To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

I wouldn't do it unless I absolutely had no choice personally. Can you come back home 1/3 of the way through and DH visit you 2/3 of the way through to break it up? Or compress your work into a smaller amount of time?

I wouldn't personally.

Wiping a baby's poo with water doesn't make you a better parent

I can't go for a shorter time, no. It doesn't sound like that beneficial but it's another thing on the CV and I plan to get an internship in addition to the research so won't look bad.

Just go.

When is the trip?

I have to be honest. When I've looked at research about separation from the main care giver in the early years that type of seperation is too much. Potential for longer term effects in your child.

I have done it frequently since DD1 was fought 18 months old. It's fine. They are with their Dad, they are happy and well looked after and I Skype them at least once a day every day.

3 months is a very long time to a 20 month old. It will affect your relationship with her. Are you the primary care giver? If so I would say 100% no.

Typo I meant 10 month old.

In answer to your original question, no way. Dh often works away for a week and that is too much for dd, especially as it's impossible to explain to her why daddy goes away at such a young age. Introducing alternative care and you leaving would be majorly disruptive

Only you can decide.

Do you think you could focus whilst you were apart from her?

Do you think it is really necessary for your future employment?

Do you think your relationship as a family will be affected?

Are you prepared to miss lots of development markers? You will at that age.

Will you waste a lot of money if you go home after a few weeks.

Honestly OP, my gut would be no, it's not a good idea. You'll end up coming home after a month anyway. If you are the primary carer for your DD and do it to the level of attention you described daily then I doubt you will be able to leave her for so long. Sorry.

I am by no means an overprotective parent, and have happily left Ds overnight since he was less than a year old. However 3 months is a huge amount of time for a baby! He probably wouldn't remember you when you came back? To me that's too much of a risk for something that's not absolutely essential.

i'd do if i felt it was going to benefit my career. but whats wrong with baby wipes?!

It's not about being a bad mother, don't decide on what other people may or may not think about you leaving, you need to decide based on what is right for your family.

But do have a real hard think about what it will be like, because it's not about whether you'll miss her (of course you will) but after that long at that age...when you come back you will not be able to just step back in where you left off with her - do you think you'll actually be able to cope with the fact that your DP will then be her main carer and she may want nothing to do with you at all until she gets to know you again?

I wouldn't leave my child.

I couldn't have left mine for that long.

Do it. Three months is nothing in the scheme of an 18 year childhood. Yes she will miss you, and you her, but you'll get over it and she will never remember. Many eg poor South East Asian mothers work for years away from their children and are close. You will be fine.

Three months to a 10month old is 30% of your life.

At age 20, that's the equivalent of 6 years. At age 30 that's the equivalent of 9 years.

That's far too long to leave a baby, they might not evern remember you when you came home. A week, yes. Even three weeks maybe if it was necessary. But three months is far too long to do something just 'because it looks good on your cv'. I would say it would look bad to an employer if they found out you had a 10month old at the time

As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months.

Aren't there other research opportunities? I can't believe that this is the only one.

Absolutely not. You sacrifice these luxuries when you have a baby, sadly. You have your whole life to do these trips, when your baby isn't even one is not that time.

If it was a definite speculate to accumulate, I'd do it.