DH works nights, asked for more help AIBU

[mummyof2est2009]

Hi there
DH works 12hr night shift. We have DD who's 7 and DS who is 2. Recently I have been struggling to get everything done especially in the evening i.e. Cooking dinner cleaning, bath and bedtime routines etc. By the time I've finished everything it's time for me to go to bed myself as DS gets up at 5am.

Asked DH if he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so he can help with the part of the day I find most difficult. It works out he would still be able to get 7.5 hours sleep. He agreed that would be fine.

So we try it out... he gets up says he's too tired and goes back to bed. I'm so cross at him.
AIBU??

When I worked 12 hour night shifts I found them utterly brutal. I felt physically ill. I really would let him sleep as much as he needs and when he wants to.

As he works 3 on 3 off, I'd simplify the two evenings when he is between night shifts.
No bath for 2 year old
7 year old can have a quick shower if she needs a wash, I didn't wash every day at that age, surely she would be OK with a flannel at the sink to wash armpits etc?
Snacky or sandwich type of supper, or something in microwave eg baked potatoes, minimises washing up as no pans etc, also you won't need to be cooking if 2 year old is naughty so could skip nap
Don't hoover those nights
7 year old can help tidy toys,otherwise just brush them out of paths until next day
Avoid doing after school activities those evenings

It sounds exhausting and I'd make life as easy as possible those days

If I were you I would try to cut down the load and lower your expectations on the days he works. So, for example, kids don't need a bath every night. Sometimes beans on toast or boiled egg is a perfectly adequate dinner. Then on the days he isn't working he can help out and you can get more stuff done.

I'm a single parent working full time so I've got used to cutting corners, when you don't have time it's the only way!

YABU, have you ever done nights? What time are you asking him to get up? 3pm is like asking you to get up at 3am except even worse because sleeping at night is more natural (and so more refreshing) than sleeping at day

You work 4 hours.. during DAYLIGHT hours! YABsoooU

When I worked nights I would get in early enough to do the morning school run. Sleep until after school run once I had a something to eat until 4pm then would do homework or reading with the children, or be eyes on them so DH could cook, eat quickly and then leave for work again. Was too tired for much else.

No I have never done nights and I know it's hard to keep switching your sleeping pattern but I'm not asking him to get up at 3. I asked around 6.30 just to help with bath and bedtimes

What does he do? does it require any degree of being safe? (most night jobs do), if so, don't you think starting a 12 hour NIGHT shift already tired from a load of housework is a terrible thing to ask someone

If someone was gonna do a 12 hour DAY shift you wouldn't expect them to get up in a middle of the night to do a few hours housework before they head off in the morning for a grueling 12 hour shift

Night working is not like day working, its many many many times more draining

I actually feel ill just remembering how awful I felt doing 12 hour night shifts

I would come home and eat loads, sleep, wake up, eat loads, go back to work and still feel shattered all night

Perhaps your dh is made of stronger stuff than me though!

I think YABU, sorry.
I think that on a day working 12 hour night shifts it is all you can do to function sometimes. I would expect him to pick up after himself on those 3 days but no more.
However I would expect him to pull his weight on 3 days off, and make sure you got s break from bath times then. Also, he could batch cook meals during those days, and make sandwiches for work/school lunches for you all for the next three days. Sandwiches can be frozen, and put in fridge the night before needed. Basically he should be using a decent portion of his 3 days off to ensure his 3 days on run smoothly, and making sure you get some downtime.

I think the timing of his shifts does make it more awkward. If he started earlier he would be up when the kids are still up.

The other thing is that when he is at work he doesn't see DD at all as she's at school by the time he comes home and she is in bed by the time he gets up and she is jealous that DS does get to see daddy in the mornings

Of course YANBU to ask for more help if you need more help. Maybe your DH isn't able to help you himself, but he should definitely play a part in coming up with a solution. He can't just brush off your concerns, because he thinks he works harder or has a worse deal, that would be totally disrespectful & infantilising. It's not your problem; your set up isn't working and you both need to think about it. YADNBU.

YABU I'm afraid. If DH is working a 12 hour night shift, and you are working 4 hours during the day, I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to take care of dinner and bedtime by yourself. You could help yourself by doing some dinner prep and housework earlier in the day.

However, no reason why DH can't take a turn at doing dinner and bed on the days he's not working.

I think if his shifts are 10-10 then expecting him to be up to help out for the dc's bedtime which is much earlier than his leaving time is unreasonable.

I worked nights for years and they are a kind of shit you can't quite explain if you've never done them. Bed until an hour or hour and a half before time of leaving is ideal to get you through the night IMO, which obviously wouldn't work for helping out at bedtime.

I'm on days now and I'd happily never do another nights shift again in my life! People think I must have liked them because I did nights for thirteen years but it was purely for childcare reasons and the lack of quality sleep made me feel ill.

I think you just have to make some allowances op in terms of what you get done. As long as your dh is pulling his weight in his days off. Obviously it's tough for you but it gets easier as they get older.

It is difficult to unwind after a 12hr shift, it feels like work, sleep, everything is condensed, rushed, guilted, nights doubably so.
What are his hours? 6-6, 8-8?
Some stay up after nights, some sleep first, it depends on the individual, most sleep to seek some normality.

p.s. I don't see how TWO people doing "bath and bed" make it any easier? Unless you want "rest time" during your DHs night shift days while he does bath and bed? which would BU, otherwise, I don't get it?

Can they not just not have a bath on the middle day of his 3 nights? why is your bath/bed routine so gruelling, by 2 and 7 it should be much easier than it was when they're babies.

Blimey. Yabu.

I'm sure you can manage to get 2 children, one of whom is old enough to be both independent and helpful, into bed 3 nights a week

Well, to be fair, I get up at 6:30, do housework/get kids ready for 2 hours, work for the next 6h, go and get the kids at 2:30 and do childcare/housework/food/bit more paid work until they go to bed at 7:30 - after which I might do 1/2 hour more housework, or an hour of work if I couldn't get any done after school, or I whatever else needs to be done or rarely, flake out in front of the TV - OP sounds similar, so it's not like she's resting either.

However, I have to agree with some other posters here - you need to skip some stuff the days that he's got his night shifts. I have a bucket for toys in the living room - stuff just gets chucked in there rather than properly put away most evenings.

what time do you and the children get in ?

Would you ask someone who started a 12 hour shift at 7am to get up at 3.30 am to "help out" in the home? NO of course you wouldn't. Only the most sadistic controlling ass would ask that of a partner.

Asking your DH to be "help out" at 6.30pm is the equivalent of the above, except worse, because he's not on days, so it's harder.

I think that you're coming at this all wrong.

On his days off he needs to do a lot. More than it sounds like he's doing. That's life with a family. Get meals made in advance, laundry done, shopping etc

Then on his working days he needs to sleep as much as he needs to sleep & you need to use pre made meals, skip baths if you find it difficult and hoover less often. No one will die of dog hair itis if you skip a night.

It sounds like a lot of faffing about in the morning too. I'd look at that. Can you start work earlier? I'd get me, DD & DS ready, drop DD at school, DS at the childminders and start work earlier, if you can't do that, go for a coffee somewhere. All the faffing about out & back & out again is just stressful & wastes time.

Previous night shift worker here and I think you are being a wee bit u. I was never able to just go to bed when I got in after a shift. I would have something to eat then watch some telly or have a bath so could be 2 or 3 hours after I got home before I got to bed. It always took me longer to fall asleep as well. I also remember the sheer feeling of being knackered once I got up and I left my husband to do everything with the kids who were aged 4 and 7 he just did what was needed and the house was a bit untidy for the days I worked but caught up when I was off. No one died from missing a bath at night or the house being a mess

I do 12.5 nights, and they are exhausting. YABU. The sleep you can actually manage to get isn't of the same quality.

His shifts are 10pm-10am. The only reason he does them is the pay is substantially more than doing day shift.
He does run the hoover around and do the dishes when he is off work but he wants his day off to be his day off other than that which I can appreciate he needs.
I don't have anyone else to help out as I left my family and moved over 200 miles to be with him so i only have him

I think the only real solution is to see if there are alternative hours he can work or change jobs or change sites with different hours (like if he works in security).

Like others have said a 12 hour shift makes it just eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work. What time does he go to bed? If you want him up and ready to help with the house and kids will he need to be work ready before helping out or work ready after all that?

I'm remembering the ex who dumped me halfway through a week of night shifts. After I'd set an alarm to wake up early as he'd suggested a lunch out. Because it would have been wrong to lie to me for another few days apparently. . I have never been such a wreck as when I arrived sobbing for my night shift and carried on crying most of the night!

No I definitely done expect him to do housework the day he works! Just do bath so I can do the housework myself.
DD has swimming lessons twice a week so her having a bath or shower is unavoidable some nights