DH works nights, asked for more help AIBU

[mummyof2est2009]

Hi there
DH works 12hr night shift. We have DD who's 7 and DS who is 2. Recently I have been struggling to get everything done especially in the evening i.e. Cooking dinner cleaning, bath and bedtime routines etc. By the time I've finished everything it's time for me to go to bed myself as DS gets up at 5am.

Asked DH if he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so he can help with the part of the day I find most difficult. It works out he would still be able to get 7.5 hours sleep. He agreed that would be fine.

So we try it out... he gets up says he's too tired and goes back to bed. I'm so cross at him.
AIBU??

As others have said 12 hour nightshifts must be brutal. I have to start doing them soon and am dreading them, although I hopefully won't have to do more than 2 together. If he helps with childcare and household jobs on his days off then I think on the days he's working you need to let thm get as much sleep as he needs. Just makes things as simple as possible, kids dn't necessarily need bathing everyday, keep meals simple or batch cook and put simple meals in the freezer for when he is on his working days.

DS goes to bed at 7 as he's shattered by then. I tried moving his bedtime later but he still gets up at the same time ever since the clocks changed it's like he's programmed to get up at that time no matter what!
DD goes to bed when she's tired sometimes she'll go up before DS and read for a bit if she's really tired or sometimes anywhere up until 8pm

When my DH was doing 12 hour night shifts he still helped out with our 5DC,he was brilliant and if it had been the other way round and I was working nights I would have helped out.
You have no idea how your body with physically react to nights until you do it
It's a physical reaction, it's not something you can decide to be good at or not good at

I managed to do it when I worked lates,I'd get home and get lots done
NOT comparable, not even a little bit, even "twilights" that finish at midnight or 2am are not comparable to nights. You know nothing john snow

YABU. Can you move some of the night jobs to the morning? You say your DS wakes you up at 5 but you don't leave the house for school until 8am. Can't you vacuum and prep dinner then in order to make the evenings easier?

You could always put the alarm on at 3am, and get things done nice and early before the children wake up. Do the tidying, washing up, get ahead for dinner?

Because that's what you want him to do...

Whoever made the point about 12 hour day shifts has it spot on. I just did two back to back 14 hour day shifts and I literally did nothing at home apart from speak to my children and dh, lay on the sofa for an hour and sleep.

Expectations of night workers are often very different to if you worked the same hours in the day. I understand why, but it's not very reasonable. Nights leave you feeling so awful, even if you can sleep it's not refreshing in the way thAt sleeping at night is.

It's a bit like saying how you'ld react to flu if you've never had flu

and yes SOME people shake a flu off quite quickly, doesn't mean the ones who are run down for a long time afterwards are deciding to not pull their weights.

Nights do physical things to your body. You don't know until you've done them, and you aren't being lazy if you can't be one of those people who can do stuff in between nights.

I'm not asking him to sleep less than usual just sleep earlier and get up earlier

I'm not asking him to sleep less than usual just sleep earlier and get up earlier

Cause it's that easy to day-sleep on demand when you do nights

Just flick a switch and your body is on a convenient night shift sleep cycle??

what time does he normally go to bed?

I could almost write your post OP. My DH does a 12 hour night shift with a 4 on - 4 off pattern. It's a killer. I work full time. We make it work. I think the key here though, is understanding. Sometimes it is an easy shift to make, from daytime sleeping to night time sleeping, other times it doesn't work too well and my DH just ends up sleeping and playing catch-up. You have to be considerate of that.

Fortunately for me, my DH finishes at 7am, so does the school run, however, by the time he gets home at 7:30, the kids are dressed and ready for school. He settles our DS for his morning nap and walks the dog while taking the kids to school. Then comes home, has half an hour wind down time, then goes to bed. He then sleeps till around the time I put the kids to bed.

I don't expect my DH to sort out the kids or do anything particularly (or potentially) stressful on his working days. This means that apart from the school run, I sort them out. I do expect him to walk the dog, and unload, load and turn on the dishwasher before he goes to bed. This means I can cook when I get home. However, this is the maximum I expect on his working days. It seems that popular opinion is that my DH perhaps does too much, however, I also work full time (teacher) and can not clean up after 3 other people on my own. To be fair though, he has gone to work today without touching the kitchen as he has struggled swapping this time - so I am going to have to do it.

Additionally, how much extra work is your DD bathtime? My 5 year old is really good at running her own bath, getting in, bathing herself and attempting to shampoo her hair (I always rinse it out but her hair is very fine). She then gets out and gets ready for bed. It only takes 2 minutes of my time. She does that while I sort out DS bedtime clothes or sort out clothes for the next day.

I also agree with the other posters that have suggested you lower your standards a little. Would be great if you could hoover every day, but would it really matter if you skipped the middle day of his 3 shifts? This would give you breathing room.

He did go to sleep earlier but because he didn't HAVE to get up to go to work he didn't get up

I've done 12 hour night shifts and they are exhausting. You really don't have time for much apart from work. If he only has 3 on 3 off then he could do more on his days off and plan for the days he's working so it's easier for you. Do shopping for the family, cook and freeze some meals etc. Do baths every other night with the kids. The hoovering housework can wait a day or two. I only hoover once a week and just sweep kitchen floor quickly and give it a wipe in between times. My DH works 12 hour days so rarely makes it home for bed and bath etc.

What industry is he in? 10-10 nights are a bizarre hour. Without doubt the worst possible re circadian rhythms.
I'd be worried about a persons wellbeing working these hours.
Is there a 12hr dayshift? Are they happy with 10am till 10pm, its such a waste of the day.
It is crazy to work so much into the next day.
Why not 6-6 to at least achieve some sort of sleep?

It's always tough when the kids are small. Both parents are always tired and never seem to get enough sleep. Ease up on housework. Just do the basics and catch up at weekends.
When you get home from school pick up, prep for evening meal, give the kids a snack, and let them play while you sit down for 30 minutes. The world won't stop turning because you stop racing around like a whirling dervish.
It will get better as the DC get older.

It's a pharmaceutical company. He has put forward to the bosses that some of the members of staff would be interested in doing 8-8 and this is not impossible because the warehouse staff do these hours so I'm not sure why the whole plant aren't on these hours

YABsoU

It would be actively cruel to make him get up earlier just to put children to bed, and then go and work a TWELVE HOUR night shift. I hesitate to call you abusive, but it's either that or you don't understand what you are asking for.

Your son gets up at 5 - for you to get your 7.5 hours, you need to go to bed at half past nine. SO why don't you go to bed at seven with the children, and get up at half past two? You could get LOADS done. You would still have the same sleep, just earlier, and you would STILL be less exhausted than the man you are complaining about.

I did nightshifts for a year or so in my 20's.

Never again. I felt sick and cold quite a lot of the time.

I saw some research recently that suggested that some people never adjust to it.
I know it is a risk factor for things like heart attacks.

Can't DH just take in some microwave meals? Then you and the kids just have things like beans on toast, pasta and pesto etc on his work days.

Does DD really have to go swimming twice a week? Could you change her swimming lesson to a weekend?

He has been doing nights for quite a long time I would say approximately 5 years and said he is used to it by now

The only other day they do swimming lessons for her stage is on a Saturday and intend to work Saturdays the other day she goes swimming is with school and they don't even allow them to take shampoo or anything to wash with
Although it will be going back down to once a week in a couple of months when the school lessons stop

I think TheOnlyColditz has the solution...

Not an easy one, 12 hour night shifts are a killer as body sync is messed up

I have done it and all I wanted to do was sleep.

Prioritise what actually needs doing and go from there

Are you going to engage with the solution I put forward about you going to bed and getting up two and a half hours earlier?

I think it's difficult for you both. Ideally a cleaner would help but it seems you can't afford it. I think YAB a bit U to expect him to get up and help on the days he works when you only work for four hours a day.

OP you have been offered some great advice here but it seems that you are determined to be hard done by! You have 2 children , neither of them babies , you work part time yet you expect your DH who is doing who-knows - what to his body with 12 hour shifts to help with putting children to bed ! As others have said , lower standards and reorganise . YABVU