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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

201 replies

flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 14:15

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 10/08/2016 17:13

Not really sure why you want to have another dc with him anyway...

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 17:22

Liiinoo good question, i literally got married to have more kids, i was a teen mother and single parent to one child and i wanted more children so i got married as wanted to do it correctly (socalled). We discussed this at length, and have done so over the years, married ten years now, our dd is 7 and another for planned for when she was two, so he has been lying and making excuses for 5 years.

The hormonal response i feel im not sure of if its because im aware of running out of time but it feels biological, its an urge. I cant describe it any other way.

OP posts:
PitilessYank · 10/08/2016 17:25

So you have two children or three? What are their ages? I ask not because you "should" or "shouldn't" want more children because of that but because it seems like several people have asked.

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 17:25

Dutchcpurage, your correct im angry at lies and deceit and of course never ha ing another child.

Ilove gin i have two children, one as a single mum and one with him, we agreed and discussed three and four.

OP posts:
sausageeggbacon111 · 10/08/2016 17:26

One of the reason I left my ex was because he didn't want more children and I did. If you let the resentment build it will get messy later. For me I would either LTB or accept his position. I am happy now but my older children have had to go without things so the younger ones could have things. Personally I would LTB but that is just me.

scaryteacher · 10/08/2016 17:26

Dutch, yes it is my perogative, but the OP had 2 kids already, and is luckier in that than a lot of people. I think she should take stock of what she has and see if she can come to terms with it. I know it's not easy, but it can be done, and is achievable.

PitilessYank · 10/08/2016 17:28

I know what you mean by that "urge", btw, I had it before each of my pregnancies, and when it went away I stopped having kids. I always say that each woman kind of "knows" when she feels "done" with having kids. (Although I know that not every woman is able to have the number of kids she feels is most appropriate for her, due to age, or partner's wishes, or infertility aside from age, etc. Those are tough situations and I don't know what I would do in your position.)

laidbackneko · 10/08/2016 17:30

Do you love your DH?

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 17:31

Two children aged 17 and 7, 17yo has asd and im late 30s, but husband has been stringing this out last 5 years so im literally running out of time.

To poster who said im direct and hes quietly controlling they are right but i really would have appreciated honesty from him 5 years ago and if this was how he felt then so be it. I may have handled it differently with some honesty.

I feel angry then sad then resentful then feel like i hate him then try to see it from his side , im going round in circles.

OP posts:
timelytess · 10/08/2016 17:34

You shouldn't be denied a child, even a second or further. Leave him and get more. My husband wouldn't let me have another baby. We split up. I didn't want a stepfather for my daughter and I didn't want to have a baby alone so I never had another. I grieved for years. Think carefully before allowing someone else to make that decision for you.

expatinscotland · 10/08/2016 17:36

Sounds like it would be unwise to bring another child into this marriage, anyhow, so on the basis of that, I think YABU. You have two children. Enjoy the ones you have.

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 17:37

I don't know what I would do next flirty, where do you go from here?

What has he actually said and how did he say it?

VenusRising · 10/08/2016 17:42

Flirty, I think you've been with someone who has been stringing you along.

I think when we get to late thirties our hormones go mad and we shoot out eggs like they're going out of fashion, because they are.

It's a biological urge that's for sure, almost primal, and felt keenly by those ticking or having difficulty. Those who haven't had that feeling really don't have a clue.

Those on the thread who say he's within his rights not to want any more kids are not looking at your side, which is that you had previously agreed two and possibly three and he's been humming and hawing and lying for 5 years.

I'd leave him and have another one if you want it.
The feelings won't go away and you're left with the lying man who pissed on your agreed dreams.
The lying deceit and deliberate fraud would do my head in. I couldn't live with someone like that.

You don't have much time left for your ovaries, good luck.

VenusRising · 10/08/2016 17:43

Ticking =ttcing

fuzzywuzzy · 10/08/2016 17:48

I don't think YABU.

We discussed DC before getting together and dp is completely aware that I want more DC and knows it's a deal breaker for me.

He committed to our relationship knowing exactly what he was entering into.

I'd feel deeply betrayed and would leave dp if he did what your DH has done, altho I'm late thirties and don't think I'd find anyone else in time to have more DC sigh I could not live with someone who could lie and deceive me on such an important matter. To me it would feel like they didn't care about me and our relatinoship but was manipulative and controlling.

Your DH could have told you at the beginning he wasn't sure about DC or more than one then you could have made an informed decision, this way he is making all the decisions and lying to get his own way.

Depends on whether you can work thro this. Do you want to?

RabbitSaysWoof · 10/08/2016 17:49

I would have to leave, even if it was to leave and still not end up having another child.
Resentment is exhausting, and I couldn't see that just going away. The person who strung me along for the whole of my 20's on the 'one day' promise before admitting when I was 30 that he didn't want children still makes me so angry when I think of him. I have a child now, but I feel so bitter and cheated, that I waited for him and I could have had more.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2016 17:52

But what if he didn't feel it then? What if he just felt it wasn't the right time then?

Again, have you asked him why he feels like this? Maybe he feels he doesn't want to go back to a newborn again, maybe he wants to enjoy all the things you can do without a little one to worry about. There could be thousands or reasons.

You seem quite black and white with it all and it's very rarely that simple

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2016 17:52

Crazy to leave with out attempting counciling or even asking him why

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 17:54

He said he doesnt want any more children. He said he never really did and wasnt honest with me, he felt i would change my mind and forget.

That part makes me angry as thats a lie, different to lets wait and see, different to after this move or new job etc. He lied repeatedly.

Do i love my husband? Yes but barely, hes difficult and i have truly compromised on many things over the years but i dont know if i can get past this or if i want to.

A marriage has to work for both people and my life centers around him, family and children, this was why we got married, he found a born housewife in me and whats the point being a wife and mother without the accompaning children. Yes i know i have two and should be thankful, i am thankful. However my life plan has been changed.

Yes i do have a brain and worked for years before becoming a sahm and will go to work again but this period in my life was meant to be about the children i have and the children i was going to have.

Maybe without the children, my marriage doesnt add up to much. How sad is that.

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 10/08/2016 17:55

Before I got married we discussed having at least 4 children, possibly more. After my first I thought - you'll be lucky if you get more than one!! We have 2 now and are finished. I don't think he can help changing his mind.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2016 18:01

Feel like a bit of a drip feed but I'm sure it's just because you're extremely stressed by this.

Was what he said during an argument? Could it be said in temper or does he definitely mean it? If it's the latter then that's really shit and leading you on, hard to see a way to resolve it. If it's the former it's a different kind of shit but at least you could work through it.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 10/08/2016 18:02

So really you saw him as a sperm donor and earner, it was all about your wants not his.

expatinscotland · 10/08/2016 18:06

What Dragons said. Probably the big reason why he doesn't want any more.

Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 18:07

My clock is ticking away and my urge is growing, right along with the resentment at him. It been a few months since he admitted to never wanting to have any more children and to having felt like this for years yet saying something else to me.

I told him i was angry and upset with him and he asked me to put a time limit on the feeling saying in 3 months you will be fine and said i had a few months to feel like that, then i had to move on. I said things dont work like that and resentment been bubbling away since.

It turning from resentment to hate as i first said and its now affecting other things, i really hope it will pass and then we are back to a marriage thats can be challenging, but hey thats marriage, two people making a relationship work.

Is this a lie too far or aibu and being overly dramatic as someone posted up the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
flirtygirl · 10/08/2016 18:18

No i earn my own money, not woth but earn money at home and im good with money.

No i didnt see him a spermdonor i didnt get married for that when i could have gone out and just hot a literal sperm donor.

I got married for family and religious reasons, to have more children and agreed to a traditional marriage so i agreed not to work outside the home, to clean, be chief person doing childcare, housework, taxi driver to children, home educating, i do it all and he is disney dad, a phrase i learnt on here and i am a 1950s housewife, and discussed and agreed all this.

I agreed to go back to work when youngest child was 10, to be honest i could have worked outside of the home but he didblnt want me to. I could have used childcare but he didnt want me to. I compromised and agreed but hes going back on that,

worst too he never really agreed he instead lied to get what he wanted in me, without giving me the other half of the agreement, thats what it feels like.

Sorry to dripfeed as has just been trting to sepond to your questions.

OP posts: