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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH works nights, asked for more help AIBU

212 replies

mummyof2est2009 · 05/12/2016 19:20

Hi there
DH works 12hr night shift. We have DD who's 7 and DS who is 2. Recently I have been struggling to get everything done especially in the evening i.e. Cooking dinner cleaning, bath and bedtime routines etc. By the time I've finished everything it's time for me to go to bed myself as DS gets up at 5am.

Asked DH if he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so he can help with the part of the day I find most difficult. It works out he would still be able to get 7.5 hours sleep. He agreed that would be fine.

So we try it out... he gets up says he's too tired and goes back to bed. I'm so cross at him.
AIBU??

OP posts:
oreosareyum · 05/12/2016 22:14

No it is easy. It's bathing a toddler. Not the seventy seventh hunger games

dataandspot · 05/12/2016 22:19

Oreo

I have reported your post. No need to be incredibly nasty.

Original poster
mummyof2est2009 · 05/12/2016 22:19

I have been offered great advice and I think a lot of people mentioning batch cooking that makes sense. It means everyone gets a home cooked healthy meal but takes off the pressure of trying to squeeze in cooking one every day! Thank you!

OP posts:
mushroomsontoast · 05/12/2016 22:19

The thing is, something has to give and it sounds like your DH getting up earlier when he is on night shifts is not the solution. So you find another solution.

Since I started working full time my DC have given up most after school activities, they only.get bathed twice a week, they have school dinners and then simple evening meals, and my house is a lot less tidy! But we manage.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 22:20

It's possible to sleep train toddlers - takes a bit of work but is doable.

One other thing - are you the type who is constantly doing something? If so you might just want to stop doing certain things and just take a breather every now and again. If kids are watching TV put your feet up in the kitchen with a cuppa. It won't kill anyone if you have quick and easy food like beans on toast or chicken nuggets etc once or twice a week. Use tinned and frozen veg as easier to cook. Basically make your life a bit easier.

If after all that you still need help then it's prob the time to get dh to review his hours

RougeSeas · 05/12/2016 22:21

I think ya both u

He works 3 x 12 hour shifts a week.
On these days you are working for 4 hours and then taking care of the children / housework. You need to simplify these days to make them work... For example..

  • Bathe the little one on one of those days
  • send him with a hefty lunch / big one has school dinner..then dinner time consists of something quick. Pasta based / sausages +mash / beans on toast / picnic..
  • Swimming night.. Dd has quick wash in the showers at the pool, the next morning plait her hair or tie it up..that night then becomes bathe night
  • get the dog groomed regularly or learn to be a little less worried about it. You really do not need to hoover every night

Life sucks, being an adult really fucking sucks.. But you are both EQUALLY providing for your families. You need to make sacrifices, he misses out on seeing his dd whilst he is at work.

If it's that bad that a few simple changes can't make life tolerable then he needs to work days...

Bunnyfuller · 05/12/2016 22:22

Drop the number of baths, they're not digging roads....

A bit more organisation and you'll breeze it - an hour for you to get ready after dropping kids off - what luxury world is this?!

RougeSeas · 05/12/2016 22:23

oreo if you're going to be a twat..atleast make a literate contribution.

crashdoll · 05/12/2016 22:24

I'm usually on the side of the over worked woman on these threads but I think you are being unreasonable. I understand why but I still think you are.

Batch cooking is the way forward. He can help when he's not at work too with this or he takes the kids out, so you can get on with cooking. Or you swap, one weekend he batch cooks and the other weekend, you do it. I agree that getting stressed over the little things won't help. Life doesn't have to be perfect. I did read the thread but can't remember now, can DD wear a swimming hat? Saves on washing hair.

RougeSeas · 05/12/2016 22:24

bunnyfuller so true... I get up 2 hours before we need to leave the house..an hour to get myself ready before the kids get up and an hour to get them out looking half decent!

oreosareyum · 05/12/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

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user1471439240 · 05/12/2016 22:26

He must fight for an earlier start. The body finds sleep easier in darkness, the industry norm would be 6-6, that way sleep can be achieved easier for 2/3rds of the year.
10-10 means he is trying to sleep in daylight 12 months of the year, its is inhumane, his melatonin levels must be shot.
Seek representation on this, a Pharma company should know better!

Original poster
mummyof2est2009 · 05/12/2016 22:28

Milking in tax credits Angry we don't get a penny from tax credits or anywhere else!

OP posts:
oreosareyum · 05/12/2016 22:29

Oh fair enough you just happen to work 16 hours a week

Original poster
mummyof2est2009 · 05/12/2016 22:30

Yes to minimise cost of paying for childcare for 2 children so work any school hours I can get

OP posts:
crashdoll · 05/12/2016 22:30

Ignore oreo OP. You don't deserve abuse.

oreosareyum · 05/12/2016 22:31

You still only work four more hours in a week than he does in a night, he is working a 48 hour week and you still demand more.

DeleteOrDecay · 05/12/2016 22:31

Op ignore the goady fucker.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 22:31

Oreo you do realise OP's dh works right? He prob earns a lot of money on nights too. If I were to make an assumption it'd be that they don't qualify for benefits not that they do Hmm

TinselTwins · 05/12/2016 22:32

I still don't understand why a 2 and a 7 yr old is a two person job to get to bed?

I have 2 kids, from that age they are brushing their own teeth with just promting from me, I run a bath, they get in, I drink tea!
They spash about, I finish my tea, I tell them to pull the pug out, then they get out.

Big un dries and dresses self, little one has a bit of help, 1 story, leave the to it with their own books, drink more tea & go on MN, go back in about 30 mins to warn about lights off soon, check back in on MN, go back and put lights off…

.. pour another tea and browse netflix awaiting inevitable "can I just have one more drink of water/cuddle" - buffer that, watch netflix, go to sleep

It shouldn't be hard.

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/12/2016 22:32

Oreo - tax credits are based on family income not individual .

timeforabrewnow · 05/12/2016 22:32

I haven't read the whole thread, but YABU

Get on with it and maybe don't be so tidy. I say this as someone who works full time, has 3 children and whose husband works away from home most weeks,

And no, we don't have a cleaner - although the idea is tempting, it is not affordable at present.

RougeSeas · 05/12/2016 22:32

12 x 3 = 36

Original poster
mummyof2est2009 · 05/12/2016 22:32

Not quite sure what benefits has to do with my thread at all TBH

OP posts:
DailyMaui · 05/12/2016 22:33

I used to work 12 1/2 hour night shifts and they started at 2100 until 0930. They were BRUTAL. You never sleep as well as you should - your body doesn't behave as it would during the night so your sleep is more disturbed. I was always exhausted when I did them and they really affected my mood. I have two children and I basically did the absolute bare minimum when I was on shift. The main topic of conversation with my co workers were how much sleep we had got, the quality of sleep, what we had brought in to eat... but sleep was the main thing! You basically focus on eating, working and sleeping. If you have a run of nights and you have a bad day's sleep it devastates you. I work days now with the odd night for when there are major events taking place. And the nights still kill me. Unless you have done them you really have no idea how debilitating they can be. It is so, so far removed from doing a day shift. And nothing like finishing at midnight. I'm actually feeling a bit anxious now thinking of them and the extra stress they put me under. Google the effects of night shifts on health... it's not made up.

I used to be really, really happy if I somehow got about six hours a night. Usually it was less because although I'd be IN bed for around 7 - 8 hours, I'd have woken up at least three times, gone to the toilet once, tossed and turned for a couple of hours total... Most times I had to take some night nurse or benylin to make sure I got over the 5 hour mark. If my husband suggested I got up earlier and did some hoovering I would have been seriously unimpressed. I caught up with housework when I was off, because I sure as fuck wasn't making my nightshift life even more miserable than it already was.

Lower your standards, bath less. Accept that when he does nights he'll be good for nothing but work and sleep. Do more when off... that's what worked for my own family. Buy an instant pot - I batch freeze all ingredients for the whole week and put into separate bags, put everything in the pot in the morning, then we have great food when we are ready in the evening. If I forget I can do a risotto in the Instant Pot in 6 minutes. Because we both work full time and I do all sorts of unreliable hours, everything is planned and organised to the nth degree. I only ever do basic tidying during the week and dream of a cleaner. But we muddle through. The house will never be immaculate. But everyone is happy.

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