DH works nights, asked for more help AIBU

[mummyof2est2009]

Hi there
DH works 12hr night shift. We have DD who's 7 and DS who is 2. Recently I have been struggling to get everything done especially in the evening i.e. Cooking dinner cleaning, bath and bedtime routines etc. By the time I've finished everything it's time for me to go to bed myself as DS gets up at 5am.

Asked DH if he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so he can help with the part of the day I find most difficult. It works out he would still be able to get 7.5 hours sleep. He agreed that would be fine.

So we try it out... he gets up says he's too tired and goes back to bed. I'm so cross at him.
AIBU??

If he contributes on his days off then I think YABU to want him to do more on the days when he's doing 12 hour night shifts.

12 hour shifts are bad enough during the day, but even worse during the night. It messes with people's body clocks and they don't have regular sleep patterns. I did shifts like that for a few months many years ago and it was much harder and more exhausting than doing equivalent hours during the day.

If thats the case, its 3 on, 4 off, not 3 on, 3 off. I think its relevant for how much its reasonable to do when he's off.

Just do what you can and don't feel like you have to tidy up too. He can sort that when he gets up no need for him to adjust sleeping times.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday in (3)
Wednesday Thursday Friday off (3)
Definitely 3 on 3 off

Sorry I meant
Thursday Friday Saturday off (3)

I would give the new routine time- especially if he's agreed to it he must have good intentions.

Ease him into it over the next couple of weeks and then reassess whether he's stuck to his end of the deal

Three on three off is horrible. That would ruin me really very quickly. Little time to recover and then back straight onto nights. That's a relentless nights pattern. Its not even vaguely comparible to a 12 hour day shift as when you are off you are actually off - you're not trying to recover and get your body clock back. But it sounds like it may be three on 4 off (although hopefully we've established that some of those days aren't actually "off")

So he works Mon, Tues and Wed night - forget him and housework for the Tuesday and Wednesday - he could do stuff Monday morning but he really needs to get some decent sleep before his shift.

If he's worked Wednesday night then Thursday isn't "off" - he's sleeping as he's just worked 12 hours! I used to sleep for about 4 hours on the end day but I would feel like shit and play with kids in the evening rather than clean or cook. Then he's off until Sunday night? That means Sunday isn't "off" either as he's got to sleep for that night shift. So in that particular week he's able to help Mon morning, Friday & Saturday and then Sun morning. Give up on him doing more during his run of nights - it's really not acceptable given the hours you are doing in comparison. My husband actually didn't expect anything of me during mine.

I used to do Tues, Wed, Thurs then back in on Sunday and Monday. In reality, the only day I was able to do anything apart from the bare minimum during that time was Saturday. Friday was pretty much an exhausted write off and the Tuesday and Sunday were family time and trying to sleep. Again, unless you have done 12 hour nightshifts you have no idea how utterly exhausting they can be.

I think I see where you are getting 3 on 4 off from but I count it as nights so 3 nights in 3 nights off

Yes I realise that maybe changing his sleeping pattern is not an option but we have spoken today and we are going to do more preparation on his days off

I don't get it! He works Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Then doesn't work Thursday Friday or Saturday nights. What about Sunday night?

Back in Sunday Monday tues
Off Wednesday Thursday Friday
Back in Saturday Sunday Monday
And so on...

Oh I see! So it is irregular.

Op shift work is definitely tough for the whole family. I work shifts, 2 weeks days then one week of nights. Days are 7.30am-8.30pm and nights are 8pm-8am. Days are actually worse in terms of family life because I really don't see the children at all, They are in bed when I leave and again when I get home. Nights are better because I get home shortly after 8 to let dh away and then take the children to school. If not working the next night, I sleep until 1pm and then do school runs, homeworks, dinner etc.

If working the next night, I try and sleep on longer, ideally until 4pm or so.
i am a terrible day sleeper. This morning I climbed into bed at 9.15am and woke up bolt upright at 9.45am thinking I had slept in for school run

I woke about 4 times before getting up at 1pm

It sucks, I feel like I have brain fog most of the time, but what can you do?

I imagine your dh will take time to manage to get to sleep that bit earlier and in the meantime will still need to sleep on late but perhaps he will readjust over time.