aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

[flirtygirl]

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

No one should ever be forced, guilted, coerced or tricked into conceiving a child they don't want.

You may find after one he changed his mind but hoped he could change it back as he knew how important it was for you. He may have been telling himself I will be fine with it once X is done I'm sure.

You seem very angry and resentful. You need to discuss this properly with all cards on the table or your marriage will implode fast.

Be careful with your future for all your sakes and find a solution you can live withMy mum guilted my dad into having a child he didn't want. He left when said child was 6 months old.

So he's given you three months to get over not having more children and then you have to 'move on'?

He sounds arrogant and controlling. It sounds like you've had enough and need the relationship to change (or even end).

Sounds to me like you don't actually like the life you signed up to (50s housewife) and it would only be bearable if you had more babies to give it purpose. Now your youngest is getting older and more self sufficient (though you've kept her quite dependent by home educating - why?) and you're starting to feel like your end of the bargain was a crap one. You're right. You're living your life according to someone else's values and I'm not sure what ties you to your husband apart from tradition and the child you have together.
Life doesn't work out the way we planned much of the time. You have 2 kids and you're still young. How about you get back into a career and focus some energy on yourself? Your daughter can go to school and you don't need his permission to use childcare.

I'm really surprised at the amount of people telling you you are being unreasonable OP!

You are absolutely not.

And as for the outrage at saying you'd like to punch him, Jesus people say this in RL all the time and people don't take it literally ffs.

Your h lied to you repeatedly as you say. He made it sound like he was 100% with you and your family plans and you of course feel in despair and furious now that he's gone back on this.

The 'housewife' thing is a red herring, absolutely irrelevant and posters shouldn't focus on that being your 'problem'!

I'd say the resentment will kill your marriage unless you can have some really honest talks and he can truly understand your pain.

I'm sorry for the way you're feeling.

I would leave him regardless OP as he sounds awful.

It takes two to have children and if one side doesn't agree with more, you need to stick to it. DH wanted more but my health will not allow it and a pregnancy could have serious medical implications which I don't want to face. So he's fine with one child and we enjoy what we have instead of dwelling on what's not possible.

snap people do not say they feel like punching their husband / wife "all the time in RL" among people I know . I have never once heard anyone say this about their husband / wife. If I did, I'd be really surprised and concerned about the level of their anger towards them. I never said it was wrong to think "I feel like punching him (but never would)" I merely said it was completely bizarre that the op would want to make another baby with someone she feels so much anger for.

Anyway, I've already said I think the OP's DH sounds controlling. It sounds like a horrendous situation and I am not surprised her feelings (which have probably had to suppressed over the course of their marriage while she tries to be a "1950s housewife" to his "Disney dad" in her words) are all over the place.

That blush should have been a . I'm not embarrassed I have never heard a friend say this about their husband / wife.

I think you've got 2 questions to think about - the relationship, and what you want from the rest of your life - prioritise and go after that. I love children, I'd like a 3rd but it won't happen for various reasons and if I start to miss small children too much, I'll find a way to volunteer or work with them - it's not the same but it might tide me over until I get some gc (if my dc want that)

Motherfuckers clearly that depends on what you consider to be more important. The person you intend to spend the rest of your life with or being adventurous for the sake of it. My marriage has compromises but I'm content. Wanting to have your own way all the time is very childish imo and not even trying to see the situation from someone else's position also is. The thing is at the time my DH was putting things off, I knew him well enough (which kind of helps) and I spoke to him about his feelings to what essentially I was planning.

The story that the OP has posted, says to me that her DH didn't feel comfortable discussing this at all. He could have felt so cornered that putting it off was the only option. Maybe he's a wuss I don't know but why doesn't she know this about her DH? Is it because they don't speak to eachother about these things? She just assumed something decided over a decade ago will still hold true today. 5 years wasted? really? and she bears no responsiblity? and should just leave him. Way to take marriage seriously. All the others that says she and they need councilling are right.

I may not live in the style of a 1950s housewife, but I feel quite traditional about staying married if I can, I made my choices and thus far am happy but thanks for your counsel, I may just be less adventurous than I thought I was.

Do we actually know that the op's husband has deliberately strung her along?
We only know what the op has written and how she feels. The husband's version of events may well be different. Maybe he does have valid reasons and doesn't feel he has strung her along but they were waiting for the right time but the right time hasn't come for him.

The op's reaction is very strong. However OP - you can choose to leave your marriage if you wish. That's your choice. If you are unhappy in the relationship and feel it is a deal breaker - then make changes and leave. Maybe consider couples counselling to decide if it is a deal breaker or not.

It is not fair to try to make your dh have a child he doesn't want. That is not good for anyone not least the child involved.

So leave. Find someone else and consider it with someone new.

If that's not possible then consider some form of counselling for yourself to get over your feeling of loss.

I've one child - a very happy well rounded only child. I wanted a second. Dh agreed to a second too (he was happy either way but once agreed, with no pressure, was happy with the idea) but it never happened. Dd is 14 now so it's not likely to happen now. Fortunately dh wasn't likely to blame me, nor me him - we kind of know but refuse to go down that road. And our relationship was strong enough and not just based on the idea of children to keep going through the times of stress and disappointment. It was hard being around pregnant people for a short while, and there is sometimes still the desire to have had a second, but it was short lived in the whole. Resentment of one person must make it tough.

Hulababy RTFT (full not f*ing). She said he now said he never wanted any let alone more.

Snap - i say it all the time and it's fairly common in my circle. I will tell someone 'oh dh spilled coffee all over the brand new cream carpet and didn't clean it up' and they say 'omg i would have punched dh if he did that' or 'how did you not slap him'. I don't think anyone means it. I wouldn't if i said it. My Mum and Dad say it too.

But we still only have one version.
If that's really the case - and the stringing along is usually quite subjective - then the op still needs to make a choice. Stay and deal with it, counselling and make a decision or leave.

It's very notable that the OP only talks about marrying for family, for children, for respectability, for religious reasons. There is no mention at all of marrying for love or indeed any mention of marrying to be with her husband.

I've heard many people say they felt like punching someone when they have no intent at all, it's a common enough phrase just like 'I felt like dying' or 'I could've died when...'

I will tell someone 'oh dh spilled coffee all over the brand new cream carpet and didn't clean it up' and they say 'omg i would have punched dh if he did that'

If I said this to any of my friends they would look at me like I had two heads! Clearly a geographical / different circles thing.

And I've moved around a lot. So weird that a fair few posters have now said this is totally normal^^ . I think I'm on a different planet sometimes. Do you say it about people at other places, like work as well or about friends or other family members? I'm genuinely curious now, certainly not trying to be judgemental in case that's how it sounds.

Yep, i say it about everyone. It doesn't mean anything. Just a fairly standard expression of exasperation.

This would be a deal breaker for me and I would hate him for stringing me along. It depends I suppose on how it has played out but not to have a second child would not be something I could live with.

To those saying that it is the same as a husband wanting one child more - no, it is not.
The husband will 1. be able to have lots and lots of more children with other women at least in theory, as long as he's still attractive enough to get with a woman of childbearing age, and 2. it is not his body that takes the toll of pregnancy and childbirth.

It is a different thing. To say "I want this thing that will result in more work and/ financial investment for you" or to say "I want this thing that will damage your body to some extent and could kill you, and will also result in a lot of more work and less money for you" ... there is a difference. Especially in a society where women do most of the childcare work.

Of course she can't force him to have more children, but it is not the same. Not remotely.

He did lie as we have had many discussions over the years and before we were married. The second biological child for him and then 3rd, so our family would have 4 children and he has always treated my dd as his own so she calls him dad and theres no stepdad half sister talk. (Just mentioning this as its not been an issue as im sure someone else will mention it). We are mum and dad and he has two dds.

For 5 years since dd was two ttc was discussed but each time was told after house move, after new job, another year passed and discussed again and so on. Only this year, a few months ago he said no never and i never wanted any more all along. He had full awareness this whole time of what i wanted and it got discussed alot as his siblings have had 8 children in this period. I am surrounded by pregnant sil and friends and i think this makes it worse.

Its upsetting and i have a right to be upset and not just be told to get over it. I wish i could, i appreciate my dds and i love being a mother and i know i cant have babies forever and was always planning to go back to work when youngest was old enough.

The poster who said about my youngest dd being 7 and more independent could be right but ive chosen and agreed to be at home as a wife and mother and it does seem a little pointless if i never have those children no 3 and possibly no 4 and when the children i do have dont need me around so much. (Dd1 needs me a lot but can do just as well with a support worker or other carer if i go back to work, like her first 7 years of life.)

So yes ive got alot to sort out.

I did choose someone with traditional values on purpose but i also fell in love with him. He has over the years refused to compromise and i have over compromised on lots, i know this as ive been working hard to make this marriage work.

This just feels like a betrayal and is a massive lie and it has me questioning the whole marriage and those things ive let go for so long and put up with, as i thought in the long term a marriage has ups and down and i was taking a hit on what i wanted for the team, for our family.

I always viewed it as a ferris wheel, sometimes your up and sometimes your down but after 50 years of marriage, would i be thinging of the the ups or the downs.

Now im realising ive been pandering to what he has wanted but that he will never compromise on the things i wanted so this may just be the thing that pushes me to make a change.

As it is selfish and he did lie for years and maybe ive just had enough.

To put it another way if you decide and discuss

You give up a and b so we can both have c ( a child)
So you give up a and b and compromise on loads more

Then you are told no
No c and i never wanted c anyway

What would you do

I feel angry resentful and like a fool. I have been strung along. It feels wrong to me.

For those going back to "feel to punch him", it is a saying like "i could have strangled him".

But that is not the issue, i was saying it as an example of the growing resentment towards him, that im aware is turning to hate.

His way is no more discussion and i get over it. This in itself is making me resent him as i would like to discuss it and come to terms with it but im not allowed to.

I agree flirty in your shoes I'd have lost all respect for the lying dismissive tosser and it's hard to get back from that, and also, as you say him telling you you've got 3 months to get over 7 years of lying just smacks of him massively disrespecting you.

The only bit that confuses me is that it sounded like you wanted to be a sahp and wanted to be a traditional housewife, choosing someone with those same values and wants but in a pp you say that you agreed to to it to have children and like he has coerced you into all of it.

You may have discussed it before marriage OP, but we discussed things too, and 30 years on, some of those haven't happened because life gets in the way. You should realise that surely?