To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

*affected

I couldn't have done it. I have to travel for work. My daughter is nearly 2 now and a couple of months ago I had to away for 10 days a couple of months ago. I dreaded the trip and missed her loads while I was away. I first had to go away for work (one night) when she was just under 6 months, so I had had practice. I find more than a night or two away really hard, and so does my husband! I notice a difference in my daughter's relationship with me after about a week away - she needs a few days to get used to me again. For me, three months would have been far too long.

Oh and whilst I have no credentials in child psychology- I think kids are much much tougher and resilient than we realise. The only plus side would be that she wouldn't remember. And 3 mth is not forever but I would definitely be looking to come back several times during that period

I don't know whether you should go OP, that's up to you.

But don't be swayed by fears of attachment disorder. Provided your DC are being nurtured by people with whom they have a strong attachment, the disorder does not usually form because one care giver is not there.

It is far more commonly seen in children who suffer neglect (often in circumstances where the mother is around).

My dad did something similar when we were little. Worked out fine, we barely missed him, but we were pleased when he came back. Mum seemed fine.

There's also a massive difference in being a vital part of your career to 'might look good on my CV'.

It absolutely depends on benefits verses losses.

Is your DD used to been left without you?

I think you do need to consider how much of a difference it will make to your career. Is there a closer option?

I don't think this is a decision anyone else can make..My DS had severe seperation issues and couldn't cop not seeing me if we were in the same room so wouldn't of been an option for me...So you have to consider you and how your DD will respond.

Your DH won't do things your way..He will have to adapt without you there for 3 months without you there but also do bear in mind there is more than one way to do it right .. not just your way.

There other thing I would think about is what communication you would be able to have from where you are going?

As someone who does have a degree in child psychology , I would say that in terms of attachment children are less resilient than we realise.

Eeek, I don't know.

I went back to work when mine were 6 - 10 weeks old and had them in full time nursery. I didn't really love or bond with them until they were around 12-15 months old (just didn't think they had any personality till then and didn't know how to connect with a baby). But I still couldn't have coped with the scenario you are considering. I'd have gone mad with worry and fear for the future.

Assuming you're a normal loving parent of a baby rather than like me, I think the experience will be soul destroying for you.

Go for it and don't be guilt tripped. DC will be with her father not despatched to a kennels FFS! This will be a great grounding for DC's relationship with his/her father and with Skype/facetime you can keep in touch too.

A man would not be subjected to this social pressure to give up this opportunity and other people e.g.: military personnel who are parents (male or female) will have overcome this sort of separation issue.

Kids are very adaptive at this age and DC will soon settle into the routine whilst you are gone and equally into the new routine when you are back.

I couldn't do it personally. BUT this is not because of the children but because of me. I wouldn't want to miss out if I didn't have to. However at 10 months this probably won't mean diddly to her, at 3 years it might do but again perhaps not. Good luck with your decision.

Derek is right in that this post will soon fill up with pearl clutchers who 'couldn't possibly abandon their child'

I couldn't find that particular post.

But really, what an unnecessary dig.

I haven't commented yet as I'm still mulling it over, but why not offer your opinion without rubbishing others, eh?

Such a lot of negative comments on this thread against women who dare to think leaving your 10 month old for 3 months might require a bit of thought. There is actually nothing wrong with NOT wanting to leave a baby for that length of time. It isn't pearl clutching (that patronising old phrase) or mummy martyrdom or even utter bollocks to be concerned about your 10 month old missing her mother or her mother missing her. If it is utter bollocks then what is the bloody point of a parent/child relationship at all.

Yes some people do have to do deployments abroad. But the OP has a choice - she should at least consider what is best for her and her child since she has that luxury.

Personally I wouldn't be able for it unless it was critical to survival/career but possibly more from my own point of view than the baby's. I would hate to come home and see my daughter have a stronger bond with my dh and my MIL than with me - because she would, for a good while.

I also wouldn't want my dh to do it.

And what's with the reference to the women who leave their children in the philippines etc as if they are all grand, fine, everyone's happy. I suspect some if not all of those women are miserable leaving their children behind and their kids aren't particularly happy with the situation either. They do it because it is the only way they can provide for their children.

Haven't RTFT but echo those posters saying only you can decide OP. Whatever you do, someone will have an opinion about it.

Would just like to say however, that I WAS there for all the markers - 1st birthday, crawling, walking etc. And I don't remember a damn thing about them and neither do my DC.

Good luck deciding!

My mum looked after me full time and we can't stand each other.

It's about what kind of person you are which decides on what kind of relationship you have with her.

I'm not a parent, so I don't know how I'd feel, but I do know that men do this kind of thing all the time.

Pearl clutchers always amuses me, just the image of it. I'm sat here in my Kermit the Frog PJs. I'll clutch them instead.

I've argued the absolute toss on this website once because a woman got vilified for daring to want to go on a weekend away when her baby was 4 months old. I'm hardly a pearl clutcher.

If you want to go, go.
Your DD will be fine - she is loved, and looked after by her other parent and a loving grandparent while also attending a nursery; just like lots of children when their parents are working.

If you cannot wrench yourself away from your DD or think you might feel you will forever resent missing 3 months of her life and develop, then don't go.

Don't make your decision dependent on what other may or may not think, or what others say they might do (I don't think anybody does know how they would feel unless they face/d the very same decision).

Your DD will be just fine.
You, otoh have the choice between what sounds like an amazing professional development opportunity which is likely to increase your chances of a job and career progression, or staying at home to watch your 10 month old turn in to a 13 month old.

Having said what I just said, I do think I know what I would do…..
But it is well documented on MN that I did not particularly enjoy the whole baby/toddler thing, so do feel free to ignore me.

I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one who can't remember those milestones Random

I think, as it's unessential, it really depends on the child and how you honestly think she would cope with it.

DS2 would have been grand with that situation and just got on with it but it just wouldn't have been possible with DS1.

I would never call you a bad parent for going, though. You're not.

I can't remember what milestones we had between 10 & 13 months tbh - mine were already walking by 9 months though

Sorry for getting ratty with you Grays, it wasn't meant in a personal way

I lived with my grandparents temporarily when I was a small child (around 1) too for similar reasons. I then did that several times between the ages of 3-7. I was loved and well taken care of and I have a wonderful relationship both with my parents and with my extended family now. Go for it.

I was asked on monday at an assesment by a HCP what my 7yo son's first word was. I had no idea. And i was there for every single minute. I could guess and say "mama" but i really have no clue. I dont think it matters either.

Only you can decide OP.

Personally, I would hate to be away from my child for that long and I'd feel totally miserable and worried about him forgetting me. I also found 10-14 months a really enjoyable age, it all suddenly got easier and more fun and the toddler tantrums hadn't started.

If you really want to go, and it will be worthwhile, and you think you can get the most out of it without missing your baby or worrying too much you should go without caring about what others think. If you decide not to go for any reason you shouldn't beat yourself up either.

My job role involves co-regulating the emotions and behaviours of young people who have insecure attachment styles. It is a massive barrier to education and more generally, to a happy, settled development into adulthood. To say a child 'wont remember' just totally misses the point. If you feel the bond with your child may be affected by going for so long, maybe you could find a compromise.
Perhaps seek advice from somebody with some experience of attachment difficulties so you can make an informed decision.
Hope your course continues to go well.

A 10 month old is hopefully well attached to both her parents in this setting.

It's not about conscious memory as such at this young age, but about feeling secure and safe and loved, secure in the knowledge of the permanence of care givers.
I maintain that that the decision is more about what the mother feels, rather than the child in this setting.