To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

At ten months they absolutely have a concept of people and form an attachment to certain people mango

I wouldn't personally, you could get other oppertunities to travel but you only get to see your baby grow once, I wouldn't want to miss 3 months of it. It's a very personal choice though

In my experience? No.

Every single female service person I know who has been away (including single mothers) have very strong bonds with their children.

I couldn't do it.

Working motherhood is an endless series of tradeoffs. You will always be missing something to do something else. The trick is to find the balance.

I was raised Catholic and have a well developed guilt system. I usually decide these things by choosing which will make me feel less guilty. Then I make a decision and don't look back. All is well so far, kids and career all going just fine.

(for me leaving for 3 months would be too much, but I wouldn't judge someone who did)

Don't worry about the attachment thing. That is nonsense.

mango well I'm sorry but that's purely anecdotal and I'm surprised you've even tried to display it as fact.

Apparently my dad left for a few months to find work in ROI when i was pre school age. I have no memory if this. Still love him to pieces.

God no I missed mine when I went to work for two days a week.

mango well I'm sorry but that's purely anecdotal and I'm surprised you've even tried to display it as fact.

The phrase 'in my experience' is pretty explicit in its anecdotal roots.

What have I displayed as fact?

Do it. Dh traveled 70% of the time when ours dcs were pre school age, they have no recollection of it now they are 7 and 11.

Nope. Not for me.

Actually Mango I was talking about your prior statement
As babies they have no memory of the parent going away, nor concept of time Grays.Within a week of getting home it's like you've never been away.

No, they do not have a concept of time like ours and they don't create memories that they can look back on when they're our age, but they absolutely do change the way they perceive someone when they have been away for some time.

Ultimately it's your choice, but I think that 3 months is too long to leave a 10 month old.

I wouldn't and I don't think dh would either. He's had to work abroad for extended period since we had our DC and he's always insisted that he can't go more than two/three weeks without a visit home.

If I had a fully supportive DH behind me and all the logistics covered, absolutely and without a second thought! Better to regret the things you do than the things you don't, and all that. I'm not one to buy into mummy-martyrdom when a child has two loving parents and a support network of close family and friends.

Sorry, are people really saying that parents shouldnt go away for extended periods? So no parents at all in the forces? No parents travelling for work?

Your child is far too young and going away will damage her. Don't do it. She has no sense of time and whatever she is told she will beleive that you are never coming back and that it is her fault. This will damage her for life. I am qualified in child development and child psychotherapy. Parents often underestestimate the needs and feelings of their children, but no, wet wipes are not important.

Well best you get onto the MOD then Grays, and tell them they're RUINING THE CHILDREN!!!!!

You do realise that the fathers and mothers that work for your armed forces regularly have to go away for periods far longer than 3 months?

There's no point in having a barny over this - different strokes for different folks.

Attachment theory is pretty much fact nowadays but our experiences shape who we are in life - some positive, some negative. It's just the way that it is.

Could I do it? No, totally not and I am very career focussed and driven, 3 months would just be too long for me, never mind any attachment issues that could arise.

And Mango - raising an eyebrow at someone who says they missed their child when working 2 days a week is proper patronising. Just because you don't feel the same way, doesn't mean they are not entitled to their own feelings.

No MrsSpecter, but I think they should think of the potential repercussions of having such a lifestyle. And I'm not talking about anecdotes.

I don't think I could do it - it would have emotionally destroyed me. If you think you can handle it though, I'm sure your DD would be fine.

It seems like you care more what other people think of you rather than how this will affect you and your family?

So what if someone thought you were a bad mother for doing this?

Personally, I wouldn't think that, but I WOULD think there is no way in hell I would or could do that myself. I would be in pain with missing my baby and be fucking miserable after about 3 days and I don't think I'd easily get over it. I'd also be devastated if my baby didn't remember me, rejected me on return, and I know Skype etc doesn't cut it - at least for them. I'd worry I'd fucked up their attachment and blame myself for any problems they had forming bonds in the future. Even if Channing Tatum and Justin Timberlake called me personally and asked if I'd be the creative muse for a hip hop musical they were writing and would I join them in Bali for three months of pre-production inspiration with them all expenses paid, I'd still have to say no. Probably.

But you're not me. Worry less about what others think and more about you and your baby.

Plenty of military parents deploy with babies and little ones at home. It's a reality of life and the jobs that have to get done.

If it will help you with your family's future in the long run, which you have to seriously consider, it may be worth it.

And, no, using water instead of baby wipes doesn't make you a more dedicated parent. I can't believe that was a serious example of how you're more dedicated than your DH as a parent.

Please don't ask here unless you're looking for reasons not to go! As long as she is loved and cared for by familiar carers and you are in touch then all will be fine. Ultimately it's your choice. Your child will nor suffer with you furthering your career over a matter of months as long as you trust the care arrangements in place.