attitudes some have these days. Talk about taking other people for granted. Yes a grandparent is retired but they've earned that retirement and yes they still have a life.

*walks away shaking head in disbelief.

Would the mil appreciate not being utilised at all and the kid go to nursery or the other grand parents instead of her? No I think that would break her heart, op has included her in her childcare routine for a while and has kept everyone happy.

And so why would it not break her heart now to be excluded for the sake of nursery?

The OP has said they want their DS to stay in a routine, but only in relation to his nursery place, and since she doesn't need the grandparents to look after DS anymore, she's just going to rescind the arrangement that has been in place.

There's a difference between needing to look after DS and wanting to - and just because the OP doesn't need them to take DS for that time anymore doesn't mean her MIL is going to stop wanting to spend time with her DGS, but they are getting the message (intentional or not) that their time with their DGS is only a priority if the OP needs childcare, and if they don't then the grandparents will have to suck it up and not have time with their DGS until needed.

Never turn down free help, especially from a granny :) enjoy that day to yourself. You'll have two kids soon so you should rest up and be glad you have a helpful mother in law who loves her grandchild.

skakes head in disbelief at your inability to read the op's post.

Are you taking to me Ohsotired123 ? I've read the post twice actually and I was just offering friendly advice because I'm a nanny and I think parents should make time for themselves. I appreciate her mother in law is having a tantrum but still it's one day every other week.. why fall out over that?

I think melj has managed to avoid reading the op's post and further messages. The op has said she would of course allow both parents time with the grandchild, have you missed that or are you unable to read what you for some reason don't want to hear? What she is saying is that she doesn't want to commit to EVERY week with a grandparent for the duration of her maternity leave, BUT of course they'll both have time with the grandkids? READ.

So its all one way then? You want free childcare and she obliges. She wants to see him regularly but you don't need her so she is being unreasonable. Give and take is a good maxim

It just gets tiring on mumsnet. So many posts at the minute where people haven't read what is said and love jumping to conclusions.

Is she worried about not seeing him or worried about messing up get routine for the rest of the week when she's suddenly asked randomly to do days? My mother would give be short shrift if I just assumed she was available for childcare at any time just because she doesn't work (that may not be what you meant OP, but it sounded like it).

I wouldn't piss her off too much - you may be desperate for a break once the baby is here. Unless you have a very easy baby who sleeps a lot during the day & very placid, easy going toddler two is hard work. Your toddler in particular might really enjoy some 1:1 adult time with grandparents (because toddlers do have to suddenly come second to newborns - which is a particular shock to a firstborn ime).

Ohsotired123 Weird comment it was you surely who didn't read the thread it's a day every other week (not every week as you wrote)! that's a quarter of the time the kid will be in nursery. Surely not that big of a deal. I don't see why the MiL is being terrible (apart from being a bit PA) she just doesn't want to be used for free childcare when convenient then dropped when not needed.

I think you should keep up the arrangement with MIL.

I know your little one will still see her, but she appreciates the routine, and knowing when the visits will be.

Your parents are happy for the visit days to be more ad hoc while you're on ML, and that's fine, too, if it suits them.

People are different - I know I like a plan, and worry I come across as controlling to those who like to be more spontaneous. Your MIL likes the routine; your parents are happy to be more flexible. It will be easier if you can accept that.

OP you just don't sound very nice and I think you are going to get a big shock when baby no.2 comes along. Hope the GM says no when you next ask for help.

Perhaps mil never had to send her kids to anyone and had the privilege of being a stay at home mum like most of the elder generation?

Sheesh!

And as well as sheesh, a lot of the older generation didn't have the privilege of any support from nurseries or grandparents. Never had to send their children to anyone? Never got the opportunity more like.
I realise this is off point. It just got up my nose.

So what your saying is, you actually really don't like your MIL, but you tolerate her when it suits you for free childcare. Now you don't need it, you want to put the knife in and put a stop to her time with your son, all two days a month of it. If I were here, I'd be very hurt and would think carefully about whether I was willing to be used again on a years time when you return to work. I wouldn't count on it if I were you, and would be enquiring with the nursery if they can accommodate them both for you.

I have an 18 month old and a 2 week old baby- it is really hard work- the toddler is really, really unsettled and very jealous of her younger sibling- is clingy and tearful and being very naughty etc. It's so sad to watch so having grandparents to help would be amazing- it would mean she would get some quality 1:1 time with them, and with me if they could watch the baby for a while. As it stands, I'm firefighting most of the time, going from one to the other to ensure they have the basics but no one is getting enough time and I feel so guilty for it

Take the help on offer OP, if not for your sake for your sons.

OP everyone does things differently. Some need more help than others and yes this year is special before you to back full time. Your mil sees your child once a week as it is which some, including myself would see as a lot. It's ok to have a different opinion. Maybe think about cutting down the nursery a bjt though to one day a week which might give you a bit more tjmeZ

HardofCleaning is right I think, it is the being used when convenient and then dropped that is annoying. I do a massive amount of childcare with my grandchildren and have since they were a few weeks old but when not needed e.g. DIL having family visit I am ignored. I absolutely understand that her family don't see them as much as I do as they live along way away but I am just ignored. They have lived with me when mother was ill, I have had them 2 or 3 nights a week for majority of the year, take them to music lessons and sports clubs after school and suddenly nothing. I wasn't even able to see them at Christmas and they got their presents a few days later but that wouldn't matter so much if I knew when I was going to see them but I am expected to just wait and see. That is what annoys people.

grannytomine

I can understand why your son's inlaws want to spend time with their gcs without the other set of gps there, who see them all the time. I think when the time comes I would possibly feel the same if I didn't get to see my gcs often. Who would want the painful reminder that you are not the preferred grandparent or the one, who knows them the best? However it seems really rude to not have you over for a drink and mince pie to open presents at Christmas.