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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 28/05/2016 14:28

Uh huh. So what exactly were you laughing about again?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 28/05/2016 14:36

Misappropriation of evidence and hyperbole. Neither of which are particularly funny really, but then lots of unfunny things (shitty Government policy, for example) inspire humour.

TheWindInThePillows · 28/05/2016 14:37

I am probably slightly repeating what has been said already but:

What is the specific likelihood of this three month research leading to a job?

I could understand having to do a compulsory training period abroad (many drs do this) or for armed services. I'm an academic though and I can't think of any job where this would be really critical, not at the post-doc/early career stage, because you are looking for very specific qualifications and not necessarily a whole heap of research experience (I mean beyond someone who did a dissertation). I know plenty of other academics as well, including those who travel abroad, and the mums with tiny children I know go for max 2/3 weeks, not for months. The dads stay pretty close to home in the first year as well, I would be very surprised if any of them would take off for 3 months.

I don't get the rationale, and so I don't see it as essential for the job at all.

I left my dd when she was 6 months old for 10 days and that was a hugely long amount of time. I wouldn't go longer than that, in fact, I'd go for a week max. It felt a very long time, and I was simply desperate to see her again after this time. No idea of effect on her, except she always has been an anxious/child who likes stability and she doesn't like me going away at all now, even though she's a pre-teen. I still go, but it's not true all children take these things in their stride.

TheWindInThePillows · 28/05/2016 14:42

I've also found that what students think looks good on a CV and what employers are actually looking for are two quite different things, so I would only pay a price (which is a price IMO for any parent to be away from a baby/toddler for 3 months) if it were absolutely career critical and even then I would think twice.

I know tonnes of female and male academics, 3 month trips are not for those with small children or if they go on sabbatical, they take their portable toddler with them and enrol them in nursery there (we have quite a few visiting fellows who have come with babies/toddlers).

MangoMoon · 28/05/2016 14:45

Handsome, don't worry about it - those two posters have got some kind of a bee in their bonnet about me for some reason.

They keep misquoting, misrepresenting & being (deliberately?) disingenuous in their posts to & about me.

You have no need to apologise Handsome Smile

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 28/05/2016 15:34

Thank you, Mango.

leopardgecko · 28/05/2016 15:40

Do the thousands of children adopted as babies grow up with attachment disorders? No, their new parents are given professional advice on how to overcome it and work hard at establishing a relationship. My nephews were much older when they were adopted by dsis and have developed strong and secure attachment. Any issues they do have are a result of their neglect in their early years, but even those are diminishing as the months pass. Honestly, it is not going to cause irreparable damage to the op's dd, providing she returns and works hard at re-establishing a secure attachment. But op does need to understand that she'll have to work hard when she returns and may find it emotionally very difficult.

As the adoptive mother of 4 children (and another 4 children who were placed on a permanent fostering basis) who were placed with us as babies/toddlers I would agree with some of what you say, especially about having to work hard, work VERY VERY hard on the OP's return. You also made me laugh at the professional advice as certainly did not get any! And if we had it would have been textbook stuff given by professionals with no real day to day experience of the situation.

Every situation is different, but my limited experience has taught me that many/most babies moved from their primary carer at the age of the OP's little one DO have great difficulties. Difficulties that of course can be overcome, but difficulties nonetheless.

I do accept that your lovely nephews problems are diminishing, that is great, and most children do, mine too, but honestly these problems/difficulties are very likely to re-emerge during those difficult teenage years, or perhaps when becoming a parent themselves. Of the 8 children we have seen through to adulthood, with whom we have wonderfully close and loving relationships as adults, and are my best friends as well as sons and daughters, I have seen problems resulting from the past they cannot remember re-emerge and create many difficulties for them emotionally. Not one of them is untouched by their early experiences.

I have also been a foster carer for 20 + years and again I truly believe this particular age has the most problems when separating from their primary carer. I realise this sounds dramatic, and I certainly do not believe the OP's little one will have any major, long term problems, but I do believe there will be SOME problems. Most people may well disagree with me, and I accept that, I am just talking honestly from my own experiences.

And so because of my own experiences I would always advise against being apart from your child at this particularly vulnerable age. I also remember fostering a young baby between the ages of 9 to 14 months. She had had such a wonderful bond with her primary carer, from birth, and had only known love and security. When placed with us it was so so difficult as she just could not bond, despite trying almost everything. We eventually did, of course, but when she was able to return to her first primary there was an awful reaction and an even longer time taken to re-bond. Those problems came back with advangence when she was a teenager, again the problems were overcome, but a difficult time for all the family nonetheless.

But for me as a mother who has missed out on my children's many firsts (before we adopted them) is of great sadness to me, and I would give a million pounds to witness their first words, first steps, first smile.

Sorry if this is a bit off topic.

paxillin · 28/05/2016 15:50

How much is this realistically going to enhance your cv? What can you possibly learn in three month that makes such a difference that it justifies such extreme measures? You say you hope it will help, that seems a flimsy reason. Have you researched this? Asked recruiters in the field? Checked employment of leavers etc. as well as job ads and talked to your tutor?

Doing 4 years of research with a PhD at the end of it, fair enough. A year intercalating industry work in the middle of a degree will also do a bit for your CV. 3 month research project? I just don't see it. Never seen a recruitment decision resting on something so minor. First class degree vs. 2.1 makes a huge difference in some fields. PhD, industry year and 1st can be achieved staying at home. Whenever I looked after research students for such a short time we entertained them more than used their skills, it just is too short to be terribly meaningful.

leopardgecko · 28/05/2016 15:56

maggiethemagpie I'm just as confused as before this treat. Most people here say my bond with DC will be disrupted if not scar her for life, but in my opinion DC is young only and if I'd leave her for that long now would be the time and not in a couple of years when she'd be asking bout mummy and missing me consciouly.

We adopted 3 children at the age of 3, and at that age we could give simple explanations as to the situation. Talk on their level so that they could understand, and re-assure. We also do the same for foster children of that age, and it helps hugely. They ask about mummy and we can tell them about mummy. They can articulate at least some of their fears, and we of course can anticipate them and help.

However, when adopting a baby of 9 months, and and also any foster children or that age, we are unable to explain to them, and that makes thing MUCH worse. SKYPE or phone calls mean nothing at all for babies of that age. It just confuses them. Others may disagree but a separation aged 3, if managed correctly, is far easier on the children.

Salene · 28/05/2016 16:11

Leopardg

Great posts from someone with a lot of actual experience on this subject I do hope the OP considers everything you have said. Sounds like there is a risk going on how this baby will be affected

Op you need to decide if this 3 months research that may or may not help you find a better job is worth the gamble.

Lweji · 28/05/2016 16:41

Although that sort of experience is to be considered, it's not quite the same to have babies who suddenly change carers and where they leave to a baby who will stay in the same home with one of the parents.

Not to say it will all be fine, and the baby won't be affected in any way, but it's still not the same and the impact is likely to be much less than what all the traumas that babies who have been through the SS system have.

exLtEveDallas · 28/05/2016 16:52

Others may disagree but a separation aged 3, if managed correctly, is far easier on the children

Chatting to DH about it and he is adamant that the separation when DD was 11 months was far easier on her (and him) than the one when she was 3 years.

all kids are different I suppose.

shiveringhiccup · 28/05/2016 17:01

Not RTFT but I'd say absolutely not. I'm sure plenty of PP have already said but that's way too long for such a young child and will seriously impact their attachment and development. Might help your CV but not much and certainly not enough to make such a huge loss worthwhile. Good luck.

Lweji · 28/05/2016 17:08

will seriously impact their attachment and development.

You might indeed want to RTFT. Grin

shiveringhiccup · 28/05/2016 18:12

lewji oh dear, stumbled into something beyond me I feel!

prepschoolinsanity · 28/05/2016 18:16

so, reading what is being saidhere - a logical conclusion is that for the sake of their children we should ban all women form the military unless they promise not to have kids/ are sterilized.

And my the same token ban all men unless they make the same promise?

in fact, ban all prospective parents and actual parents?

and if not, why would this be acceptable and not the OP going overseas?

tabulahrasa · 28/05/2016 18:33

"and if not, why would this be acceptable and not the OP going overseas?"

Because they're different, military personnel definitely get a career benefit and a financial benefit from postings as they're an integral part of their jobs.

The OP doesn't seem to particularly want to do this trip and any benefits are just maybes and hopefully...

When you make a decision that could have a fairly big impact on your child/ren, it should IMO be for an obvious reason, otherwise what's the point?

MangoMoon · 28/05/2016 18:42

Prepschool, they had that rule in the armed forces for women until 1994 - couldn't join up if you had kids already & if you got pregnant you got sacked (women only obviously...).
Then those pesky feminists got involved and demanded equal rights, damn them.

leopardgecko · 28/05/2016 18:43

Chatting to DH about it and he is adamant that the separation when DD was 11 months was far easier on her (and him) than the one when she was 3 years....all kids are different I suppose.

Yes of course, different children, different circumstances, and your DH's experience is of course just, if not more, as valid as mine.

I remember when my sons arrived on my doorstep aged 3. Of course they were confused, but that confusion could be managed/anticipated, and their questions answered. One asked "are you my new mummy"? answer "yes". Another "are we staying here" "yes." "Am I going back to X's house?" answer "no". (sounds harsh written down, but hope you get my point) Then my baby daughter arriving, passed over on the doorstep, there could be no preparation, no questions and no answers. Just confusion that the familiar face she had known every day since birth was no longer there.

3 year old foster child "am I staying here?" "yes, for 7 days mummy is a bit poorly but she will be better soon". "Am I going back to mummy''s" "Yes, in 7 days time, shall we draw her a picture so you can give it to her." Baby, with us for a week, cannot be helped to understand, and cannot be prepared for being uprooted again at the end of the placement.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2016 18:45

I think the reason an earlier separation may seem easier is because a baby can't tell you how they are feeling and a three year old can, and that may make it easier on an adult.

leopardgecko · 28/05/2016 18:45

Great posts from someone with a lot of actual experience on this subject I do hope the OP considers everything you have said. Sounds like there is a risk going on how this baby will be affected

Thank you so much x

leopardgecko · 28/05/2016 18:59

I think the reason an earlier separation may seem easier is because a baby can't tell you how they are feeling and a three year old can, and that may make it easier on an adult.

I wouldn't disagree with you there. Though thinking 3 x 3 year olds placed together can never be described as easier!!! LOL. I believe you have adopted a little boy too, and of course your experience may be different to my own. However, I have witnessed more problems related to attachment coming out in teenagers whose attachment to a primary carer was disrupted as a baby (and therefore they could not consciously work though the confusing emotions) than 3 year olds, for whom it is dealt with more at a time on a day by day basis throughout their childhood, little by little.

I do realise I am going on though, so will shut up now!

betsyderek · 28/05/2016 19:05

Leopardgecko should be running children's services! It's quite a roller coaster reading your posts. Lucky, lucky children to be safe with you. Flowers

LittleLionMansMummy · 28/05/2016 19:10

leopard my dsis considers herself very fortunate to have had an excellent social worker and professionals have advised them throughout. One of my nephews is getting additional support from a neurologist for problems suspected of being a result of FAS. So I do think that with adopted children their problems are much more complex than attachment disorder and it's often difficult to separate the various influences on them.

I'm sorry you're experience wasn't as positive and truly thanks for sharing. I completely understand where you're coming from in terms of 'first' milestones. I wouldn't have swapped those with my ds for the world. I think this situation essentially comes down to whether or not op is strong enough to cope with the separation. I wouldn't be, but we're all different.

leopardgecko · 28/05/2016 19:13

Leopardgecko should be running children's services! It's quite a roller coaster reading your posts. Lucky, lucky children to be safe with you.

Oh betsyderek that is truly the kindest thing I have heard in years, thank you so very much. Most people think I am a complete nutter!!

But I promise you I just muddle through like everyone does, and get as much wrong as I do right. If however I ran children's services I would sack everyone, throw away the training manuals and start again!!! No more would there be days worth of box ticking paperwork having to be completed, while the children themselves are ignored!!