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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel very let down by my sister

269 replies

SooSmith · 16/12/2016 00:17

Just a bit of background… I work in the NHS, and as part of my job I do 24/7 shifts from 6am until 8pm. I’m the manager of a small team who take it in turns to work over the holidays. It was my turn to have Christmas off this year, but my deputy has had to start her maternity leave early for medical reasons. There will be other staff there over Christmas, but either myself or my deputy must be in with them. I have been told by my boss that I have to work – as I am in charge I accept I have to suck it up.

However, I am a single parent with two children.. My sister has been coming to us for quite a few years now, and sharing Christmas with me. The kids adore her and I like her coming, although sometimes I think she grows a root out of her arse when it comes to helping in the kitchen.

I will be home at 5pm at the latest, and have told her what has happened. To be told that it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks. I wanted her to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work! She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

AIBU to feel very let down by my sister? Since the children’s father vanished about four years ago, I have asked her to help once when I had to go to work at short notice. I am completely in the shit about this!

OP posts:
Pallisers · 16/12/2016 00:22

well I'd be angry that she thinks it ok to come to you for christmas when you are providing it but won't step up when you need her. And not helping when you begged her to -- that is what family is for (along with providing a place for single sister to come for xmas).

Yes you should feel let down. She did let you down. Not sure what you can do though. Can you find anyone to mind your children? How stuck are you? Can you talk to your manager.

If she let me down like this, I would never invite her for xmas again.

DearMrDilkington · 16/12/2016 00:28

Don't invite her again.

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 16/12/2016 00:31

YANBU. I work in the NHS too and have to work Christmas day as well. Your sister has been happy to come to you in the past but it sounds like she has been very unsupportive when you have obviously needed it. If she doesn't help you in your time of need, that would be it for me. Is there anyone else who can watch the children or can you try and get it off?

Lucked · 16/12/2016 00:34

Oh god what are you going to do? Do you have any other relatives? She needs to step up!

Lucked · 16/12/2016 00:36

Any chance you can do an advisory position from home, do you need to be in?

HemanOrSheRa · 16/12/2016 00:36

Bloody hell. I'd be pissed off under the circumstances too. Have you actually told her the fix you will be in? Can she and her new boyfriend come to yours?

123MothergotafleA · 16/12/2016 00:46

So sorry to hear your story, God, she's a bit of a piece of work isn't she?
I really don't have a Scooby Do what can be done and your sister has ruined your relationship forever. That is the worst part I think.

CakeNinja · 16/12/2016 00:49

Oh people will say YABU, that you are being expectant and demanding, but under the circumstances, I think yanbu at all.
You're caught between a rock and a hard place. Your sister (although not the children's father, not responsible for them, doesn't 'owe' you babysitting etc), has the chance to really help you out and give your kids the lovely Christmas they could still have despite you not being there.
I am fortunate in many respects, mainly in having a large, supportive family, and they would be more than happy to facilitate this.
Have you spoken to her face to face and explained the predicament you're in?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 16/12/2016 00:50

Gah, fairweather sister. I would feel let down by this too.

Baylisiana · 16/12/2016 00:51

YANBU. It is not even as if you have asked her to alter her Xmas plans, she was coming to you anyway and is now proposing to alter them herself! Really poor from her. She definitely does realise the full situation?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/12/2016 00:55

That's really piss poor on her part. Do you have any friends who would step up? My dc would be delighted to have a friend for Xmas Day. Failing that it's throw yourself on your boss's mercy, resign, be ill or try to find someone at whatever expense to do childcare :(
But yes, it's a horrible awakening that your sister really doesn't have your back :(

WiltingTulip · 16/12/2016 00:59

You poor thing trying to find childcare for Christmas Day!

How old are your dcs?

What hours will you be working?

Have you approached your boss?

Absolutely not ideal but could they go to work with you? At the hospital I go to there are a few "waiting rooms" with books and puzzles etc and I've had to bring a couple of my dcs before (as a patient though).

awayinamazda · 16/12/2016 01:00

It doesn't help, but you mentioned the cost of childcare being a problem - I fear it's probably not even possible to buy childcare for xmas day :-(.
I think u need to call ur sis back and tell her she missed the point - u really need her help this year - sounds like she's used to being a bit pampered and letting others take all the responsibility, and didn't even think about what you might need.
It's hard, but I'd ask nicely rather than get angry - she's a lot more likely to see ur side and want to help.

Rustythedog · 16/12/2016 01:07

What did she say when you asked her if she could stay with your children on Christmas day?

I feel for you when you said that you begged and pleaded with her to stay. We are in a similar position ie no family or outside support but at least there are two of us.

On a practical level, do you know of a babysitter who could come to your house until you finish work? Someone/anyone who does not celebrate Christmas or who might be otherwise on their own? It is really bad form that your sister won't help and I am angry on your behalf. But being annoyed and angry won't solve the bigger problem of childcare. If it comes to it, can you ring an agency to see if they'd have anyone available for the day even it it means you will be working at a loss for that day? Who usually looks after your children from 5am ish? Any chance that person could do it for double pay?

EverySongbirdSays · 16/12/2016 01:16

How dreadful.

If one of my sisters, or even one of my friends rang me and said this, my immediate reaction would be

"But who will hav e the children, if you have to work, you won't find paid childcare, do you need help?"

Actually I think that it would just be assumed I would have them with a request before I even offered and rightly, as its Christmas.

She sounds quite immature, it's like a teenagers response.

Did you say "Well, there's no-one to have the children and I hoped you could?"

EverySongbirdSays · 16/12/2016 01:21

Any chance you can do an advisory position from home, do you need to be in?

I imagine this is about mandatory minimums over whether it meets legal standard. One Level 4 needs to present or some such.

EverySongbirdSays · 16/12/2016 01:23

Do you have ANY other extended family

Grandparents, Aunts, Godparents even

They mightn't be thrilled at 9 days notice but still

QueenLizIII · 16/12/2016 01:24

I can see both sides of it TBH. The children would be better spending Christmas with auntie rather than childcare on Christmas Day.

However does she come to you as she has been single for a while and no DC of her own? You say it your turn to have Chrsitmas off and she has been coming for years so presumably she has cared for your DC over Christmas a few times before?

if you childrens father was in the picture or you were in a serious relationship, would she even be invited at Christmas or would you want it just your DP and DC alone? You might just as much of a fair weather sister as she is.

Sprinklestar · 16/12/2016 01:34

To be honest, your work needs to find you childcare or you can't go in. Your sister has let you down but any employer, even the NHS, can't demand a single mum find childcare on Xmas Day.

AvaCrowder · 16/12/2016 01:51

Op I would have your dc on Christmas Day.

Bettyspants · 16/12/2016 01:54

Oh wow. NHS shift worker here too, but I have a supportive family. To clarify, she's been coming to yours for Christmas several years in a row? Same arrangement until last few days? And she's off with new bf as your not there to host...kids love her? Does she really understand how she's left you? I think you need to ring her calmly and go over the situation. If she's adamant she won't come and help you out I'd then point out she's been happy for you to host until you urgently need help and leaving you with no childcare on Christmas Day... I don't think I would ever get over that but I do tend to hold grudges. So then it's the ring around to close relatives , is the dad around? If that fails you need to speak to your line manager asap and explain what has happened. It's not as easy as the above poster said regarding the NHS arranging childcare but your left with no choice . Knowing you are a single mum and expecting you to cover xmas at such short notice is not a reasonable request even if you are a team leader are you dr or nursing? If so agency would be your managers next call

Bettyspants · 16/12/2016 01:57

Queenlizlll that's also a fair point for op to consider

MySantaQ1030 · 16/12/2016 02:11

Yanbu, she's pretty bad to let you down knowing as well you have no childcare. Especially since you've asked and pleaded.

summerainbow · 16/12/2016 02:37

Can you take you kids in with you?
Does your sister realise that you no child care?

OlennasWimple · 16/12/2016 02:39

Have you tried explicitly asking her to sit for you over Christmas? I know you shouldn't have to spell it out, but sometimes you do need to be clear rather than leave people to fill in the blanks themselves