DH works nights, asked for more help AIBU

[mummyof2est2009]

Hi there
DH works 12hr night shift. We have DD who's 7 and DS who is 2. Recently I have been struggling to get everything done especially in the evening i.e. Cooking dinner cleaning, bath and bedtime routines etc. By the time I've finished everything it's time for me to go to bed myself as DS gets up at 5am.

Asked DH if he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so he can help with the part of the day I find most difficult. It works out he would still be able to get 7.5 hours sleep. He agreed that would be fine.

So we try it out... he gets up says he's too tired and goes back to bed. I'm so cross at him.
AIBU??

No, but neither is he. It's the first time, it's going to take a bit of adjusting.

He could also do food preparation/ online shop to ease some of your load?
Does he do anything housework wise? If you are both working it is not crazy to think he could do chores / jobs too....?

Give him a bit of time to get used to it.

It's the equivalent of my DH asking me to go to bed shortly after I get in from work at 6pm, then get up at 4am. It'd take a while to get into the new routine.

Can he do the cleaning and other stuff that isn't time critical when he wakes up so you're not rushing in the evening?

Yanbu but neither is he. I take it you work days?

DS's bedtime could be manipulated to give you a bit of a later start? Can start with one less nap during the day, or removing naps altogether?

Is your husband with it enough to do the school run or baths in the morning when he returns from work?

He works 12 hour nights though. If he was working during the day, my guess would be he wouldn't be expected to help.

It must be hard if you work days and he works nights. What times are you both in and out of the house - where do you overlap?

He doesn't get home until 10am so misses the morning routine school runs etc too. On his days off he will do the dishes and run the hoover around which I'm happy with but it's the days he works I struggle with because he doesn't contribute in the home.
I work part time (usually 11am- 3pm) 4 days per week so obviously much less than he does. I'm not asking him to get up and do all the housework but if he could just do bathtime and put them to bed so I could get the housework done I think it would really help as I feel like I don't get any time to unwind before bed

I have tried cutting out naps but he gets quite naughty when he's tired and then I can't even cook dinner because I have to watch him constantly. He is a very active little one who does not ever sit still! Also on the days when I have cut out the naps he seems much more restless at night which I find strange

I take it your working too. I have worked 12hr shifts before its and it can take a lot out you. But nice little 30 mins to your self can make all the difference. I am a single parent and working full time. Kids are 1 and 5 and there is never enough hours in the day. Maybe if even if he could add a couple of little jobs into is day it would give you maybe a 30min breather. At the end of the day if you are both working it's only fair that work things out so you both get an even amount of free time, imo.

Sorry seen you just added some of that info

How long is the commute? I used to work 12 hour shifts with a good 45 mins commute either side. I used to sleep most of the remaining time as it was a physical job.

How tired is he when gets home? Is there stuff he can do before he goes to bed that would make your life a bit easier. I always find it easier to stay awake longer as opposed to getting up earlier.

Also with 12 hour shifts does he not have a few days off that things can be delayed until?

I have to say, a 12 hour night shift is brutal. I don't think either of you IBU at the moment but you sound like life is quite tough.

Could you cut the number of baths, or do them at a different time of day? Just do bread and cheese or cold meat for dinner?

Just how much house work is there that you need to do it every night?

What about doing more meal prep so you have stuff in the freezer for easy meals instead of cooking with a toddler?

He works 8 hours a day more, surely you don't still need to be cleaning at night if only working 4 hours a day just 4 days a week

"...so I could get the housework done."
Could you fund a cleaner?

His commute is literally 10 minutes. He works 3 on 3 off shifts. When he is off work he helps as much as I would expect him to but struggle when he's at work.

I'm not sure there's anything he can do in the mornings to help as such. Obviously it's the end of the day when the dishes need doing after dinner, toys need packing away so hoovering can be done. Bath and bedtime.
Especially on days when DD has an after school activity so we don't get home until late

Basicly he does 7.5 hours sleep, 12 hours paid work and then does what for the other 5.5 hours?

You do 4 hours paid work, 7.5 hours sleep and how many hours childcare and household jobs?

I've never worked night shifts so I can't imagine what it's like. But I get home between 5 and 6 and then have four to five hours before bed. I only get up an hour and a half before I go to work. But presumably, you're wanting him to get up three hours before going to work? I can see why he's not keen, tbh, I would not be happy if I had to get up at 4.30...

I would struggle. I've done 12hr shifts and most of my colleagues are the same, it's get home, eat and sleep, get up and come to work. Nights are draining especially long shifts

Yes I do only work the 4 hours but I have to leave the house at 8am to get DD to school get back home for 9 get myself ready for work, leave the house at 10 to drop DS at childminder, takes 30mins to get to work 30 mins home pick up DD from school DS from childminder and then get home. So although I'm only working for 4 hours I'm out of the house for much longer.
The hoovering really has to be done daily as we have a Labrador who seems to grow a new coat and shed it again daily

Unfortunately funds are short which is why I returned to work in the first place so couldn't afford a cleaner

Batch cooking on days off?
Hoovering... Cleaning etc, drop it down a bit or use a cleaner? It's three days max if he's doing that shift pattern then clean on his days off. Run the Hoover over the worst bits (5-10 mins) and leave the rest

If he helps on his days off I think you are asking a lot for him to do anything very substantial after a 12 hour shift.

Op I feel your pain. Evenings are the worst here too and I am dealing with it on my own too. I do dinner club runs and bedtime. I often end up leaving some of the kitchen tidying till morning. Not ideal.