DH works nights, asked for more help AIBU

[mummyof2est2009]

Hi there
DH works 12hr night shift. We have DD who's 7 and DS who is 2. Recently I have been struggling to get everything done especially in the evening i.e. Cooking dinner cleaning, bath and bedtime routines etc. By the time I've finished everything it's time for me to go to bed myself as DS gets up at 5am.

Asked DH if he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so he can help with the part of the day I find most difficult. It works out he would still be able to get 7.5 hours sleep. He agreed that would be fine.

So we try it out... he gets up says he's too tired and goes back to bed. I'm so cross at him.
AIBU??

OP, I find it incredibly sexist that some posters think YABU for having an opinion on your own life. You should talk to DH about a solution. If you worked more hours could your DH move to a day job? That really helped in our family & I have a cleaner for 2 hours a week now, which barely scratches the surface, but she does the bathrooms, so I'm much happier. Things feel much more equal in our house now.

I don't think DH can realistically be expected to do more the days he works. Perhaps if you do easy meals the days he works and just let the housework go a bit so its not so tough on you. Also, why do you need to leave the house as early as 8am to get DD to primary school? Does it start early or is it far away? Sn hour round trip seems brutal . There seems an awful time taken running from place to place in morning when you might otherwise catch up on the housework etc.

I don't think op is wanting her Dp to do 'a load' of housework. Just a bit of help with bath and bedtime? Doesn't seem like a big ask to me.

My dp has a 3 week shift pattern and on one of those weeks he does nights (10.5hrs rather than 12). When he gets home, he gets the dc up, fed and ready, then does the nursery run whilst I have a bit of a lie in - he enjoys and wants to do this as he sees it as quality time with dc. He then goes to bed when he gets home, at around 9 by which point I am up to take over with youngest dc. He then sleeps till 6pm, which means he's up in time to help with bed and bath if it's bath night (we do every other night baths unless needed here), once dc are in bed he has time to eat/shower etc before heading off to work at 8:15pm.

I know your partners night shift pattern might be different I.e he starts and finishes at 10 so wouldn't be there to do the school run but I just wanted to point out that yes, night shifts suck and yes they are draining, especially the first one after time off from it, but it also doesn't give anyone the excuse to opt out of family life. You say he does do stuff around the house when he's off which is great. But I don't think what you're asking for is too much either.

I don't think he is being unreasonable either though. When my dp first stared shift work it took him a while to figure out a routine for 'night shift week' that works. But now we've figured it out its fine.

Give it time op, he will need time to adjust but at the same time he needs to be trying too.

I agree that the in and outs waste time. For the 3 days I work are out of the house at 7.20 to CM and then I go to work. Kids have hot school dinners (they dislike most of them but they get on with it). Pick up from ASC and tea is a wrap or sandwich or soup or egg/ beans on toast or pasta. Bath is 2 or 3 nights a week and all laundry done at the weekend.

It depends on what days you are counting as his "days off", the day before and the day after your nights are not "Days off", they are the days your body crashes/tries to recover, or if its the day before your first night you need to go slow or you won't make it through the night.

The day before I start a run of nights I may do school runs, but I'll make myself do as little as possible during the day, I won't be able to sleep but I'll make sure I'm not out and about too much because if I do as much as I'ld normally do on a REAL day off - I'll crash on my night.

The day after I finish nights I basically have flu, my body crashes and tries to recover.

3 days on 3 days off is really only 2ish days off when its nights.

Is it just vacuuming that needs doing daily? Keep the dog downstairs to minimise how much you do.

Batch cook meals so on your work days it's less cooking.

The thing is with doing night shift , is that most people I know can't just switch off and go straight to sleep when they get home , and if he's only got a ten minute commute , then he'll still be at work speed when he gets in, which I can imagine means he needs some sort of winding down time so as to be able to get to sleep at all .

I do 12 hour nights , finish at 7 and my train journey is about 2 hours , some of which I sleep for. I get back at 9 , but I still have to potter about , put the horses out , run the dogs , and get my brain back into walking mode in order to be able to sleep properly. Otherwise I get into bed at 9.20 , but find myself still staring at the ceiling at 11. Its very difficult to get a decent quality sleep on nights .

Oh and I do know some people who do nights with just 3 hours sleep in the day. I don't know how they do it, I couldn't though, it's not a matter of being unwilling, my body crashes and I end up off sick if I don't PROPER sleep between nights.

OP I think you have to decide if the money is worth the sacrifices. You cannot excpet your DH to work nights but make it like a family that's not working around nights.

Yes he's got a good routine for the day before/day after. He has 6hrs sleep before his first night then on his first day off he comes home, goes to bed then gets up when I get home from picking DD up from school

Can't dd shower at the pool after her swimming?

I think if he is at work 10pm leaving the house at 9.45 then he should be up by 8pm at the earliest- would you want to get up at 6pm knowing you have 4 hours of housework and kids before a 12 hour shift?

When he gets in he could do a small bit of tidying/cleaning or chuck food in the slow cooker before going to bed. I can't imagine he gets home 10.15am and then goes straight to bed.

I don't agree with those saying he does enough because of his shifts.

When my DH was doing 12 hour night shifts he still helped out with our 5DC,he was brilliant and if it had been the other way round and I was working nights I would have helped out.

I managed to do it when I worked lates,I'd get home and get lots done.

Could your DH cook on his days off?If he could cook a couple of meals and double the quantity up you could stick two of the meals in the freezer so when he's on nightshifts you'd have two evenings each week where you'd only have to re heat the meals rather than doing all the prep and cooking.

DDs school is a 30 minute drive away (thanks to traffic) and she starts at 8.30. I then pass my house is back on my way to work hence why I go back home again

Both me and DH do nights. We have an agreement that 5 hours sleep is uninterrupted then after that if help is needed we can wake the other (if the one who is up is fine, the one post nights sleeps longer). If you work days and kids are needing attention at night you have to get on with it, same for working nights and sleeping in the day.

I agree with mushrooms. Lower your standards. When I'm on 12 hour days or nights no housework is done around here beyond the barest minimum! I often do pick up and drop off but I use after school club or whatever I need to get my sleep.

She does try and shower at the pool but struggles with washing her own hair as it is very thick. And they won't allow me to take buggy in to help her there's no way DS would stand and wait while I helped!

Kids don't need a bath every night, skip it on his work nights, do quick easy teas, save the cleaning for his days off so you can both pitch in and just do the bare minimum of washing up, picking up toys etc on his work nights.

It sounds like school/childminder/work are all really spread put too which means you spend a lot of time getting in and out which won't help.

Agree brownpurse, the long night shifts are really draining - I have first hand experience. You can never sleep properly and when you are off just feel like a zombie as so out of synch.

YABU. Can you move some of the night jobs to the morning? You say your DS wakes you up at 5 but you don't leave the house for school until 8am. Can't you vacuum and prep dinner then in order to make the evenings easier?

to be honest my hubby used to do 4 12 hr night shifts a week .he came in the house at 7.30 went straight to bed then i had to shout on him at 5.30 for a quick shower and his dinner before he went out the door at 6.30 .so if he is doing anything attall think yourself lucky to be honest .he helped with children on his days off but otherwise no chance .

I do remember doing nights... they were brutal... I need more daytime sleep than nighttime..

I think you are going to have to look at how you can cut corners..Get a slow cooker, chuck it all in during the morning.. cheesy beans on toast is a great tea, batch cook, feezer food as I call it won't hurt somedays, jacket spuds in slow cooker.

I bathed my DS every night when he was in nappies but sometimes it was a play sometimes a dip..7 year old is capable of doing bits to help. 2 year old should be able to tidy up some toys.. Can't you hoover in the morning after school run?

It is all a balancing act that will get easier as DS gets older.

I don't think its gair to ask him to help any more on the days he works.
I'm just imagining a 12 hour day shift- 8am to 8pm. That leaves no time to really do anything apart from eat, shower, get ready for work in the morning and eat in evening.
Definitely get him doing more on his days off though. As others have said, cut corners on the days he works. Surely theres a bit of time between end of dinner and bath to get the dishes done? 7 year old can tidy toys.

Gair? Fair

Could DS shower at the pool too? When DD used to swim everyone seemed to shower them there then put the in a onesie to go home so no bath/getting ready for bed home.

Get a morphy richards sear and stew slowcooker. Much easier to cook when less busy and stick on low for later.

What time do the children go to bed?

DH has his main meal at work so I have to cook something that is microwavable as that's all that is available for him to use. Apparently a toaster is a health and safety hazard . I try and do as much as I can in the morning but DD and DS share a bedroom so I take him downstairs and keep him entertained so he doesn't wake DD as I don't think it's fair on her. Plus I have to shower at some point so I do that once DD is up around 6.30