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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
jasminemily26 · 25/05/2016 22:31

It totally has to come from you and how you feel, every parent is probably going to have different feelings on this one, but do what your gut is telling you otherwise you will regret it either way. I just realised when seeing this post that I haven't been apart from my DD who is 7.5 years old for even a full 24 hours in her life, even thinking of being apart from her for a week gives me a lump in my throat so I would know instantly that I couldn't , but make the best choice for you!

Quiero · 25/05/2016 22:32

There is lots of ignorance about attachment disorder on here. The baby won't get attachment disorder as it's with dad and grandma and is loved, cared for.

This is a situation where there's no rights or wrongs, it's just personal choice. As long as the parent left in charge is willing and capable and baby will be cared for it'll be fine.

The question is probably can you cope with it?

CrockedPot · 25/05/2016 22:37

Only you can decide. Your question is 'would you say someone is a bad mother if they leave their child for 3 months' I would say 'yes' to that.

IslaSinga · 25/05/2016 22:38

I wouldn't and couldn't do this.

herethereandeverywhere · 25/05/2016 22:42

I would say "In no way does this make you a bad mother" OP.

She will be in the care of her father and grandparent. No problem for her - if you want to do it then don't worry about what others think.

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 22:43

quiero I'm guessing your comment was somewhat aimed at me, it would completely depend on the baby's perception so I'm not sure how you can decided that. If OP has been the baby's primary carer or part of the primary care then replacing with MIL isn't a workaround. Of course the baby will be loved, no-one has said it won't be, but removal of a primary carer can have detrimental effects and ones that may only come to light later on in life and actually never be attributed to the baby's (potential) perception of abandonment.

ElizabethG81 · 25/05/2016 22:45

I'm actually chuckling at the craziness of thinking that using water instead of wipes makes you a superior parent, while at the same time considering leaving a 10 month old baby for 3 months for something completely non-essential.

slithytove · 25/05/2016 22:46

No I wouldn't. Not at that age. And probably not for that long. When my dad worked away in Hong Kong he came back each month, and I was 6 at the time.

Beeziekn33ze · 25/05/2016 22:46

Canyouforgiveher. - yes, SE Asian women in London who left tiny children with grandmothers 20+ years ago, sent most of their earnings home (when not exploited and treated as virtual slaves) and couldn't afford to visit until they were themselves grandmothers. Family anxious for money and gifts and having no idea of the years of hardship involved.
OP will your expected career involve international travel too?

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 22:47

Your question is 'would you say someone is a bad mother if they leave their child for 3 months' I would say 'yes' to that.

Pretty shitty comment.

AlwaysNC · 25/05/2016 22:49

Is there anyway you can borrows money from family/loan to take DP & DD with you? Are there any university grants/charities that would enable you to pay to take DD with you?

Salene · 25/05/2016 22:51

My husband works away 4 weeks st time and really really struggles with it, our son is 20 months , he hates being away from him and misses so much of him growing

I think you would absolutely hate it and be miserable and baby would miss you very much

No I wouldn't do it

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 22:52

mango that person was answering the exact question that was asked. It isn't a shitty comment in that context, whether we agree or not.

summerdreams · 25/05/2016 22:53

I'm very suprised you would consider this 'to look better on your cv' at 11 months old I had to go into hospital for around 7 days to have an operation did not see my son and It took around 2 months for him to act normal with me again, I believe he lost a lot of trust in me.

So I think the damage you would be doing to your daughters attachment and psychological stability would be irreparable.

PacificDogwod · 25/05/2016 22:54

Your question is 'would you say someone is a bad mother if they leave their child for 3 months' I would say 'no' to that.

It's irrelevant what any of us would say - it's about how you'd feel, now, when you are away and afterwards. Hard to predict, I suppose.

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 25/05/2016 22:55

To everyone saying that op's dd will miss her mum, were any of you left with one parent ( or other carer) for any amount of time aged 10 months old? Maybe part of a day, over night, a weekend? Did it really damage your relationship with the "absent" parent? Can you even remember it?

squiggleirl · 25/05/2016 22:56

The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so).

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future.

I would worry about your understanding of this research abroad. It might help you in the future. You hope it will increase your chances of finding a job. You need to deal with facts, not what you think something might do for you. If you leave your child for 3 months, you need it to be for something you fully understand, rather than taking a chance, and hoping for the best.

I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.
Water instead of wet wipes and a bath every night are not a sign of dedication. They are parenting choices, and plenty of people do not do them (daily baths are often quite bad for babies' skin).

I wouldn't leave my kids for 3 months, but most especially not when small babies. Seeing their first steps and hearing their first words would not be things I would sacrifice for a hope of something better in our future. I would need something far more definite.

ButtonsAndBows · 25/05/2016 22:56

Hmm can it be delayed or can you travel back, or can you bring your dc? I have a similar ish situation, as part of my degree it's highly recommend to do at least one term abroad,. My youngest will be about 3 then and I plan to take them with me , but if I couldn't I would travel back I think. 10m seems a little young but then only you know your own situation. It isn't the be all and end all, depends how important it is to go abroad. Where in Asia is it? I am sure there must be a little support if you have dc?

ElizabethG81 · 25/05/2016 22:59

There seems to be mainly a focus on how the OP would feel, rather than how the baby would feel. She may not have memories of it, but it will probably be extremely stressful for her initially, then she'll settle into a new routine with your DH and MIL, then you'll return and she won't know what the hell's going on.

I'd really read up on attachment disorder before you make any decision on this. She's at a really crucial age and I just can't see this being a good idea.

OutToGetYou · 25/05/2016 23:00

Take DD with you and put her in nursery there?

Xmasbaby11 · 25/05/2016 23:01

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't even contemplate it. That is a massive amount of time in the child's life and also for you to be apart from her. There's no way I could handle it, it would break my heart, as well as the time the actual physical distance. It doesn't sound essential so I would look for other opportunities.

If a friend did it, I would think the baby was a lesser priority than her work. I would not think 'bad mother', but that they didn't think it was important to spend time with their baby.

MrsSpecter · 25/05/2016 23:02

There seems to be mainly a focus on how the OP would feel,

Are you reading a different thread than me? Confused

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2016 23:04

I would not think 'bad mother', but that they didn't think it was important to spend time with their baby.

I don't think that's a fair thing to say.

There are parents who come home every day to their children but have no interest spending time with them.

Foofoobum · 25/05/2016 23:11

I'd go for it. You might not get the opportunity again and Skype is fantastic for keeping in touch.

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 23:13

Take DD with you and put her in nursery there?

Seriously?
With all the hand-wringing over attachment disorder & disruption to the baby?

How will it be less disruptive for the baby to be taken away from its father, extended family, familiar surroundings, usual childcare etc?

And how on earth is the OP going to be able to fully concentrate on the reason she's there if she's also the sole carer of her child in a foreign country?

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