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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

201 replies

flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 14:15

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 18:24

That last sentence should say sorry not dripfeeding but i am trying to respond to your questions.

Also im having delayed responses as been in the park all afternoon and data is rubbish.

But thanks for all the responses and the support, its been interesting to read about those of you who felt the same and got through it in different ways and that im not alone in feeling like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 18:25

My phone is going to die but i will respond again when i get in.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 10/08/2016 18:33

Leave him and get more

It really isn't simple in your late 30s to just find someone you want to have (more) children with. The other option is for the OP to leave him, use a sperm donor and go it alone. Neither of these is straightforward or easy.

Personally OP I think YABU but then again it isn't a situation in which reason will be your prime motivator.

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 18:48

Well certainly sounds like you kept your end of the bargain up op.
He seems to think that you will 'just get passed it' first he realise it's because you feel he tricked you? If he doesn't get how you feel how can he try and 'fix' things.

What is your relationship like with out this issue?

Sallystyle · 10/08/2016 18:54

He should have told you he never wanted more and it wasn't an option.

Fair enough if he thought he wanted them and changed his mind, but he didn't did he?

He let you wait and think more children were on the cards when he knew all along that they weren't.

I couldn't remain married to a man who would do that to me.

How anyone can think that he isn't an absolute cunt for doing that to you I don't know. He hoped you would forget about wanting more children (Hmm) and didn't have the decency to tell you years ago he didn't want more children.

Sallystyle · 10/08/2016 18:56

Sorry, that post is a mess but I hope you can understand the gist of it.

Radyward · 10/08/2016 19:03

Your husband is perfectly entitled to change his mind.ok he might have been undecided hence the ' string along '.
Go ahead let it eat you up , destroy your only child's home life , just because things haven't materialised how you want things. Be grateful you have a dc. Don't destroy what you have and make your child live part time with both their parents that's what you are looking at .
Get a grip and work on yourself and your marriage .rage of that magnitude is totally unhealthy

Lightbulbon · 10/08/2016 19:13

Given your subsequent posts I think you should leave him.

He sounds very controlling.

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 19:17

I posted earlier about him being queitly controlling. My ex was the same and kept avoiding issues hoping they'd go away. It's much harder to have a relationship with someone who does this as you never really know where you stand. It's how my ex had affair and I couldn't spot behaviour changes as cold and calculated lying was part of him.

I'd get out as I think your anger may be because he's not straight with you at all. Willing to be corrected!!

If you then never have another relationship (unlikely) and don't have another child (up to mid-40s is possible for some) then at least you won't feel supressed anger at being with a silent controller?

mathsmum314 · 10/08/2016 19:17

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind or being unsure. You both want different things, its not his fault.

When people get older its perfectly normal to start thinking, could I go through all that again for another 18 years. Its hard work and it gets harder when your in your forties & fifties.

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 19:17

*quietly!

AyeAmarok · 10/08/2016 19:26

I think YABU about your entitlement to mire children so you can justify being a housewife.

But he doesn't sound very nice either.

allthatnonsense · 10/08/2016 19:27

YANBU to feel angry and disappointed, but neither is your husband BU to not want more.

You have to decide whether you can accept it without becoming bitter and resentful.

Flowers
VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 19:31

Your set up sounds like my idea of hell but if it's what you wanted then I can see why you feel the way you do.

Have you said how old you are because your window of opportunity to have more children may be dwindling.

You really must face the prospect that you have to choose between staying with your husband or leaving him to find a partner better suited to your wants.

SlightlyperturbedOwl · 10/08/2016 19:40

I get where you're coming from, it's a trust issue as well as the urge to have another child isn't it. As a PP has suggested I really recommend a couple of individual counselling sessions to talk it through with someone neutral. They don't need to cost much and will enable you to be totally honest with yourself. That should then enable you make a rational decision about what to do. (I tried this recently for the first time for something that I thought was quite trivial but had been stewing over quietly for 30 years. Was so helpful in helping me unravel my feelings -I wish I'd gone before).

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 10/08/2016 19:41

He sounds controlling from your last posts OP. I don't think I'd like to be married to someone like that, regardless of the TTC / not TTC situation.

wait68 · 10/08/2016 19:43

Yanbu. In your shoes I'd stay with him and change all the arrangements you had before to see how he feels if the tables are turned on him. Stop being a stay at home housewife. Go out to work, send children to school, and find childcare and reverse anything else you had agreed to. He does not respect you and he expects you to get over a decision like that in 3 months. FGS!

Whatthefoxgoingon · 10/08/2016 19:58

Well, your relationship with your husband is not good. You don't want the same things. You want another child above all things. If you're going to leave him and would rather have children with a different man, better get on with it.

To be brutally honest, a single mother of two kids doesn't tend to do well on the dating scene, but you never know!

laidbackneko · 10/08/2016 20:25

flirty Yanbu to be upset with your DH for leading you on. Or to grieve for children you won't have if you stay together. Flowers

Important point is though, you have 2 DDs and are a family. But you are angry and want to punish DH. Where are your DDs in all of this? Children do sense when parents are at loggerheads.

Would you consider counselling to get your relationship back on track?

MunchCrunch01 · 10/08/2016 20:49

I wonder if a bit of it is sadness too, your younger one is 7 and if there are no more you might be grieving about that - even if you fully accepted it, that point where you realise that stage of your life is over is an upheaval. I would see finding a job you love that could use your caring skills would be a big next step - there are plenty of children that could do with a caring person in their lives.

Oly5 · 10/08/2016 21:01

Oh, I think I would really despise my DH too if this happened. I have always wanted more than one and no, I'm not sure I could forgive him if he moved the goalposts.
But only you know how strong your marriage is

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 21:25

Thanks for all the replies as the different viewpoints have been what i needed and now just need to think it all over.

I really wish i could flip a switch and change this resentment but like some have said maybe this issue whilst making me sad is also making me think of other issues like underlying control and outright lying to get what he wants.

Just seems sad to stay or to leave as even with those issues addressed and sorted, i never get to complete my family.

Im late 30s so no magic wand to meet someone else and i married to have children in wedlock having come from a religious background and after being a young single mum, i wanted to do it the right way.. (socalled)

I just know the door is closed and welded shut whether i stay or go and i need to grieve.

OP posts:
laidbackneko · 10/08/2016 21:31

flirty all this talk of so called respectability is really another way of letting yourself be controlled.

Dragongirl10 · 10/08/2016 22:54

Your last post sounds so sad, is there any way that he would consider another child in light of how let down you feel? Can you discuss this at length with him and make him see how selfish lying to you was?

BTW l had one at age 37 and one at 39 so you are not yet too old.

Motherfuckers · 11/08/2016 05:23

Buck3t I suspect it is your own "unadventuous spirit" that keeps you married to him, as that is more of a deal breaker than the OP. Good luck with that.