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Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
GrimmauldPlace · 25/05/2016 21:17

When is the trip? How old will your DC be when you leave?

I personally couldn't have done it. Not for 3 months. Especially if it wasn't essential. A few weeks, maybe.

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 21:17

No I wouldn't do it at all, and I'm VERY much career minded. When you have a baby that young 3 months is a hell of a long time, so much changes.

princess I agree. Imagine 'my husband has decided he wants to go to another part of the world for 3 months, leaving me with our ten month old baby'

but OP you need to come to this decision on your own, so there's no resentment harboured. I wouldn't have even considered it but you need to evaluate the impact it could have to your family and it's dynamic.

MrsSpecter · 25/05/2016 21:18

Do it!

Your child has its parent there providing perfectly good care. My EXp was in the forces and was regularly away for 6-9 months. Its fine. I was there doing the baby care. If your partner is on board and supportive then youre almost there. Go for it.

calamityjam · 25/05/2016 21:18

Do it yes definitely. Its a chance in a lifetime. She will not remember it at all, but if you left it much longer she would. My youngest is 8 and gets upset that I will soon have to work full time instead of being ay uni while he is at school. If you ever wanted to do something like this, now is the best possible time. Old enough so that the new baby stuff is done with but too young to remember for the rest of her life or pine for you each day

NorksAreMessy · 25/05/2016 21:18

Hmm, years ago, when it was all fields round here, a mother came on with a similar quandary. She wanted to do a serious sailing trip.
Almost unanimously we said "GO! You are a person in your own right, your DC will be fine and you will have a wonderful time"

My advice is exactly the same here. GO!
Have a wonderful time...have some scary adventures ...and become more of who you are.

Lightbulbon · 25/05/2016 21:19

As someone who is happy to put a younger baby into childcare 50+ hours a week even I wouldn't do this.

10 months is peak for seperation anxiety. She won't understand and will grieve you. Then she is likely to reject you when you return. She could develop an attachment disorder. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

cdtaylornats · 25/05/2016 21:19

If you were a man would this even be a question. The Black Widow above is wrong, opportunities like this do not happen often, your DH is supporting this, missing 3 months now might give your family a better and more secure future. If you don't go and miss out on the job you want in future will you have feelings of resentment?

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 21:19

Haven't read the other responses.

Me and my husband were both in the forces.
I had to go away separate times for 4 weeks & then 8 weeks in the year that mine were 1 & 4.
Another 2 periods of 5 weeks & 4 weeks when they were 2 & 5.
Away for 4 months when they were 3 & 6.

My husband has done 4 months away every 3 years from when our eldest was 1.

The kids were totally fine.
There were tears on the day and the first week is a bit hard, but they adjust very quickly & adjust just as quickly to your coming home again afterward.

They're with their other parent and can speak over the phone or Skype etc.

Verbena37 · 25/05/2016 21:20

There are different ways of looking at it.....

Female soldiers leave their babies for much longer periods of time....as do male soldiers.

If it's not really necessary but you really want to do it, then go.
If you can't bear the thought of being away from your child, then perhaps don't go.

Only you can make the decision but think about whether your Dh and baby could come for a mini holiday out there to see you for a week or so. Would that be doable?

The baby wipe thing is a red herring.....that's not a reason to consider not going so wipe that off the list.
Spend a few Saturday's showing your DH what sort of stuff you cook for her and make a load up for the freezer. Write lists for him and his mother.
Could your parents/siblings hell with care giving as well?

There is Skype so she could see you every day....unless you're deep in the jungle or the Bush etc.

Other than that, it's literally can you or can't you leave her for that long?

MrsSpecter · 25/05/2016 21:20

If you were a bloke, you'd have your arse handed to you for even considering it

Or not Hmm

Oysterbabe · 25/05/2016 21:21

There is no way I could even consider this for a second.

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 21:22

Completely different ages there though Mango

I suppose the OPs question depends on how much people believe in Attachment Theory.

RosieandJim89 · 25/05/2016 21:22

Not a chance. I would never forgive myself for missing some pretty big things for a better C.V. You would miss her first birthday, possibly her first steps. Have you ever watched the video of little Jon who was separated from his mum for 2 weeks whilst she gave birth to his sister? If you watched that you would definitely understand why, from an attachment point of view, this is a bad idea.

guiltynetter · 25/05/2016 21:23

no way. she might not even remember you when you get back! can't you do it next year so she's at least a little older? I agree with natasha, nows not the time.

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 21:23

Have just read other responses against my better judgement.

As expected, many disparaging comments and utter hyperbole.

For all those posters who are banging on with such gems as:

"She won't understand and will grieve you. Then she is likely to reject you when you return. She could develop an attachment disorder. It's a disaster waiting to happen."

what utter bollocks.

gingerboy1912 · 25/05/2016 21:24

God no I missed mine when I went to work for two days a week.

MrsSpecter · 25/05/2016 21:24

she might not even remember you when you get back

She'd soon get to know her again.

Andcake · 25/05/2016 21:25

3 months is a long time...I found going back to work desperately difficult at 10 months but ds and I soon got used to it...I think you have the right to do it but couldn't myself....

PopGoesTheWeaz · 25/05/2016 21:26

Actually I think blokes do this sort of thing fairly often and probably without the same guilt. In fact, I can think of 3 families from my baby group where this happened for one reason or another. (One was mother and children moving internationally and father following months later, the other was the inverse where father had to leave for a posting and rest of family followed and 3 rd was a father who was offered a job in the US and went for 6 months with one visit half way through) All families are happy, no resentment.

I don't think it would be anyone's first choice but I think you might regret not going. You said 10 months, not 20 right ? You'll have access to skype? I say do it. Your children are going to need you around more when they are older and can talk to you about school and feelings and what not. I think if they get care and love now, you are allowed 3 months to put your career first.

good luck!

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/05/2016 21:26

Go. She won't remember it.

MrsSpecter · 25/05/2016 21:26

You would miss her first birthday, possibly her first steps

You could miss your child's first steps if you leave it with granny for 5 minutes while you go to the loo.

Twistedheartache · 25/05/2016 21:26

I wouldn't want to personally. If it's critical to your career then you might have to, but if it's a nice to have then no way.
Is there really no way you can all go?

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 21:27

As babies they have no memory of the parent going away, nor concept of time Grays.
Within a week of getting home it's like you've never been away.

Mine are now 11 & 14 and are perfectly well rounded individuals with no abandonment issues.

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 21:27

mango
You don't buy into attachment theory then?

spottytable · 25/05/2016 21:27

I am career minded and used to being away from dd weeks at a time, but sorry even I couldn't be away from dd for that length of time