aibu to hate my husband over having another child?

[flirtygirl]

My dh is saying that he will not have another child even though before marriage it was agreed and when out youngest dd was 2, she is now 7 and ive been waiting 5 years and now hes adamant no more children.

I feel lied to and betrayed and physically ill when i see pregnant women and babies, im really sad about this.

I resent him and its turning to hate, would you leave a dh/ dp over this or aibu.

Id think id rather be single than come home and see him, when i get back in after seeing babies and pregnant women, i feel like punching him. Aibu?

Winniefostertether i think you are spot on.

I am more like a staff member and need to know my place and do as im told, ie no more discussion as thats my decision and you just need to get over it.

Im support staff or season regular in his tv show. Im incidental.

Just realising my thinking has been so flawed to put up with this for so long and maybe it is an element of me throwing the toys out of the pram but im really hurt and overriding my hurt at his behaviour and lying is a real deep sadness over another child. It visceral and it hurts. Alot.

To the posters saying about how mayhe hes saying it due to unhappiness in the marriage, maybe from his perspective but i dont think so as hes happy when i listen to him and do as im told and he has told me so in those words.

You can't force someone to have a child if they don't want to. Madness. You are being very unreasonable.

yeah nothing you say about this bloke sounds good flirty, won't allow a babysitter? Ridiculous. Fwiw, to me i don't see how he can be caring that much about your relationship continuing because if he did he wouldn't have issued the 'get over it in 3 months' ultimatum. If he was a good man who'd changed his mind due to pressure after finding your current 2 DC hard, he'd have gone about this a very different way.

When i say about compromises sahp and being a housewife were my choices along with growing our family. The compromises i made in additional were having no social life without him as doesnt like me going out with my friends, no outside childcare, he agreed to free nursery hours at age 3 and 4 only because it was free and that was it, so ive not been able to do evening courses or extracurricular activities as he wont allow a babysitter.

This puts your initial post into perspective. This sounds very controlling - abusively so. It's not surprising you feel like punching him, it's a common reaction among people under a lot of mental pressure from someone like this. It's very difficult OP, but I think perhaps your instinct to leave is right. Do you have a support network?

"hes happy when i listen to him and do as im told and he has told me so in those words."

That does sound really psychopathic and weird.

Niloufes Im not forcing him, the 3rd child will never happen, his choice. I have never even said tohim you must, it was agreed and discussed and now he has said never and he doesnt want it.

Hes free to do this but he did not need to lie about it all this time and he did not need to shut down further discussion that may have helped me to come to terms withh his decision.

Maybe he has other reasons but hes not letting me know them. He has simply said we are not having any more children and he never wanted more children.

To those saying ill split up the family if i leave, hell still be disney dad and ill still be only caregiver to dds so nothing will change except not living under same roof and i get to do all the things im not allowed to.

Out now but back later.

Honestly OP? Whether you have another baby or not is NOT the problem here. Your initial posts didn't make that clear.

Your husband is controlling.

What sort of parent is he? Do your DDs witness his controlling behaviour??

How will you cope financially when you LTB? Which children would you take with you? If I remember correctly you have a 17 y o with SEN, he has two DC and you have one DD together? Are his two DC shared with former wife or do they just visit occasionally? in which case you would be moving out with 17 y o and mutual DD? Definitely counselling for both of you (if DH can be persuaded) or at least you. And working out your financial future - presume he may also be paying child support to previous partner and if previous wife might also include part of his pension provision in future. So he would then (if he's adopted 17 y o) be committed to 2x more child support? Would he pay or need to be chased? Would you stay in the home while he still pays the mortgage post divorce? You need emotional and financial counselling.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it's perfectly justified to feel hurt and upset after he has strung you along. That's normal. He has every right to change his mind but as it affects you as well he should have been upfront and honest. I understand you feel cheated.
As for leaving him? Well only you can make that decision. What's more important to you? Husband or children? Having a large family was always important to me, and if my husband said only one, no compromise, then yes I would've walked away. No thee is no guarantee of anymore, but there's no guarantee of me winning the lottery but I still by a ticket each week. In other words - walking away you may have the chance, in the future, to have more. Biologically as a couple, with a donor on your own or adopting. You have the possibility. If you are going to resent him and everytime you see a baby or 2 siblings playing feel anger towards him then you are better off leaving. However, if you think you can accept that you will just have one child and be content with that because you love your husband then stay X

I couldn't agree more with jackiebrambles. I really hope you're either exaggerating hugely, or that the penny might drop soon that you don't have to put up with being in a relationship with someone who doesn't 'allow' you to work and doesn't 'allow' a babysitter. I know you agreed to the 1950s housewife setup, but you don't have to play that role just because you said you would ten years ago (unless you still want to)?

At the start of this thread, I said I had no idea why you would even consider having another baby with this man who you were clearly so angry and unhappy with. I still think that now, but have a better idea of why you are unhappy.

In your shoes I think I would be having a serious think about how the marriage can (or can't) change, regardless of the TTC / not.

Well, we always said we wanted 2 kids. Our son is now 16 months old and in hindsight a lot of things went wrong during the pregnancy and he was very ill when he was born. Chances of a repeat with a second pregnancy are high and I just can't do another stint in NICU and 9 months of stress if we have a healthy baby or not.

My husband would still like a second child, and we've agreed we'll take a decision by the end of the year, but he knows I've pretty made up my mind and he's said he will accept my decision, without any grudges. He's not punched me for this. We have had a few long talks and it's by no means an easy decision. There's no compromise on this and part of me will probably always think about the child that never was, but I don't think I could hack the heartache again.

Marmaduchess, you said: "Think about it, if you're unhappy in a relationship you do not want to cement the bond. Its not rocket science."

So, does this mean that if people get together and decide not to have children, they can't possibly be happy in that relationship, because they have not "cemented the bond" which only having children can do? And that both of them are probably considering leaving to have a relationship with someone else?

The amount of projection from some people and, I have to say, drip feeding and omission of facts by the OP, has proved unhelpful throughout.

I dont think ive dripfed, ive just added more info to answer the questions ive been asked and also when ive thought about the different angles and viewpoint ive been presented.

My husband is controlling i took that as a given living in and knowing my situation. What i did not acknowledge is the impact this has had on me and on my choices in the past and my decisions going forward.

My opening post was about my anger and growing resentment and starting to hate dh and by reading and responding to all the different posts ive come to realise its part of the larger picture of playing support worker in his grand vision.

Maybe im wrong and its not that at all but thats what i can see from your posts and also i know we all have choices with our dp and dh as to how many dc we each have but im just thinking maybe this was my final compromise and yes ill be 45 then 50and ill eventually accept it but i doubt going by how im feeling right now that ill be married.

l really feel for you .....its tough to have your dream finally shattered , but l think the wool was pulled over your eyes for a long time and now you are beginning to see your marriage in a clearer light.

The question is can you see a future together?

Think ive said before that this is it for me as would not have children with anyone else even if i could magically get divorced, fall in love and get married and have children all within my child bearing years left.

As lets face it, a nearly 40 year old single mum to 2 dc, one with disabilities is hardly a catch. I would be nearly 40 by the time i could get a divorce.

I also love my husband but feel the resentment will drown this out, hence i talk of hating him.

In fact i know the resentment will as i know myself well and as ive said this is one thing too far.

I feel i will just hate him and then there will be no love left, if so then the marriage is dead.

To those who said having another baby is not the problem here, maybe you are right but thats how it feels to me, ive accepted and put up with and been living with the rest on the proviso of being a family and growing a family.

I probably should never have done so but i cant turn back the clock. I can only make decisions for me and the two dc i do have to be happy going forward.

Thanks for all the replies you have helped me realise some things and look at other viewpoints and i now know what i will do. It wont be overnight but i will leave. Im a nice person (i think) and as others have said a people pleaser but time has come to think about me. But also a resentful mother does not make for happy dc.

Dragongirl, you are right im waking up slowly.

Lots to sort out and do. But no i cant see a future together.

StillDrSethHazlittMD
To both your questions the answer is NO, and talking of "projecting" , say no more...

flirty I realise this has been a difficult realisation and moving forward will be even harder. There are lots of experienced posters in Relationships if you want to chat more about your next steps.

This thread makes for horrible reading. The view that men are simply sperm donors who owe women children and aren't allowed to change their minds is vile.

Has anyone said that Restless?

Flirty...l am so sorry for the loss you are feeling over the whole situation.....being let down dishonestly by someone who is supposed to be on your side is really painful, but you will get through it and you do have your 2 lovely Dcs.

Maybe try and take a few days away to think things over and see how you feel then.

Good Luck

Anyone who says oh you should be happy with one as some people don't have that don't understand. I have a ds who is delightful, but I really want to have another child and him to have a sibling.

We lost a baby last year which was really hard. I am pregnant now and this is the last time we try. My partner is older plus I don't think mentally I could cope with trying and trying.

I find it really hard that my partner doesn't want to be an older dad so he wants this to be our last try. I do also suspect he is protecting me.

Having children is so emotive!

Perhaps try relationship counselling?

This is not about men being seen as sperm donors.

It's about a couple entering into a relationship both laying open their expectations and one lying to the other to get their way and control the other.

Everyone has a right to change their minds, op's husband however lied to her knowing from the beginning he didn't want children and certainly not more than one. He's kept lying to her to prevent her from making an informed decision about her own life.
if OP's husband had made his feelings known from the beginning the relationship would be completely different.

This relationship is based on a lie to control the op.

That does not make her H a sperm donor.

Vixyboo Anyone who says oh you should be happy with one as some people don't have that don't understand.

Fgs, read the posts people have made. Yes, they do understand, especially as in my case I couldn't have any more after ds; being pregnant left me with an at present incurable, chronic auto immune disease, that has had a detrimental impact on my life, and I was told in no uncertain terms that it was a huge risk to have more children. As I knew I did not have the mental resources to deal with a disabled child, which is what I was told would happen if I had another, I had to come to terms with that.

It was bloody hard to deal with; but there was a choice to wallow in grief about it for the rest of my existence, or to get on with the hand that I had been dealt, and enjoy my one child, or resent him because having him meant that I couldn't have any more kids. My choice was to get on with it. That doesn't mean that after 20 years it doesn't still bug me, but my health and the well being of my existing family outweighed anything else.

Looking at my friend who couldn't have any kids and had to go down the adoption route put it into perspective for me as well, hence the posts. So, we do understand only too well, but try to find the positives in our situations. Don't knock what you don't understand.