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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel very let down by my sister

269 replies

SooSmith · 16/12/2016 00:17

Just a bit of background… I work in the NHS, and as part of my job I do 24/7 shifts from 6am until 8pm. I’m the manager of a small team who take it in turns to work over the holidays. It was my turn to have Christmas off this year, but my deputy has had to start her maternity leave early for medical reasons. There will be other staff there over Christmas, but either myself or my deputy must be in with them. I have been told by my boss that I have to work – as I am in charge I accept I have to suck it up.

However, I am a single parent with two children.. My sister has been coming to us for quite a few years now, and sharing Christmas with me. The kids adore her and I like her coming, although sometimes I think she grows a root out of her arse when it comes to helping in the kitchen.

I will be home at 5pm at the latest, and have told her what has happened. To be told that it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks. I wanted her to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work! She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

AIBU to feel very let down by my sister? Since the children’s father vanished about four years ago, I have asked her to help once when I had to go to work at short notice. I am completely in the shit about this!

OP posts:

Bobochic · 16/12/2016 03:49

This isn't your sister's problem though I can understand why it would be a great arrangement if she spent Christmas Day with your DC.

ErnesttheBavarian · 16/12/2016 04:27

Maybe she really doesn't get it? When told you had to work Christmas you said she replied " it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks." Maybe she genuinely thidoesn't get it.

I would try one more time. Directly ask her to be with your dc on Christmas till 5 and then she can go to the new man, or would you be ok with the man coming over? Maybe she's enjoy playing gracious aunty with an audience?

Try to sell it to her like that maybe, so she can show new man how amazing she is in saving the day.

But yang to be hurt and angry.

I'd have your dc for you to, but I suspect we're too far away to help.

Bobochic · 16/12/2016 08:18

It sounds as if your sister has been coming to you for Christmas for a few years to do you a favour anyway, and not leave you on your own. Whereas you seem to feel that you have been doing her a favour (hence thinking she should be helping out in the kitchen) by hosting her. Which is it?

awayinamazda · 16/12/2016 08:23

Bobochic 'this isn't you sisters problem though'
You're correct using a logic only approach, but tbh, if I had a fairly good friend in that position I'd help because they really needed help, not because it was my problem.
To benefit from someone's hospitality for years, then make other plans because they can't be there and need your help, is pretty poor surely, in anyone's book?

Bobochic · 16/12/2016 08:26

It's not at all clear that the sister has been the one receiving a favour all these years. TBH I have a sister who has form for twisting any kind of interaction as her bestowing flavours - and hence going on and on and on asking for more until people walk away in exhaustion and depleted compassion.

itsmine · 16/12/2016 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

listsandbudgets · 16/12/2016 08:41

OP I am spitting blood reading this. oddly enough my ds has just found herself in a similar situation... looks like Santa will find my nephew her on Christmas Eve.

she needs to step up. what does she think you are supposed to do?

AndShesGone · 16/12/2016 08:45

I don't think you have to 'suck up ' working when you were booked to be off. It's your boss who has to work or ask someone.

You can't work Christmas Day as a single parent with 9 days notice

happychristmasbum · 16/12/2016 08:46

If your deputy has to start their maternity leave early then there should be cover arranged.

You can't work Christmas Day as you were not booked to work and now have commitments that mean you cannot attend. Your manager will need to find someone else to do it and pay for the cover.

FurryLittleTwerp · 16/12/2016 08:59

Could you take the children in with you? I've had to do this on occasion (NHS worker).

Is there anyone at work you could split the shift & childcare with?

FurryLittleTwerp · 16/12/2016 09:00

I'm not sure you can be compelled to work - pressure is always put on staff like this, to avoid paying for a locum or agency staff.

3awesomestars · 16/12/2016 09:01

I agree your sister should help.

But, just tell your employer you cannot work, at short notice childcare is impossible and as you were off your sister has made alternative arrangements. Make it their problem not yours.

Bobochic · 16/12/2016 09:03

If I were the sister I wouldn't want to be treated as a free NHS prop.

HaveNoSocks · 16/12/2016 09:03

YANBU. Bloody hell she's happy to come and be waited on hand and foot but can't be arsed when you desperately need her! Have you got friends who would give your kids a lovely xmas till you can come get them at 5?

HaveNoSocks · 16/12/2016 09:04

Although I agree that your boss can't just force you to work at short notice. How on earth are you meant to find childcare?

HaveNoSocks · 16/12/2016 09:06

Bobochic are you serious? If the OP's sister was spending xmas as a favour why on earth is she suddenly withdrawing the favour when it's actually needed!

BarbarianMum · 16/12/2016 09:07

She's being totally shit, sorry. But not being able to find childcare at Christmas at short notice is a totally valid reason to tell your boss that they'll have to make other arrangements.

Bobochic · 16/12/2016 09:14

Because it's one favour too many. Honestly, I think the OP needs to get a grip here. Presumably her sister also has a job and a life. The OP seems to think her sister's life should revolve around hers. Not on!

BaggyCheeks · 16/12/2016 09:20

One favour too many? Until the OP was asked to work the sister was going to be at her house anyway, which her job and life didn't seem to get in the way of.

Sunnyfeet · 16/12/2016 09:25

Where on earth is someone expected to find child care on Christmas Day at such short notice?? I think you tell your boss you simply can't work, OP.

And as for your fair-weather sister: I assume she'd still be quite happy to come to you if you weren't working? I think her stance is dreadful.

Mondrian · 16/12/2016 09:26

Selfish sister, at least now you know.

BTW I can't get over 24/7 shifts, I thought it meant working 24 hrs over 7 days which is impossible so must be mistaken but then you say you work 14hr shifts so a bit confused as I don't understand NHS lingo.

QueenLizIII · 16/12/2016 09:28

The OP has worked Christmas before, they take turns, and her sister has been coming for years. So sister has done it before.....been childcare at Christmas. She has not been waited on hand and foot every Christmas.

I dont like the tone of the OPs post her sister is a lazy cow in the kitchen but she's good enough for free Christmas day child care?

Nice.

Crumbs1 · 16/12/2016 09:36

Tough answer but you chose to have kids and to do a job where working over the holidays is essential. Where is their father? Can he not have them for a day or two? What about grandparents?
Ask your sister outright if she'd do childcare and put lunch on but don't hold your breath.
Nearly two weeks is plenty of notice to change shifts - not sure what planet some people are on.

HughLauriesStubble · 16/12/2016 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenLizIII · 16/12/2016 09:42

For those of you who keep asking if she has asked sister to help...read the first post.

She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

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