DH works nights, asked for more help AIBU

[mummyof2est2009]

Hi there
DH works 12hr night shift. We have DD who's 7 and DS who is 2. Recently I have been struggling to get everything done especially in the evening i.e. Cooking dinner cleaning, bath and bedtime routines etc. By the time I've finished everything it's time for me to go to bed myself as DS gets up at 5am.

Asked DH if he would go to bed earlier and get up earlier so he can help with the part of the day I find most difficult. It works out he would still be able to get 7.5 hours sleep. He agreed that would be fine.

So we try it out... he gets up says he's too tired and goes back to bed. I'm so cross at him.
AIBU??

Yes I do have a slow cooker and will be using it more, along with your idea of preparing the veg when DH is off just to save me a little bit more time.
I realise now there is no need to cook fresh every single day and I was probably making things harder than they actually needed to be for myself.
Thank you to everyone who has contributed ideas!

Sounds good :)

Obviously he'll be cooking some of the meals on the days he's not working?

Yes he definitely will! He actually enjoys cooking but it's usually some incredibly spicy. Will have to ask him to tone it down a bit.

So much sympathy for you both, I do nights 12 hrs with a 24 hr turn around in between and its exhausting: DP is SAHD at the moment and we have a 2 and 7 year old as well. Ive done intermittent nights for years (whether DP is working outside the home or not) and it is pretty exhausting and takes it out of you, but I find one of the hardest things is getting disconnected from whats going on at home/not having enough time to be a parent, and I worry about the strain it puts on DP as doing everything alone is pretty relentless. I also have a job where alertness and being prepared is critical so I cannot skimp on sleep and have to rest properly.
My hours at present are 8 til 8 which makes it a bit easier than your DH as I get to spend some time with our 2 year old in the morning, often get to put her to bed before I leave for a shift, and get to have a meal with/do homework/hear about DSs day at school. If your DP could work a more social shift things might get easier for you but it may not be possible

The last post about cooking tips is really good: I prep a slow cooker in the mornings when I come in; usually as I am making a breakfast (part of my sleep strategy) so I will have my DD in the kitchen having a snack/playing/chatting or singing to her, while I prep up veg etc and make the dinner that will cook while I sleep: and do some simple stuff like sort/put on/fold washing
DP gets to have a shower/moment kid free time/do some tasks that are hard with a 2 year old on the prowl before I go to bed. I find it really helps me wind down and process a busy night (therapeutic chopping stuff).
It helps DP to manage the chaos in the evenings if cooking is purely doing some pasta, rice etc, and we still all get to sit down for a nice homemade meal (and I get my microwavable night food too). Its not much effort but it balances out some of the time and work between us and I feel a bit more part of things.
Apart from that; lots of compromises!
Good ones: fewer baths, couple of tasks for 7 year old eg stacks the dishwasher, sets the table as a routine (with lots of praise and appreciation for being part of the team), Sprint tidy up to music for the kids at the end of the night, creative homework solutions making the task a game while we do other things
Bad compromises (the ones I don't like) : not getting to speak to DP and discuss things, no time together, leaving notes and texts for each other, trying to clean the bathroom while showering, and sometimes just lowering the standards for the nightshift days and tolerating more mess

Its hard for you all (kids included) and can feel like a relentless treadmill sometimes: but keep talking and try not to let resentment build up between you: you are both working hard, and I hope things improve for you soon

Thank you for this really helps to know that other people are working through the same thing.
I really do think that the timing of his shifts make things more difficult and he has suggested to bosses to change to 8-8, at least then he could actually see our 7 year old, although I don't know if anything will come of it.
The food preparation is definitely a big thing that needs to change to make things easier and just trying to work together more

Hi OP don't listen to the harsh posts. It is hard work dealing with tea time/bed time on your own. I have 2 and 3 year old DDs and have always had to manage on my own as my DH doesn't get in till 7.30 or 8pm and to be honest I have felt hard done by at times having no one to hand over to at the end of the day like many of my friends do.

I cope by preparing as much as I can through the the day to make 'melt down hour" (the hour before teatime), tea time and the bedtime routine go smoothly. So for example little things like laying out pj's, prep tea, put milk in sippy cups ready to shove in the microwave.

I try to keep back one toy that always distracts them that I can whip out for their grumpy time - such as a pop up tent or favourite nursery rhyme cd. I have found that batch cooking and freezing individual child sized portions of meals packed with hidden veg that they will definitely eat makes things so much easier. I don't feel guilty as I don't have to resort to junk food when I am pushed for time.

I tidy the majority of the toys away before tea (with their help) which means that once they are in bed there is very little in the way of tidying up so it's a quick 10 min blitz of loading the dishwasher, tidying round and sweeping the floors etc before making tea for me and DH (which I also try to prep in the day if possible). They quite like the fact that there are no toys after tea as they enjoy the extra space and tend to play active running about games which makes my life easier.

I do think YWBU to ask him to go straight to bed after his night shift, maybe he can help at other times in other ways like PPs have suggested? I now work nights and I cannot sleep straight away afterwards. I need to get in, get changed, eat and then watch rubbish on telly for a bit before I can wind down and sleep.

What's making it difficult is him wanting his days off to be days off. Don't we all, but that's not life with kids. When are YOUR days off?

You need to up your expectation of his imput, they're his kids & it's his house too. Doing a few dishes and pushing the hover around on your 3 days off is hardly a brilliant contribution to family life.

Annie the OP has said he is more than hands on on his days off. It's his days on she struggles.

Maybe you could put the kids in the bath and take them out of the bath. DH could chat to them while they are playing in the bath though in order to allow you a bit more time. Of course he will want some time with the kids to chat even on work days.

I wouldn't bath the kids or Hoover on his working days. I would eat simply or left overs.

Batch cook a shit load of chilli and stew so he can have it with cheese and a jacket potato on his work days.

He needs to contribute more in his days off. Maybe he could batch cook and freeze his own meals?

People tell me I'm lucky he puts the hoover round and does dishes. How much do you expect your DHs to do during their days off? I'd be interested to know

We work roughly the same hours, bar an hour a day so I use that hour too get the majority of things done. Anything outside that hour we share.

I have done fewer hours in the past on occasion and applied the same logic, I was home more so did more.

If kept on top of daily and everything has a place it doesn't take much to keep it lovely daily.

I work nights every few weeks, and my husband does 40+ hours 9-5 work. When I'm on nights I wake up, often drop him a text and get tea brought to bed because I'm so nauseated I can't even move. Then as I get up and shower, he cooks dinner. We eat, I walk out leaving the dishes because I've slept to the latest possible moment. I'll often throw up on nights because I'm so damn tired, even after 8 hours sleep.

Nights are so bloody hard on the body. Working them, even part time increases your risk of depression, heart disease and even cancer. I think you need a combination of your husband doing more in his days off and dropping your standards.

This thread has put me off ever doing nights!

People tell you you are lucky that he runs the hoover round?! Fuck me. I dont quite understand why you are getting so much of a hard time. It is easier with 2 parents than one.

Practical aids: slow cooker.
Slow cooker freezer meals.
Depending on the size of your freezer could you do a months worth of dinners. A mner did it using an american website. Then all she had to do was heat it up every day.
Double or triple portions of bolognaise, cottage pie or whatever.
Use frozen veg or make your own mixes from fresh and freeze.

Did you know you can freeze chopped onions, chili and mashed potatoes? I learned that from mn.

Lower expectations. A boiled egg and soldiers is fine.

Get the foil boxes that you get takeaway in and make up dhs lunches in those. Or get him to make a batch of spicy food for himself.

My dh also has 12 hour shifts and it has taken some getting used to. The washing basket has to be empty and the house tidy before he starts a run of shifts. On his changeover day from day to night he has to do a load of washing. If he takes care of that then i can do the meals and bedtimes because I dont have to think about the housework extras.

YABU. Night shifts totally kill me, I am no use to anyone! I need as much sleep as possible and even then I am clumsy and irritable.

Do you realise though that plenty of people who do more normal hours are up and out of the door before their children are up and don't get home again till the children are in bed again? Years ago I had a long commute that meant out the door very early, home in time for food, bath and bed.

Sorry but I think you are a bit U. A 12 hour shift would be so hard - I'm sure you don't have that much house work to do! Keep some of it till the weekend if needed. Get your kids to put the toys away while you do dinner. I'm just thinking by the time your kids go to bed you'll still have 2-3 hours for yourself to tidy and watch tv. I have twin 6 month old and a 6 year old - partner works full time and works evenings till late 2 x a week. I have dinner to make, feeding babies, washing up from dinner , bottles to wash, washing to do and then bath time takes half an hour - oldest is in bed at 7 and twins asleep by half 7. Not trying to be mean but if I can do it then anyone should be able too!

I did 12 hour night shifts and was good for nothing during the day. Sounds like contributes equally on his days off but when working try not to get annoyed with him or frustrated at him needing sleep as there is only so much a person can take of physical and mental effort

A 3 night on, 3 night off shift is horrific. Yes, in theory he should do more on his 'days off' but actually he doesn't get 3 days off.
His life will be something like this:

Monday: Works 10pm-10am Tuesday
Tuesday. Sleeps in day. Works 10pm-10am Wednesday
Wednesday: Sleeps in day. Works 10pm-10am Thursday
Thursday: Either stays awake as a zombie, or sleeps in the day, and probable insomnia at night
Friday: Possibly has some vaguely normal time awake
Saturday: Should sleep all day, because he starts work at 10pm, and will be awake all night.

So, he doesn't have 3 days in which to do things. He has 2 days when he should be sleeping, and 1 vaguely normal day in between.

In comparison, the OP works only 4 hours a day, and very 'normal' times. Unless her husband's shift patterns change (even a 4 on, 4 off would be better), then I don't think he can be expected to do much at all, except for the middle 'off' day.

OP you are keen for DH to change his working pattern but what about you ? Earlier you said that you work 4 hours 4 days a week " usually 11-3". Can you not start earlier so that you drop off both DC at the same time rather than the to- ing and fro-ing that you currently do ? You would then be home earlier . Also can you not do batch cooking and most housework on your non working day as , I assume children will be st school/ nursery. You are coming over as very intransigent!

And you still haven't answered the suggestion that you get up early before the children, to do housework. You don't need to hoover then, so you can be quiet. If you think he should get up early, maybe you should be willing to as well.

whatallama but the OP suggested he get up earlier and go to bed earlier. What if it's not possible for her to go to bed earlier?
Regardless, the DH did agree to this, so he must think it's an option

This thread has put me off ever doing nights!
I honestly don't know how people do nights. Actually, even worse - I don't know how people do ever changing day to night to day to night shift patterns. Brutal. And proven to be mega bad for you.

Whatallama
The scenario you are describing of his working pattern is incorrect, he would also not be working on the Saturday night and Sunday would be his first night back in giving him 2 'normal' days not just 1.
I couldn't go to bed any earlier than I already do as DH doesn't get up until 9.10 he gets ready and leaves at 9.40 after which I can then go to bed

I'm always on the lookout for a job that would be better hours for me but at the moment this is the closest I can get. Jobs in school hours are obviously sought after for parents with no after school childcare options