aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

[flirtygirl]

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

I think maybe struggling along as a single parent especially when added to the religious baggage makes being a housewife and having a traditional set up sounds better than it actually is. I bet lots of people choose partners like this. You don't know the reality until you live it.

snapcrap
I'm really surprised at the amount of people telling you you are being unreasonable OP! You are absolutely not.
Clandestino
It takes two to have children and if one side doesn't agree with more, you need to stick to it.

I agree snapcrap and I dont know why Calndy thinks the wishes of the party who doesn't want children should trump the wishes of the one who does, especially when he initially agreed he would have more and is now reneging on that.

I am very suspicious of the OPs husbands motives.

IMO when men are unwilling to have another child (espcially just a second) it's often because of discontent in the marriage. That's not to say he's already having an affair, but I suspect he's thinking about it. Do you think there could be someone on his radar flirtygirl?

To the poster who said her mother tricked her father and had a second, then her dad left within six months I would say my money would be on the likelihood he was planning his exit anyway. Maybe her mum did the right thing and got the second child she wanted first?

The choices the OP has;
Accept - risking he leaves her in the next few years and goes on to have more children with his new partner while she has wasted years of her precious narrow female window of fertility on him. Or even if he stays a lifetime of bitterness.

Present him with the choice, he agrees or the marriage is over. This will be very revealing

Trick him, just get pregnant, but be prepared for the fallout.

Tell him its over, you want different things from life and he doesn't love you enough to care about your happiness or even to care about giving his child a sibling (unless of course he plans a different mother for that).

It is NOT unreasonable to want a second child, wanting third and fourth are an entirely different matter as that is creating a 'big family' when issues of expense, size of home even car, also begin to impact.

I've always been very clear (in my own mind and to my partner) that having at least a certain number of children is non-negotiable for me. It just isn't, I want them more than anything else and organise my life/priorities with that in mind.

You can't force your partner to have a child with you (and I wouldn't want to), but equally I would not be forced to end my reproductive years, and I would have a child by another independent means (ie. sperm donor).

I would then also accept that my partner may choose to leave me over that decision (his choice).

I don't think it's as simple as 'throwing everything away because of something you want', because it really isn't felt like a want (at least for me, and I know many others), more like a deep, aching urge that I would struggle very seriously to live with.

I would liken it more to having a sexual life with your partner. Of course, neither partner should feel forced or coerced into having sex they don't want. But the reality is that people usually want sex enough for it to be an understandable dealbreaker if one partner simply can't bring themselves to have any interest any more.

That's how I feel about having children. No one should feel forced or coerced. But if you're not on the same page, then it's just an understandable dealbreaker. I don't think either party should be made to feel guilty about walking away from that (I wouldn't walk away, but I would conceive independently, meaning he may walk away).

Just reread OP and realised this would be a third child, not second , as stated this DOES put a different perspective on it because a family of three is a heavy financial burden, and many people prefer to do their best for two than be financially stretched by three.

Is it the cost, size of home etc making DH reluctant? If so he is being responsible and the OP should IMHO settle for the two she's got.

I am very suspicious of the OPs husbands motives.

IMO when men are unwilling to have another child (espcially just a second) it's often because of discontent in the marriage. That's not to say he's already having an affair

I have read some far fetched fanciful bollocks in my time, but that takes the biscuit. Has it occurred to you that - shock, horror - he is happy having one child. It is very easy to have an ideal. family size in your mind before you actually have any children, but then the reality hits home.

Accept - risking he leaves her in the next few years and goes on to have more children with his new partner

The new partner who you just made up.

It is NOT unreasonable to want a second child, wanting third and fourth are an entirely different matter as that is creating a 'big family' when issues of expense, size of home even car, also begin to impact.

You can't know this. They could live in a one bed flat, be pushed to the limit financially already. For us, one child would be a stretch financially and logistically, two a near impossibility. Others are lucky enough that four or five wouldn't impact their finances and lifestyle as much as one child would for us.

Have a bloody word with yourself before you start merrily suggesting affairs, advising ultimatums etc. from behind a computer screen, this is someone's life.

"Have a bloody word with yourself before you start merrily suggesting affairs, advising ultimatums etc. from behind a computer screen, this is someone's life."

I am not the poster you should be saying this to LikeDylan! I have simply set out what her options are and not advised as to which she should choose, unlike many others on the thread who have been telling her to change the locks, pack her bags etc

And is there any need to be so damn rude too, "from behind a computer screen"?

And is there any need to be so damn rude too, "from behind a computer screen"?

Yes when someone is writing such potentially damaging nonsense, yes.

I can't believe I've just read that the husband not wanting a child is a deep rooted unhappiness in his marriage.

What a load of bollocks, holy shit

Its those judgemental types telling her what to do writing "potentially damaging nonsense" , and trying to make her feel ashamed for staying with him etc!
She must make her own decision. Only she knows him fully and can judge his behavior in context.
Nobody should judge her based on the limited picture we have here.

I can't believe I've just read that the husband not wanting a child is a deep rooted unhappiness in his marriage.

You don't have to believe it but it could well be that.

I did not say this as a certainty btw, as you have misrepresented it, but its a very real possibility. Have I touched an Achilles heel by any chance?

IMO when men are unwilling to have another child (espcially just a second) it's often because of discontent in the marriage. That's not to say he's already having an affair, but I suspect he's thinking about it.

Nonsense! Of course not wanting a child, or not wanting an additional child doesn't have to mean there is discontent or an affair about to happen!

Lots of people just don't want several children, some don't want any children.

Does the same apply if it is the woman not wanting a second or third (or whatever) child too?

The lying is the issue, the saying one thing but meaning something else is wrong. Not wanting a child (officially his second, but as takes on fatherly role to eldest - in effect his third child) is not wrong. And it definitely doesn't mean he is having or wants an affair!

No Achilles heel I just don't know why you'd jump to unhappiness in a marriage?

I originally wanted THREE kids, after one I'm completely done and could never have any more.
Nothing to do with my partnership, it's to do with the reality of how difficult children are...

Those telling her she should just put up and accept it too are also writing 'potentially harmful nonsense'!

The OP needs to clarify her options and consider them all carefully.

I originally wanted THREE kids, after one I'm completely done and could never have any more.
Nothing to do with my partnership, it's to do with the reality of how difficult children are...

Are you a man or woman and does your OH agree with you? If so no problem,

Marmaduchess in case you need it spelling out. Other people are offering advice - some I agree with, others less so - based on what the op has written.

By contrast, you are just dreaming shit up out of nowhere and projecting wildly.

Of course not wanting a child, or not wanting an additional child doesn't have to mean there is discontent or an affair about to happen!

I didnt say it has to, but for men especially it often does, sometimes for women too.

Think about it, if youre unhappy in a relationship you do not want to cement the bond. Its not rocket science.

you are just dreaming shit up out of nowhere and projecting wildly

YOU are just writing bullshit.
I've touched on an Achilles heel and youre angry and lashing out. Give it a rest and focus on helping the OP not sidetracking into your own battle.

In a way the issue of more children is a red herring. It's just thrown into stark relief the dynamic of your relationship ie that your DH is controlling and uncompromising. Whereas it sounds like you are a people pleaser who thought at some point, the wheel would turn and he would be working to 'please' you. But it hasn't.
I have been in your situation and I wish I had left as soon as I realised he was lying about wanting another child. Because, whilst I don't think I will ever get over him lying about it. It isn't just about the child, it's about being a support character in his life. You can't and shouldn't have to suppress all your needs and desires so he gets the life he wants.
Staff help to make your life easier whilst demanding nothing back - that's not what a relationship is supposed to be.

I've touched on an Achilles heel and youre angry and lashing out. Give it a rest and focus on helping the OP not sidetracking into your own battle

Yet more projection and fantasy. You seem hell bent on undermining your own argument. But do go on...

No Dylan, just giving you advice...

Exactly keepitdown having children was a non negotiable for me and i did arrange my life to achieve this. (After initial teenage pregnancy)

I am happy to be sahp and traditional housewife and would still be happy if he kept up his end.

When i say about compromises sahp and being a housewife were my choices along with growing our family. The compromises i made in additional were having no social life without him as doesnt like me going out with my friends, no outside childcare, he agreed to free nursery hours at age 3 and 4 only because it was free and that was it, so ive not been able to do evening courses or extracurricular activities as he wont allow a babysitter.

I compromised and accepted this rationalising that my chikdren need me and we are a family so i should look at it as a whole but child no3 and possible child no 4 were included in this.

Looking back im just a mug, him doing what he wants and me doing what he wants.

Actually I think Marma is right in that sometimes it can be a sign of unhappiness and discontent within a relationship.
But it can also be used by controlling partners (as OP's DP seems to be) to create a self-perpetuating cycle ie let's argue about the number of DCs we'll have; let's use those arguments as a sign we shouldn't have more DCs; repeat as necessary. And of course it seems sensible not to have more DCs if your relationship is unhappy but actually the arguing is deliberate because it justifies the DH maintaining his position and achieving the outcome he wants ie no more DCs. Oddly, the arguing won't impact on them being able to do any of the things that the DH wants to do in the relationship.

the compromises i made in additional were having no social life without him as doesnt like me going out with my friends, no outside childcare, he agreed to free nursery hours at age 3 and 4 only because it was free and that was it, so ive not been able to do evening courses or extracurricular activities as he wont allow a babysitter.
That does sound sinisterly 'controlling'.

Even if he wanted it I really don't think another child with this man is a good idea.

He doesn't like you going out with others? Won't 'allow' babysitters?

He sounds like a wanker.

"I didnt say it has to, but for men especially it often does, sometimes for women too.

Think about it, if youre unhappy in a relationship you do not want to cement the bond. Its not rocket science."

Utter bollocks.

"Nobody should judge her based on the limited picture we have here."

You are happy enough to judge the bloke though.