To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

think the reason an earlier separation may seem easier is because a baby can't tell you how they are feeling and a three year old can, and that may make it easier on an adult

Well yes I suppose that is possible. Pity we are unable to say either way for definate.

DD certainly seemed fine. She was used to co-sleeping at night and being with DH in the day. I left, she did without me, I came back, she snuggled back up to me. DH isn't a shrinking violet and would certainly have complained loud and hard if she had been a mare when I was gone - in fact he'd still be bringing it up now if that was the case! She wasn't overly clingy on my return, no more than usual. DD has no memory of it at all now.

She's 11 now. We've spoken about it as a result of this thread and she bears me no ill will. In fact she laughed and said that she can't believe I went, considering that I am so fussy about how messy DH is - she wanted to know if I thought she'd get the plague whilst I was gone.

Maybe I just have an unusual child. But I see children like this all the time, kids where one or both parents are in the forces. I wouldn't say any of them seem any different to my civilian friends children.

But hey, that's just my experience. I'm sure there are other people posting who have experienced the opposite, and I feel for them.

Havent read the whole thread but an older child yes...a 10 month old, most certainly not.

Will they even remember you when you come back at that young age?

Eve, I've talked to my boys off the back of this thread too and they told me the same - they're not fussed at all.

I do wonder tbh if (generally) serving mothers tend to have more of a proper co-parenting set up than the mainstream 'norm'.
Me and my husband both did everything with them in equal amounts - feeds, bedtime, cuddling & contact, dressing, changing, general looking after them, the cooking, feeding & housework.

When either one of us left the other just seamlessly carried on as normal so there was no big change in the kids' daily lives.

In fact, the only things I can think of that I did that he didn't was to carry them for 9 months and give birth.

ex It sounds like your DH was a primary carer though, or you shared the care?

Mango you didnt ask your children when they were 10 months though did you? As you cant.

Will a 10 month old even remember someone they havent seen for 3 months?

As I have no access to a time machine & my under 1's would be unable to verbally communicate eloquently enough even if I did have access to a time machine, then it follows that the answer to that question is a resounding 'no' Sothathappened.

What I can say though is that they appear to have no brain damage, attachment disorder or mental health ruination at this juncture.

And also that when asked the day before yesterday if they were affected by me going away during their younger years they both said 'no', they don't remember being particularly upset or distressed, and they are not bothered at all by it in the present.

Yeah, similar set-up Mango (although DH was shit at, and remains shit at, cleaning and dressing DD in clothes that didn't make her look like a street urchin ).

I was primary carer from birth to 6 months. At 4 months I moved back to UK and DH remained overseas until DD was 8 months. I went back to work when she was 6 months and my family helped out with childcare until DH came home (after retiring).

He was (and still is) SAHD from 8 months - I went away for 2 months when DD was 11 months old and he 'coped' alone (MIL did come and stay for 2 weeks IIRC). When I got back we returned to our previous set-up. Importantly DD had no problems whatsoever remembering me. One round of 'I went to the barbers shop' and she was screeching with laughter like she always did

If your dh is already the primary carer, I would go.
If you're the primary carer, I wouldn't go.

Will they even remember you when you come back at that young age?

Well the good thing about a human brain is that once you forget something, you can be reminded of it again .

We're also in year 2016, so there are video call apps called Skype, Viber, Tango, WhatsApp and many more that can be used to keep in touch with friends and family around the world. So I'm thinking, if a baby 10m old sees his/her mum in a video call every day, it probably won't forget her.

Another thing we did whenever we moved was to keep their rooms as close to exactly the same as possible, and set their rooms up first in the new houses.

It's love, warmth, familiarity, continuation & consistency that's the key I think.

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head Mango when you say you're set up was a 50/50 split of parenting. I'm a SAHM and as wonderful, committed and involved father as dp is, and he is, he is simply not around as much as me. Our 2 year old treats us equally, or even favours dp when we're together but I have no doubt it would have a much bigger impact if I were to leave for 3 months than if dp did. I think it would be unbelievably distressing for our 10 month old. Someone way up thread asked if there can ever really be a primary carer and I would say yes, absolutely there can. If op's baby is currently in nursery 2/3 days and then mainly taken care of by her dad and grandma a 3 month separation would be much easier to manage.

What MangoMoon said several billion posts ago. I leave my kids with the other parent, the youngest of whom is now 5, for several weeks at a time and have been doing that for 2 years. They are all fine when they know what's happening and there's consistency, and when they feel secure with that other parent. They are not fine when there's angsty guilt tripping conflicted situations or frustrated parents. Sounds like you've got a really supportive partner there OP, go for it and best of luck.

No child ever said they were ok with something that wasnt ok to them to appease their parents?

Not when you are talking about something that happened when they were 10 months old SoThatHappened, no

CommonBurdock "I leave my kids with the other parent, the youngest of whom is now 5, for several weeks at a time and have been doing that for 2 years. They are all fine when they know what's happening and there's consistency..." So your youngest was 3 when you started doing this? Able to understand a lot more than a ten month old. How can a ten month old 'know what's happening'?