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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

201 replies

flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 14:15

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

OP posts:
OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 14:18

You'd be very unreasonable to punch him!
Leave him if you're unhappy but Yabvu! Maybe he no longer feels up to it or simply doesn't want to?

splendide · 10/08/2016 14:18

With no other context, yes it is unreasonable (as much as feelings can ever be) to hate somebody because they don't want anymore children.

Do you think he's changed his mind? Or was just stringing you along? That would make a difference to me I think.

00100001 · 10/08/2016 14:24

YANBU to be disappointed. But YABU to be angry.

How would you feel if it was the other way round and it was you not wanting the second child and him desperate for it?

Writerwannabe83 · 10/08/2016 14:24

Why have 5 years passed? Did you always want such a big age gap or has your DH been finding excuses to put off trying for another?

Last month my DH told me he didn't want anymore children, despite us having been TTC for 3-4 months and knowing how much I wanted another. We'd been going through a really rough patch with our DS (aged 2) and DH said he just can't do it again.

I was really upset but unlike your scenario we had never agreed on having more than one so it wasn't as though I had been deceived, DH had just changed his mind.

I also get upset when I see pregnant women and it hurts a lot but I know I gave to accept DH's decision.

Did you not suspect in the last 5 years he didn't want a second seeing as it never happened?

YABU to want to punch him, he is allowed to change his mind, but YANBU to feel lied to and feeling like you've been strung along, that would really upset me.

Maybe you should take a short break and try and make sense of your emotions to see if ending the marriage is really what you want Flowers

theworstthreadspinner · 10/08/2016 14:27

Is this a serious question? YABVVVU. Disappointment is one thing, but I really don't understand people who have at least one child being so overwhelmed by desperation for another? Fine if it's a mutual decision (I'm not advocating one child for everyone!), but do you really feel that entitled to have 2?

I am happy to be told I'm wrong by anyone, btw.

myownprivateidaho · 10/08/2016 14:28

He's not unreasonable not to want another child. You're not unreasonable to want one, but you would be unreasonable to pressure him after he made his feelings clear.

It's unreasonable to be angry with him if he just changed his mind (everyone's entitled to do this). Less so if he was stringing you along - but I guess you have to ask what you would have done differently if he'd told you the truth years ago.

You could leave him, either because (i) you want to find someone else to have a child with/have a child on your own, or (ii) you hate him.

I guess if you actually do hate him, and you don't think that will change, you will have to think about ending the relationship - you can't be happy.

If you would want to leave in order to have another baby by some other means I guess you have to weigh up other factors, like the effect that the split would have on your existing children (who have to come before your desire for another child) and the likelihood of your plan for getting another child working out (ie if you would only want to do it in a relationship, the chance that you might not meet someone who wanted a child with you).

Your reaction, on the face of it, seems extreme. Is there other stuff going on? Might you be depressed?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2016 14:28

Any agreements made before marriage about kids are null and void. No one knows until they have one how they will feel. DH wanted two, we have one because once he had one, he didn't want two.

You can decide that having another child is more important to you than your relationship. But don't blame him unless he has been lying and manipulating you because people have to be able to change their minds.

redskytonight · 10/08/2016 14:28

I don't think you can hold anyone to an "agreement" that they would have x children, before they actually had any children.

If your DH is adamant he doesn't want any more children and you are adamant that you do, then you will have to separate. There is no right or wrong, just different opinions.

scaryteacher · 10/08/2016 14:28

You can do more financially for one child as well.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 14:28

No one is ever unreasonable to not want a child, or to want one.

If you want another one and he doesn't then you'll have weigh up that choice over your marriage.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/08/2016 14:29

Agree with above really. Yanbu to be dissapointed and I can understand it, but you can't blame him so much that you want to punch him. This is a man you want to have a baby with? Confused

Imagine a man saying this about his wife; "She doesn't want any more kids, despite saying she did before she had one. I want another baby and it makes me so angry I want to punch her" Hmm.

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 14:30

Feel to punch him is a figure of speech down here for angry and upset, not literally punch him.

But yes he made excuses and strung me along and last conversation it was a no but maybe if we sort this and this out.

Now its a no, no matter what, never.

OP posts:
SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/08/2016 14:33

So a man might say "I feel like punching her" about his wife and where you live this would be OK?

MrsKoala · 10/08/2016 14:34

I would be angry and i would leave. I left my first husband for changing his mind and stringing me along about children. It was very hard, but i knew i would resent him and be unhappy. There is no compromise with children, you either want them or you don't.

wobblywonderwoman · 10/08/2016 14:34

I would leave my dh if I was in this position. I would just resent him everyday. Luckily we are of the same mindset.

00100001 · 10/08/2016 14:35

Well you need to accept that then. Talk to him reasonably.

Think about if the shoe was on the other foot and he was doing this to you. How would you feel?

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 14:35

I think your right to feel the way you are. I would feel cheated if my Dh had done this.

Don't punch him though.

Can you move past this? Can you trust what he says again? Is having another child more important than staying with him?

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 14:36

stevie I'm sure it's just venting. I could happily strangle Dh sometimes but it doesn't mean I would.

LongGrass · 10/08/2016 14:38

Hatred is a strong word though. There is a difference between

A. Changing your mind
B. Being Unsure
C. Being Sure but stringing another person along.

A and B happens and is reasonable I think. Everyone has a right to change their mind. C is different. If you feel he has deliberately strung you along rather than just been unsure or changing his mind, then I think you have other issues anyway. Only you know the ins and outs of this one.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/08/2016 14:40

I'm sure you're right dutch, it's just a particularly ugly choice of words along with the OP saying she hates him I just have no idea what would make her want to have his baby!

It boils down to what dutch just said "is having another child more important than staying with him"? If the OP actually hates him, then I think I know the answer!

WannaBe · 10/08/2016 14:41

Nope, I don't understand this mindset of wanting to end a relationship because one party doesn't want any more children. So you're prepared to end the relationship, have only part residence of the existing children you do have, have them potentially have another mother-figure in their lives when the DH moves on, animosity between parents, and all this because of what you want? Hmm and there are no guarantees that you could have another baby with someone else....

I can understand ending a relationship because of no children, but not because of one party not wanting any more children. The selfish one here is the one wanting to end the relationship.....

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 14:41

If i left i wouldnt have any more children anyway but i dont like feeling so angry with him, first it was resentment, now i feel cheated.
If i could forget and move on believe me i would.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 10/08/2016 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liiinoo · 10/08/2016 14:44

Before we got married my DH wanted 4 children and I wanted 3. After the birth of our second daughter he changed his mind. He didn't want any more kids. We argued long and hard about it and he had several practical reasons for sticking at two and my only reason for wanting a third was a deep, hormonal longing so I gave in.

DP had a vasectomy and I mourned the third child I could never have for years. It affected our sex life as I would cry throughout intercourse and afterwards as I knew it could never make a baby. We have probably only had sex about 10mtimes since then and it was over 20 years ago. It scarred our marriage to the point I seriously considered divorce but leaving him wouldn't have guaranteed me another baby so I stayed.

I am menopausal now and the deep hormonal longing has gone and DP and I are happy together so I am glad I stuck around, but that issue definitely changed and scarred our relationship. Sometimes I wish I had had the courage to stick to my guns and had that third baby anyway, friends of mine have done that, but having been an unwanted child I didn't want to inflict that on another infant.

OP I am so sorry you are in this situation. There is no easy answer - In the end I stayed because I asked myself 'would I be happier/get what I want without him?' and the answer was always 'no' as apart from this very major issue our marriage was and is good, (loving,companionable, supportive, lots of laughs, shared history etc). How would you answer that question?

MrsKoala · 10/08/2016 14:46

I am an only child and i always said i would rather have no children than just one, so yes i would leave someone who changed their mind after 1. I wouldn't be able to get past the resentment. My DH feels exactly the same and he also was an only child. I don't think it's selfish to leave someone for any reason. If you want to leave them/don't love them anymore for any reason then that's reason enough surely.

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