aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

[flirtygirl]

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

What are his reasons for not wanting another?

I think it's really sad that some women are expecting the op to count her blessings and get over it. Thry had both discussed this and it's completly reasonable for op to be feeling like this as he has now changed the plan - by his own accord and looks like he has been thinking like this a while.

I have two friends in a similar situation and I think it's massively unfair for women to spend a huge part of their fertility 'shelf life' waiting around for a man to make his mind up.

Obviously can't force him to have another child but it's still a awful situation to be in.

Before we Marti, we had the discussion and decided that, ideally, we would have 4 children. But once married we needed to delay ttc for various reasons, mostly financial. So, when ttc dc1 we decided that, all things being equal, we would hopefully have three DCs. Unfortunately, extreme I'll health during pregnancy and several miscarriages meant we had to stop at 2. Yes, we were both very sad at that, BUT, it was the right decision and was made together. It wasn't just one of us changing our mind. I can't imagine how you feel when the decision you both made has been reversed by your DH after stringing you along with excuses for the past few years. No wonder you feel cheated. I very strongly believe that the one who doesn't want a baby 'trumps' the one who does, but to do it in the way your DH has, is very unfair and wrong IMO.

Ah, i see, sorry i thought they had one then he changed his mind on a second. I think once we have 2, then anymore was a bonus for both of us. But it's how the op feels isn't it. if you want more and can't get past that then that's pretty much it isn't it. I know my dh would happily have 10, but he also understands that past a certain number he is unrealistic for what another person would want. i am currently pregnant with 3rd and am 50/50 on whether i want a 4th.

Dutch If your bothered to read my post, I couldn't have any more children. I wasn't happy about it at all. I had a friend at work who couldn't have kids as her dh had had mumps when he was a teen, and was firing blanks. Despite this, she would turn up with presents when any of us gave birth, and was very brave about the whole thing, especially as several of us had babies at around the same time.

I looked at her and thought how lucky I was in comparison; and that just perhaps I should count my blessings and get over it.

I discussed many things with dh before we got married. 30 years on not that many have happened, as life has a habit of getting in the way. The OP can fester or she can look for the positives in what she has. I chose the latter as opposed to bemoaning the fact that I couldn't have more children.

I think it's very selfish to leave when there are existing children in the pirpcture, imagine telling them they can't see daddy every day as mummy wanted something and he refused to give in.

You also risk your current children not feeling good enough for you, they will pick up on it.

Nobody should be forced to have children they don't want or be pressured into it to keep their existing children in their daily life.

I was in a similar situation. Had a miscarriage, DH very supportive, talked about how we'd try again, but it never happened, and he changed his mind. There were other factors, including health ones and I was lucky to have children already but I felt a huge sense of loss and sadness about the family I had hoped for. Loved DH so much but couldn't get past it. Counting blessings didn't help with the yearning.

Eventually a close friend lost a child in an accident. Same age as my eldest. Stopped the world. Stopped me worrying about imaginary children. Shocked me out of it all. Our marriage survived and thrived in the end.

Now DH sometimes says he regrets not having another baby. I actually love him enough to deal with this.

Omg red herrings galore. It matters not if the op has one, two or ten or one hundred children.

The fact is that every woman is born with a finite number of eggs and by child bearing age these die off at an alarming rate, and especially viable egg reserves drop off a cliff after 35-40.

The fact is that the OP's DH has strung her along for seven years of her child bearing age to suit himself, and now has de facto made the decision for her.

The op has been deceived and lied to by her DH.

She has waited 7years for her husband to get his ducks in a row and now after stringing her along, he says no.

Remember women have few enough years to have children. The ops husband can have children any time he likes.

I'm so sorry op. Your husband has lied and deceived you, and as a woman your time is running out to have another child.

Could you have a child without him if you want another?
Go to a fertility clinic and get donor sperm IUI?

I'd leave him for the lying, deception and unreasonableness.

I hope everything turns out perfectly for you.

Yeah, or he changed his mind...

This issue often comes up on MN.
Yes the resentment will build and build to hatred.
And no YANBU in how you feel about this.
How old are you and your DH now?
If you are now starting to really hate your DH then yes it's time to leave.
Time for that final conversation then go from there.

Sounds like you're putting your want for another child ahead of your current family unit, which isn't fair on anyone - least of all your dd. I understand your disappointment but just don't understand why this would trump everything else - how would you feel if the roles were reversed.

I've been in your situation, except dh has 2dc from previous marriage, plus our 5yo ds together - and dh is 10 years older and didn't want to be an 'old' dad (he's now 46). I was disappointed but would never have thought of leaving him and breaking up our family.

As it happened we talked (a lot), I cried (a lot) and I took time to reassure him of some of his worries. In the end we agreed to let fate take its course, thinking the decision might be taken out of our hands anyway as I have pcos and am 5 years older than I was. I'm now 25 weeks pregnant with number 2 and we're very happy and excited, but have remained honest about our fears. I never threatened him I'd leave if he didn't agree, he and ds mean everything to me and i'd never have jeopardised that. But he did know I was unhappy.

How much have you really talked op (and I don't mean argue, I mean speaking openly and honestly and trying to reassure or whatever is needed)?

Yanbu he is being very selfish.

AndNow No he is not. It is NOT selfish to NOT want a(nother) child. FGS!

I normally just read. But I'm shocked by so many of the responses.
There are so many judgy responses on both sides of the equation, and I feel as though I'm about to add to them.

What I've read on here is that the OP has more than one child. That she and her DH had decided upon a set amount and according to the OP he has been stringing her along and changed his mind. 7 long years. Now I don't know anything about their relationship, but it seems there is a communication problem, if he has changed his mind and felt he couldn't let her know that then the marriage has issues, long before further children come along, OP may want to deal with that.

Equally, and I suspect this is more likely, it could simply be that he thought he would want more children, living with children change his mind, but he thought that feeling was temporary but has realised that he really doesn't want to go back to those early stages.

For all we know he could be worried about not being able to spend enough time with the existing children, wife, himself if they go for another one. Or even having enough money, some people do worry about the practicalities. The OP should probably try communicating with her DH to get to the bottom of his concerns if there are any.

It's all very well saying the OP feels betrayed, cheated etc but I suspect the whole situation is a lot more complex than just her side of the story she has chosen to share.

And lastly, this whole thing about leaving her DH. Really? What did we all do marry sperm donors? I don't know about the rest of you I married my DH. There are a lot of things I may have wanted to do, but life gets in the way and doesn't happen - sometimes his unadventurous spirit gets in the way - but I didn't marry the prospect of adventure, I married him. If Divorce is the go to response to troubles in marriage, I humbly suggest getting married probably isn't for you. And if you are already married, oh well and good luck.

I don't think anyone is being selfish.
No-one is wrong in this case.
He doesn't want anymore and you do.
Nothing wrong with what he wants or what you want.
What you need to decide is, 'is this your deal-breaker'?
If he's really been stringing you along then that is not fair on you at all.
Would you want to start again with someone else who does want the same as you?

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I always wanted more than one child if at all possible, and I made that clear before I settled down with my DH. Since we conceived DC1 easily and quickly, if he'd wanted to stop after that I'd have felt cheated and it would have affected our relationship.

I'd tell him that you need some time to process his desicion and decide what it means both for you personally and for your feelings about your relationship.

Don't make any knee jerk desicion a and maybe consider some counselling on your own or even couples counselling.

The saying to understand is to forgive is what I would look too. To even attempt to forgive and move forward you need to understand why he feels how he does.

I doubt he's actually been stringing you along for 7 years. He probably thought you would have another but gradually changed how he felt. He may not even be 100% settled now but if he is you need to listen. People saying to leave at this point is silly as you don't seem to have all the information (nor do we, how many kids already?)

Also, OP does not say her DH's reasons for not wanting more.They may not have the money, space , time.Maybe her DH wants to do right by the existing children rather than spreading resources even thinner.

YANBU at all. it is certainly not selfish to want more children! Many are happy with an only child, or don't have the option of more, but there's nothing at all wrong with wanting siblings for your child.

If there have been discussions between loving partners that is one thing but if one partner suddenly decrees there will be no more children that is unfair. I think it is a completely false equivalence to ask how a woman would feel if her DH was insisting on more children. Parents may be equal but it is still women who have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, much as these facts seem to be minimised on MN these days! We're supposed to pretend men play an equal part in literally every aspect now...

My exH strung me along for 11 years. I know not wanting dc at all is different than the ops scenario, but he always insisted he did, and every year there was another reason not to, another big holiday, work thing, move house, wedding etc till i eventually said it has to be now as i am getting on a bit and he said actually he never wanted them. I feel sorry for him because i genuinely think he thought he would lie and then it would become true. Like if he pretended enough, or aged enough the feeling would materialise.

I should have pressed him sooner, i should have left sooner. The funny thing is he has just had a baby at nearly 40. So the feelings obviously did change somewhere along the timeline, but sadly it was far too late for me and i couldn't have stayed and taken the gamble that he just might want a baby when i was 40 (altho i am nearly 40 and having my 3rd now!). I also think he will only have 1, which i didn't want either.

It is heartbreaking to want something so much and have to make a choice like that tho. The divorce nearly killed me.

Plus being realistic, most marriages end at some point. A DH's decision that you have no more children could affect you long after he is gone. And he will still be able to change his mind with a new partner...

Snowy, OP mentions three children in other threads, one with SEN plus she home educates so presume she doesn't work. Im guessing the DH feels he has enough on supporting all that without adding more to the mix.

He doesn't need a reason though, if he doesn't want a child then he is very right to say no.

scary I did read your post and my post still stands. How you deal with issues is your prerogative not every one can do the same as you.

Would you feel the same way if positions were reversed? If you had posted that you didn't want another child and DH was pressuring you to there would be plenty on here telling you to leave him.

You have 3 children including one with SN? Is that right, OP?