Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel very let down by my sister

269 replies

SooSmith · 16/12/2016 00:17

Just a bit of background… I work in the NHS, and as part of my job I do 24/7 shifts from 6am until 8pm. I’m the manager of a small team who take it in turns to work over the holidays. It was my turn to have Christmas off this year, but my deputy has had to start her maternity leave early for medical reasons. There will be other staff there over Christmas, but either myself or my deputy must be in with them. I have been told by my boss that I have to work – as I am in charge I accept I have to suck it up.

However, I am a single parent with two children.. My sister has been coming to us for quite a few years now, and sharing Christmas with me. The kids adore her and I like her coming, although sometimes I think she grows a root out of her arse when it comes to helping in the kitchen.

I will be home at 5pm at the latest, and have told her what has happened. To be told that it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks. I wanted her to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work! She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

AIBU to feel very let down by my sister? Since the children’s father vanished about four years ago, I have asked her to help once when I had to go to work at short notice. I am completely in the shit about this!

OP posts:
Therealloislane · 18/12/2016 08:43

Op do you know what exact hours you're working Christmas day?

CushionFiller · 18/12/2016 08:54

Nothing for it but to send out a mass email / facebook post to all their school friends and your family and friends asking for help.

WhisperingLoudly · 18/12/2016 09:04

mimi Has it actually been established that the Sis has provided childcare at Christmas in the past?

OP states that she's taken it in turns with her team to work Christmas and that her Ex left 4 years ago - can't see anything to suggest that the OP didn't last work Christmas when her ex was around.

Regardless I just can't imagine treating family this badly.

christinarossetti · 18/12/2016 09:12

OP's manager is the one who need to be finding a solution to this. Yes, OP can send a mass email to friends etc, but there no guarantee that anyone will be in a position to help, and it is her manager who needs to come up with a solution to this.

OpalTree · 18/12/2016 09:18

People have repeatedly asked if or assumed the sister has looked after the children on previous Christmas days when op was working throughout the thread, but the op has never responded. If the team take it in turns to work over the holidays and it was op's turn to have Christmas off this year, doesn't that suggest it was her turn recently to work?

pollymere · 18/12/2016 09:54

She does have the right to not spend Christmas with you and spend it with her bf however long they've been together. This may have been her plan for weeks but you assumed she'd be spending Christmas with you. Asking someone to stay from Christmas Eve until after Boxing Day is assumptive unless you had agreed it months ago. However, I know that if my brother needed me like that I'd drop all my plans for him. I'm not so sure he'd do the same for me though...I can see him saying that he'd love to help and then give me twenty reasons why he can't. Could she perhaps come very early on Christmas Day and just stay until you get back? Otherwise you are going to have to explain to your boss that you have two children and no one to look after them. That's what agency staff are for. Don't feel bad that it's your kids, it would be the same if you had an elderly mother.

mimishimmi · 18/12/2016 10:07

It has not been established. OP did not respond to the question of whether her sister provided care the other Christmases spent with them. What she did say was that it was her turn this year to have time off implying that she hasn't had time off work the past few years. I'm getting a massive sense of entitlement from her threads which leads me to think it's something she's expected of her sister in the past and just assumed would be the arrangement again this year. Sisters generally don't tell each other to get knotted and that the others kids are spoilt brats unless there has been a lot of advantage being taken in the past.

mumonahottinroof · 18/12/2016 10:11

OP, said she has only once ever asked sister for help before and didn't imply it was on Xmas day

That is what families are for, imo, but whenever these threads are on m'net, people pile in shouting about entitlement. I hope they never need help from their families.

pollymere · 18/12/2016 10:18

I realised a few things extra. You could have been due to travel (Barbados or not) and it's a huge expectation to ask you to work at short notice. I appreciate this does happen though and companies have ended up paying people their losses. I used to have a job like that. However, often people don't even mention theatre tickets, anniversaries or holidays to their managers who would've have accommodated them and found a way around it. You should not be indispensable, no one should. If you genuinely were rushed to hospital, they'd have to find a way around it. I also realized that if your deputy is on maternity leave they should have already found a maternity leave replacement, who perhaps might not mind working earlier. Who is covering the Deputy shifts at the moment? You need to have an honest chat with your manager. They were aware when you were promoted that you had two children. What do you do if your kids are sick? Your contract may dictate that you may need to work a change of hours at short notice but I imagine it may contain the word reasonable. It is not a reasonable change of hours to be asked to work Christmas Day when you have children at short notice. Hope you get it sorted.

thisgirlrides · 18/12/2016 11:26

Wow your sister really is a charmer Hmm and I would absolutely log a report of the conversation with your boss with HR and his boss.

I think the most sensible solution is to email your boss, his boss, HR and your union rep and clearly state the situation i.e. You were not due to work Christmas therefore haven't made childcare arrangements and cannot find cover at such short notice. That said, you are prepared to work but will either need to bring the children in be provided with suitable space for them to stay, or they sort childcare. If neither of those options are suitable, you will not be coming in to work.

DinosaursRoar · 18/12/2016 14:06

Re the 'sister having done childcare in the past' - the OP also mentions her parents, who live overseas. I'd assume in some years they'd be over for Christmas.

Hope you find a solution. I would be calling your parents and seeing if they would change plans and come over to you. even if they can't, they might call your sister and read her the riot act on your behalf My parents live overseas and aren't due to come here this Christmas (we're going to PILs, my DB is going to them for NYE), but if I called with a crisis like this, they'd be booking their travel before I'd hung up...

Halle71 · 18/12/2016 20:14

What thisgirlrides said.
I'm pretty sure that what your boss said to you would be frowned upon by HR, and if you left because of what he said you may have a case for constructive dismissal (don't quote me but I had to research this for myself after a work situation).
In normal circumstances I presume you have childcare covered so why does he think you are not fit for the job? A lot of people wouldn't be able to do this at 9 days notice for various reasons. The host of a big family Xmas lunch for example (no one else at mine could take over for example) And my dad is ill and it may be his last Christmas - I wouldn't miss this day for the world.

It's an unreasonable request that you have tried hard to make work but can't, and now your boss is bullying and threatening you. I say elevate and take your union rep with you.

And as for your sister....

Halle71 · 18/12/2016 20:15

To clarify, I obviously don't recommend leaving but HR will be wary about stuff like this.

Original poster
SooSmith · 18/12/2016 20:50

I've more or less decided I'm having Christmas off. My kids come first at this time of year and I'm not having them stuck in some room somewhere at work. Because of the environment I work in, they can't be there for safety reasons which is why I bollocked my colleague when I found she had been bringing hers into work.

I did send an email round to other mums but didn't get a reply or offer of help. Which led to my sister making the comment she did.

If the boss takes action against me the union is behind me.

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 18/12/2016 23:42

Good call soo. You've done everything you can to find childcare at short notice with no joy, so I can't see what else you can do.

I would be proactive about it. Put your situation in writing to your manager, their manager and HR and advise them you are not able to work, and that previous discussion with your boss didn't provide a solution.

Stress that you are willing to work, and have explored at short notice, all avenues for childcare and have none. You clearly cannot leave your children at home by themselves on as day. Also, that you were not originally rotated to work, and if you had been, you would have sorted your childcare out well in advance.

Best of luck. Hopefully, you'll be able to force their hand without it all escalating

drspouse · 19/12/2016 12:14

kikisparks

As she knew about this a week or more in advance, it probably wouldn't count as an emergency.

When our CM rang on Sunday night to say a close family member had been rushed to hospital so she couldn't take the DCs on Monday, that was an emergency. She normally takes them on Mondays so we had to sort something out for the following 3 or 4 Mondays while the family member recovered from a very serious illness, though, as those weren't emergencies.

However when our DS was himself rushed to hospital and was in for 3-4 days we shared the days ourselves as an emergency involving a dependent as it was very short notice.

drspouse · 19/12/2016 12:16

(PS it does sound like your union has your back and if you cite "not having been rostered to be on" and "line manager not arranging for maternity cover nor having any contingency plan for illness or emergency at your level" then you will be fine with saying "I am not coming in". I doubt you'd be fine with "being ill").

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 19/12/2016 20:25

HAS your sister ever had to look after them on Christmas Day though?

Seems you just assumed she would be happy to spend her Christmas day looking after your children.

The calling them little cunts thing was a bit much, but if you have hounded her repeatedly begging her to have your kids (knowing she is in a new relationship and hence might want to spend time with him) I can see her losing her temper in all honesty. (although she clearly went too far)

This was not your sisters problem to solve! Does she work? How much time has she off over Christmas herself?

But nvm, you have cut her off now and got your parents involved so everyone can be nice and pissed at her at Christmas due to a situation of your own making.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 19/12/2016 20:28

And actually if you needed her " to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work!" how many days did you expect her to have your children, if she needed to stay till after boxing day so you could go to work?

Aderyn2016 · 19/12/2016 20:34

She called them cunts. If peoplE are pissed at her, that is due to a situation of her own making.
Frankly if anyone spoke about my dc in those terms there'd be no coming back from that, sister or not!

RandomMess · 19/12/2016 20:38

I guess next year invite your parents over for Christmas & New Year and offer to work them so you can have the follow year off and so on.

What a nightmare I'd be so hurt too Sad

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 20:39

I think you also need to think as has been said, if this promotion is for you.

You can't take promotion and then only pick the bits you want to do tbf.

christinarossetti · 19/12/2016 22:31

That's really unfair on OP. What bits of her promotion doesn't she want to to do? Work Xmas day at short notice because her deputy's role hasn't been recruited to when she has no childcare?

That's hardly picking and choosing, is it? OP said in her first post that she was okay about working, but couldn't do it without childcare.

What on earth is she meant to do? Leave her children at home by themselves?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 22:36

That's really unfair on OP. What bits of her promotion doesn't she want to to do?

The OP herself says that she didn't consider this type of stuff when she took the promotion.

What if there is another short notice emergency?

It is tough and I get that. I have in the past had to turn down opportunities for this very reason as has my DH when he was a single parent.

Original poster
SooSmith · 19/12/2016 23:04

Nothing new to report, except that my manager has had himself signed off due to stress!! Very clever move indeed.

On the advice of the union rep I have emailed the manager above my manager, and HR.

OP posts: