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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

201 replies

flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 14:15

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 10/08/2016 14:47

If he's been giving you excuses rather than just saying "I don't want another" in a hope that you'll somehow change your mind, then YANBU, and actually, trying to delay rather than 'own' his decision is a crap trait. He probably knew shortly after having DC1 if he'd said "I'll never want another one" you'd have started planning to leave, by delaying he's hoping to get to the stage where it's "too late" or "the gap's too big" to have another one. Removing an option from you.

Do you trust him?

scaryteacher · 10/08/2016 14:47

I could only have one child. I got over it, as I worked with people who couldn't have any, so I was luckier than them. I would have loved another one, but we've been able to provide things for ds that we couldn't have done with two children.

I think it's a case of count your blessings really, or at least trying to see it that way.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/08/2016 14:49

Agree with Koala that if you really don't love him anymore you should consider if you want to stay married to him. The question is, do you hate him or just the fact you probably aren't going to have any more babies? If you actually hate him then surely having a baby with him is the last thing you would want.

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 14:54

I don't think the op hates I think she is just so overwhelmed with a mix bag of emotions - disappointment, cheated, loss, resentment that's it's all boiling up as anger.

Sometimes it's hard to count your blessings when you have been expecting and looking forward to something for years to have the goal posts moved with no say from yourself. It's harsh.

op try and calm down and look long term in to your future

diddl · 10/08/2016 14:59

It's the deceit that would be making me want to leave.

How on earth has he managed to string you along for so long though?

Dragongirl10 · 10/08/2016 15:03

YANBU for feeling let down as you (very sensibly ) discussed this before marriage, including a timescale ,2 years. If he had changed his mind he should have been upfront with you by that 2 year stage. Leading you on and being disingenuous is the real issue.

What you do now is to think carefully, if you leave him you will see your current DC less which seems heartbreaking, but if you still feel this angry in say 6 months or a years time it may be the only solution.

If the issues you mentioned with DS are the dealbreaker for him, remind him that the toddler stage does not last long, soon they are more independant, know how to behave better and life can be so much easier and more fun again. I actually think as time goes on it is easier with two as they have a permanent playmate...as long as the gap in age is not huge.

Good luck op

NedStarksHead · 10/08/2016 15:03

I agree with theworstthreadspinner

You're being extremely unreasonable and unfair to your husband. He doesn't want children, I assume for valid reasons. Even if he doesn't have valid reasons he's not unreasonable not to want another child.

You on the other hand, are a bit dramatic. You already have a child but you feel "physically sick" when you see pregnant women? Can't you just focus on enjoying the one child you're lucky enough to have rather than this bizarre desperation for another? Makes you sound totally ridiculous.

If you're going to put your husband through years of badgering him for a child, and totally unreasonable tantrums because he says no, then do HIM a favour and leave him.

ilovegin112 · 10/08/2016 15:04

How many children do you have?

MunchCrunch01 · 10/08/2016 15:05

it's a fundamental betrayal - yes, I'd probably leave DH if he strung me along for years and then banned me from having more DC and I really wanted another. I understand why you couldn't get past the resentment, you have a right to feel the way you feel, especially about babies. Yes there are plenty of people worse off, but you wanted 2 and the only reason YOU don't have 2 is because he's banned it.

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 15:07

You said that if you left you wouldn't have another DC.

If you've been openly wanting more all the time and he's strung you along, why couldn't you end the relationship and try to meet someone else?

My STBXH lied to me in so many ways. I was honest with my needs, he lived behind lies. Maybe you aren't compatible if you're more direct and he's quietly controlling?

NedStarksHead · 10/08/2016 15:07

You know it is possible for him to be undecided?
He may have been thinking about more children and how he would feel about it, and in the end decided he would not like more children.

I hate to think my DP would leave me because I took a while to make my mind up about having more children... Especially seeing as we already have one....

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2016 15:10

I think you need couples counciling to get past your resentment.

I always thought I would have 2 children. I have one and am now fairly sure I don't want another. Both DH and I had said before how we wanted 2. But if DH pressure me into another one the way you are with him? Can you imagine it the other way around? Wow. These things aren't agreements, life changes and things happen, feelings change. Have you ever thought about asking him why? And not asking why so you can explain why his reasons are not reasons but asking why and listening.

LauraMipsum · 10/08/2016 15:10

Anger is understandable - look at the Kubler-Ross model of grief (where grief isn't just bereavement, it can extend to grieving for a change of future). The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Could you consider counselling OP?

BananaThePoet · 10/08/2016 15:10

I think you should both go to couple counselling - somewhere like Relate (Used to be called Marriage Guidance). They are very helpful and help people work through issues like this and come to some sort of resolution.
You don't like feeling this way and rather than stew about it feeling alone it makes sense to work through this and find out what is the best way forward.
Relate isn't just about fixing a marriage it can be about working out that the marriage is over and the least damaging way to 'consciously uncouple' to take a hideous phrase from Gwyneth Paltrow.
Either way whether you stay together or separate you need some neutral wise referee-type person to help you get through this with the minimum damage to the child/children you already have and to clarify what you can do to make a difficult situation something you can both live peacably with.

Vickyyyy · 10/08/2016 15:12

I would say YABU, but the fact that husband had agreed before marriage you would have another kinda messies that somehow. I completely understand feeling lied to and such, as that IS the case if he agreed beforehand. Is there any reason given for not having the second child as agreed?

You would be being unreasonable to punch him though, but I assume you know this and it was just a tongue in cheek comment :p

Whatthefoxgoingon · 10/08/2016 15:14

You said your youngest child is now 7. Have you got more than one child already or have I misread your meaning?

MrsKoala · 10/08/2016 15:14

If i told DH after having one that i didn't want anymore he would leave me. He was quite happy to adopt or foster if i didn't want to physically have the baby but he was not willing to compromise on wanting more. I think that's fine. I don't see a problem with it at all.

MunchCrunch01 · 10/08/2016 15:14

Personally I think you should get individual counselling more urgently than marriage counselling as you need to decide if YOU can get past it before you do anymore talking with your DH, you're furious with him, and talking to someone else without the focus of your anger being there might help you see it differently or decide you can only get past it by leaving. Since this is about your feelings, I'd seek individual counselling first to work through them.

SpecialStains · 10/08/2016 15:17

I hope my DH doesn't feel this way about me. I have had such a rough pregnancy and hated every moment of it. I'm not prepared to do it again. Previously, we'd discussed having 2 DC close together and I know he'd still like a 2nd, but I can't and won't and don't want to do it. Should my DH leave me because my feelings on it all have changed?

iloveberries · 10/08/2016 15:17

YANBU

Gosh OP there are some women on here being very judgemental of you.

Nedshead - it's not dramatic for the op to feel physically sick. She can't help her feeling and the longing for another child is something that unless you've had it you can't understand it.

OP - I would feel like you. Betrayed and cheated and as though DH hadn't he'd up his side of the bargain. Granted if he's changed his mind then there isn't much you can do about it.

I would weigh up my options very very carefully if I were you.

I would also talk to him about how much easier life would be with a 4 and 7 y/o say.

On the flip side I am pg with DC2 after a 7 yr gap (and 6yrs of being desperate for another so i understand how you feel) and whilst over the moon to be having a baby there is lots I will miss about my "only" child.

If DPs only reason is he doesnt want to "go back" remind him that 2 yrs is such a small time in the scheme of life.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/08/2016 15:25

I can understand the need for a second child (never happened for us) and your disappointment, but his only other choice would be to have a child he doesn't want.

He's allowed to have feelings and for those feelings to change over time. How would you feel if he wanted that 2nd child and you didn't anymore? Would you have one just to keep him happy?

You need to talk about it honestly and work out how to move on from it, you cant and shouldn't try to change his mind.

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 15:25

Before marriage I said that I believed in adoption and if we couldn't have 2 I'd want to adopt. My ex agreed, but then kept changing mind through our marriage. We have 2DCs, but marriage ended. Mainly through his instability and need to control everything (and affair with subservient OW).

Hockeydude · 10/08/2016 15:29

He's cheated you out of one of your major life dreams. I'd divorce him.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/08/2016 15:29

YANBU.

splendide · 10/08/2016 15:33

Koala, I don;t think he has changed his mind after one. The OP talks about her youngest so they have at least two.

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