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Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
Donatellalymanmoss · 25/05/2016 21:42

Write a list of the pros and cons and listen to your gut instincts.

Derek is right in that this post will soon fill up with pearl clutchers who 'couldn't possibly abandon their child'. But you wouldn't be abandoning a child you would be leaving her in the capable hands of her father and extended family. Life is full of opportunities and very few can be taken up without missing something. I say go for it.

EddieStobbart · 25/05/2016 21:43

I think it's fine if your DH and MIL are comfortable.

BiscuitMillionaire · 25/05/2016 21:44

I read the title and thought, yes, expecting you to say your DC is 10 years old. But 10 month old baby? No. How long do you think it will take, when you come back, for your baby to feel secure that you're not going to disappear from her life again? Skype is not the same as being there (according to my kids).

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 21:44

Mango well no, because it's the people who are choosing to have children whilst having a lifestyle like that not the MoD. I'm not against people having that lifestyle, as mary said 'different strokes for different folks', but I am against people portraying like it has no issues that are detrimental to child development and using anecdotes as proof.

It's a massive decision to make.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 25/05/2016 21:45

My friend's husband had a job that required 8 weeks offshore and 4 weeks at home. My friend commented that her dc were "strange" with him for the first few days back and they were very young. But he had to do it, it was his job. I don't think either of them would have done it if it wasn't well paid and meant my friend could work part time.

What I'm trying to say is I'd do it if it was essential but not if it was just a CV filler.

Madaboutthegirl · 25/05/2016 21:45

Look for research opportunities closer to home. There will be some! Problem solved, and it looks just as good on your CV

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 21:45

OP, it's all down to you & your feelings really at the end of the day.

Your baby will be fine.

It's you that will miss them - it depends on whether you really, really want to do it or not.

3 months passes in the blink of an eye, and it's a life experience.

MrsSpecter · 25/05/2016 21:46

I agree that you should hide this thread and make the decision based on your own specific family and circumstances. You wont get a definite answer here. Its a personal decision that no-one can make for you and no-one here will have to live through.

EddieStobbart · 25/05/2016 21:46

IME it's when they are older that they really really need you, I'd get it out of the way now if you can cope with being away from her.

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 21:47

It also all depends as who your child sees as the primary carer.

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 21:48

When both parents work full time, it is perfectly usual for both to be equal in the carer roles Grays.

exLtEveDallas · 25/05/2016 21:49

As a soldier I had to go away from DD when she was 11 months and 3 years. She has no memory whatsoever of either separation. I can nudge fleeting memories from her from when she was 3, but they are mainly based around "do you remember when you did X? "No" "Dad took you to Y and you said Z" "Oh yeah, kinda"

If you are confident that your DH will look after her (and why wouldn't he) then now is probably the best time for it, it gets a lot harder as they get older.

I have a great relationship with DD, she is my world and we are closer than I ever imagined we would be.

(I have a mate who did 6 month swaps with her DH during the second gulf war - she did 6 months, came home and he deployed for 6 months...twice (both undermanned trades). Their 2 kids were both toddlers at the time. Hasn't made a blind bit of difference to their relationship with each other or the kids)

NicolaMarlowsMerlin · 25/05/2016 21:50

Is there really no way to take her? Sounds like a great opportunity and I can imagine you are really torn. I know soldiers do it, others do it but I think it would be incredibly hard and I never met a military family who found those separations easy. They get used to it but it's still horrid. I left mine regularly at that age for up to a week and they were fine when I got back, but I certainly found it hard (much harder than they did, I think!).

AngieBolen · 25/05/2016 21:51

I wouldn't unless it was necessary, rather than desirable.

10 months is very young not to see your mother for three months. It would be a totally different case for an older child who could skype and chat and have the capacity to remember who you are.

Personally I couldn't do it; it would make me ill. But then I didn't leave my DC for more than a couple of hours at that age. I would leave the armed forces and find another job rather than leave such a young DC for so long, but that's me.

My DC not having a bath every night and not eating fresh fruit and veg would be the least of my concerns.

But everyone's different, and if it works for you and you believe it will benefit your family then YANBU.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 25/05/2016 21:52

I wouldn't do it as I would miss dd too much and would also feel too guilty if I am being honest. I know someone who left her children with her parents for several months to set up a life for them all in another country and even though the kids were young (both under 5yo) it has had a lasting impression on them all.

My dd is 10yo now and the longest I have ever been away from her in one go is 10 days when I went on a holiday with friends. I missed her so much it did spoil some of the enjoyment of it tbh.

AndNowItsSeven · 25/05/2016 21:53

teb months is to young , you can't explain she will feel abandoned and could have attachment problems that could be life long.
If your dd was over five preferably over eight that would be ok.
Any financial gain to her in terms of your future career just isn't worth it.

AndNowItsSeven · 25/05/2016 21:55

Forgot to say I both have attachment disorder and have studied the affects professionally.

CPtart · 25/05/2016 21:55

Only me that thinks it's a big ask of the MIL, even if she offered?

Shakey15000 · 25/05/2016 21:55

This is a window of opportunity that could shape your career. Your DH is supportive, I think better to do it sooner than later. Good luck Flowers

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 25/05/2016 21:56

Can you come home potentially at weekends? I know you mentioned finances but if you could it would make it a little better on her. Me and DD were on our own for 6mth when she was 20mth old but crucially DH came back almost every weekend. It was awful on a Monday watching her go through the emotions of why daddy wasn't there and pretty rough on me. But - waaaay better than if he had disappeared altogether for 6mth.

It is a tough one. Because often these things that go on a cv - you don't always get a chance to do it again. That's why DH left. But that was because it was really essential for his cv and our future as a family. If it was just bcos if would be a fun/great opportunity I wouldn't have wanted him to go (and he wouldn't have chosen to separate from DD either)

EddieStobbart · 25/05/2016 21:58

It's my older DD that I wouldn't leave, she's nearly 10 yrs and at the moment I know she really needs me around. At 10 months she would have been fine with DH and more than fine with DH/PILs.

MrsSpecter · 25/05/2016 21:58

Any financial gain to her in terms of your future career just isn't worth it.

You cant possibly know that. It isnt a fact that can be proven, its a matter of opinion.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 25/05/2016 21:59

Absolutely no way. My husband works away up to six weeks.He's not their main carer, I am. And the kids really, really start to miss him and struggle after three weeks.

AndNowItsSeven · 25/05/2016 21:59

Yes her dd might not be affects but research shows that more likely than not she will be.

francii · 25/05/2016 21:59

Not exactly the same, but my youngest's dad works 3 weeks on 3 weeks off, and also lives a long way away on his time off. DC didn't bat an eyelid at that age and went with his dad no problem every time he came to visit. He is nearly 2 now and has a good relationship with him, is always happy to see him and doesn't get too upset over leaving me, despite having separation anxiety over going with anybody else.

I think, if you feel you will cope emotionally and that she will be well cared for, you should go. It's only three months out of your lives, you will bond with her again when you return and she'll never remember it. How many mums have opportunities like this that they're actually able to take up? Go for it, it sounds like it will benefit your family in the long run Smile

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