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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel very let down by my sister

269 replies

SooSmith · 16/12/2016 00:17

Just a bit of background… I work in the NHS, and as part of my job I do 24/7 shifts from 6am until 8pm. I’m the manager of a small team who take it in turns to work over the holidays. It was my turn to have Christmas off this year, but my deputy has had to start her maternity leave early for medical reasons. There will be other staff there over Christmas, but either myself or my deputy must be in with them. I have been told by my boss that I have to work – as I am in charge I accept I have to suck it up.

However, I am a single parent with two children.. My sister has been coming to us for quite a few years now, and sharing Christmas with me. The kids adore her and I like her coming, although sometimes I think she grows a root out of her arse when it comes to helping in the kitchen.

I will be home at 5pm at the latest, and have told her what has happened. To be told that it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks. I wanted her to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work! She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

AIBU to feel very let down by my sister? Since the children’s father vanished about four years ago, I have asked her to help once when I had to go to work at short notice. I am completely in the shit about this!

OP posts:
timelytess · 16/12/2016 12:37

The sister does not have any responsibility at all to provide childcare for the OP's children over Christmas. How ridiculous to think she does.

OP, see your manager or make other childcare arrangements. But don't think that you have any right to direct your sister's time - she is a sibling, not an employee.

TheySayIamparanoid · 16/12/2016 12:44

If her boyfriend cancels and you can't get childcare, DON'T let her come to yours!
I really don't get these lazy people who just sit on their arses and don't even offer to help!

QueenLizIII · 16/12/2016 12:44

Only on mumsnet.....boss drops you in it at work = sister is a bitch.

MinesAGin · 16/12/2016 12:47

What's the betting her knob of a boyfriend has his own kids he won't be seeing.

QueenLizIII · 16/12/2016 12:48

What's the betting her knob of a boyfriend has his own kids he won't be seeing.

This has gone too far. Grow up. All of you.

Emmageddon · 16/12/2016 12:55

OP if you are in North Wales inbox me. I have an enhanced DBS, as does my DH (both registered nurses but luckily not on duty the 25th) and would willingly look after your children until you get home on Christmas Day.

Sunnyfeet · 16/12/2016 13:00

I agree that the sister doesn't have any responsibility to do Christmas Day childcare, but that aside, don't families usually help each other out?

FuckityShitBalls · 16/12/2016 13:06

It isn't worth the trouble you would get into at work if you went sick. Besides which, MN threads can be read by anyone, and it would be awful if this got identified! If you don't have friends who could help then you will need to go back to your manager and explain the situation. That's all you can do.

Theladyloriana · 16/12/2016 13:12

I'm going to throw in with the poster a few up - if you're in the south, pm me, I would happily take your kids for Xmas day. I'm enhanced dbs checked too.

WhisperingLoudly · 16/12/2016 13:20

Don't go sick. This is why your manager earns more than you: because problems like this are hers to resolve.

It's unreasonable to expect someone to find childcare on Christmas Day with nine days notice.

I'm so sorry that your sister has let you down. I have three and would be devestated if any of them let me and my DC down in such an appalling fashion.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 16/12/2016 13:26

Again dont go off sick. Tell your manager that you have exhausted all your childcare options and just cannot find any at such short notice.

diddl · 16/12/2016 13:29

I can see that it's disappointing for the sister to think that she's been invited for Christmas & then it turns into childcare.

Also for the Op feeling she has done much for her sister & now when she needs help there's no reciprocation.

I guess sister might see it as her having been company for Op so was doing Op the favour?

At least sister has been upfront & said no rather than yes with the intention of backing out.

That really would have been letting Op down.

itsmine · 16/12/2016 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

melsbelles · 16/12/2016 13:44

OP I am really sorry for your predicament, BUT please be very wary of all the " it's your managers problem" advice you are getting. In a big organisation like the NHS is it very unlikely that your contract does not require you to work, even on Xmas day with little notice. It may not be reasonable, it may not be widely used but it is highly likely to be a contractual requirement. Therefore IMO it is much more risky than phoning in sick. I am not advocating that either BTW, just pointing out that when people are saying phoning in sick is risky from a disciplinary point of view but refusing to fulfil your employment contract ( however unjust it may seem) is a slam dunk sacking offence. Was very senior manager in public sector til recently. HR was one of my areas, speaking from professional experience.Flowers

HesterBlue · 16/12/2016 13:45

Have you any friends you could ask? Or do you have phone numbers for the parents of any of your DC's school friends? I would text them all (as a group so people don't feel put on the spot) and explain the situation and see if any of them can have the DC's as a favour. My kids would love the chance to have a couple of their friends over for the day if any friend asked this of me!

Sunnyfeet · 16/12/2016 13:48

melsbelles makes a good point; however even if you are contractually obliged to work some Christmases, surely this would normally come with more than ten days notice?

estateagentfromhell · 16/12/2016 13:55

Agree that this is your manager's problem, not yours, and definitely not your sister's.

Instead of trying to pass the problem onto your sister, you should have bounced it back to where it belongs - with your manager.

I'm honestly quite shocked that you agreed to this in the first place OP, why didn't you just say no to such a staggeringly unreasonable request?

estateagentfromhell · 16/12/2016 13:57

In a big organisation like the NHS is it very unlikely that your contract does not require you to work, even on Xmas day with little notice.

Just because there are words to that effect in a contract, that doesn't mean the OP is bound by them. Contracts (especially between large organisations and individuals) have to be fair and reasonable - any tribunal would absolutely find in the OP's favour in this situation. Childcare for Xmas day with 9 days notice? No, just not reasonable in anybody's book.

Quintessing · 16/12/2016 13:59

Not sure why this is a sister problem.

This is a work problem, and I dont understand why you want talk to your manager.

RuggerHug · 16/12/2016 13:59

Anyone else think QueenLiz is the sister?Hmm

Quintessing · 16/12/2016 13:59

should be "why you WONT talk to your manager"

happychristmaspoobum · 16/12/2016 14:01

Agree with estateagent

If it were the case that NHS workers could be disciplined for not being available to work on their day off, none of them would ever be able to book a holiday would they?

christinarossetti · 16/12/2016 14:07

I can totally understand why you're upset about your sister's response, but if begging and pleading hasn't worked, it sounds like that door is closed at the moment.

I agree with taking this immediately to your manager. I assume that if you had other relatives to help, you'd just ask them, although it might be worth asking close friends if that would work within your relationships (including your children's needs).

Otherwise, the situation is that you're rota-ed to work on a day when there is no official childcare available. I would say that it would come under the same sort of provision as when organisations have to pay for taxis to transport staff to and from work if they are required to work on a day when there is no public transport.

Are you in a union? They will be able to advise you about the legal side of this. Although it's obviously less than ideal for your children to be with someone else on Xmas day.

The best solution is probably for them to get an agency worker of your grade in tbh.

Youremywifenow · 16/12/2016 14:08

Where is the maternity cover for your deputy who was down to work that day?
That's the issue here, maternity cover shouldn't have to be absorbed by existing staff and expecting you to find childcare on Christmas day at this short notice is not realistic.
I'd go back to your manager and ask why no cover has been arranged for the person who was down to work.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 16/12/2016 14:15

I suspect the OP has had more than 9 days notice and has (erronously) assumed sister will step up.

Happy to be wrong though. Smile