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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/05/2016 21:18

How dare she help out!!

Donatellalymanmoss · 15/05/2016 21:18

maybe she was just trying to be nice.

penguinplease · 15/05/2016 21:20

I think yanbu, everytime my mum looks after my dc I ask her not to wash anything and everytime she does it to be helpful but like you I have to rewash it all. It pisses me off and last time I told her she either stops or doesn't come again.
But then my relationship with my mum is crap so that might have some bearing on it.... As a kid I had to beg for my clothes to be washed regularly and she thought changing the bed once a month was enough. It scarred me forever, I was everything often and her about turn is just her being a nightmare as usual...

penguinplease · 15/05/2016 21:21

Wash everything often I mean.. Damn phone

haveacupoftea · 15/05/2016 21:22

YABU. She was trying to help.

HumphreyCobblers · 15/05/2016 21:23

I would not want someone going through my washing basket. If you have that kind of relationship with someone outside your family, then it obviously would be fine, but the OP clearly doesn't have that with her MIL.

I think it is an invasion of privacy. And given the washing powder situation, it is distinctly unhelpful too.

Chlobee87 · 15/05/2016 21:24

The replies you get here will most probably be reflective of the kinds of MILs that people have themselves.

My MIL is the the stereotypical mum of boys (no daughters) and it's clear that nobody is good enough for her sons (especially the one that I'm married to, her first born). If she had done the washing thing, I would probably feel the same way - that it's a way of pointing out something that I had failed to do. But that is against a backdrop of years of other comments and actions.

If this sounds like your MIL then YANBU. If she is supportive and lovely then I think you're being harsh.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2016 21:24

Unless you're going to start handing out life jackets and a raft, for the ensuing drip feed, YABVVU!

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2016 21:26

The replies you get here will most probably be reflective of the kinds of MILs that people have themselves.

I think they mostly reflect the information given by the OP.

HumphreyCobblers · 15/05/2016 21:28

I don't though, all we know is that the MIL did the washing and the op thinks it is PA. If my MIL did my washing I know it would be a dig, so I replied in the OP's favour. Presumably your MIL would do it out of kindness Worral?

AnnieOnnieMouse · 15/05/2016 21:32

Oh heck, I am your MIL.
When dd and nowexsil went on honeymoon I was sharing cat feeding duties with friends of theirs, who helped me strip the beds, clean the kitchen, I did all the laundry, they helped me remake the beds and stash it away.
They were grateful, but I was careful to use the right detergents.
It wasn't about wanting to undermine anyone, it was just about trying to help a busy family!

Haggisfish · 15/05/2016 21:34

Yabu.

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:35

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think, if I am being rational, I know that she was probably only trying to help but this is against a backdrop of years of passive aggressive behaviour and wanting to be involved in everything- if my dh happens to mention he has a headache she comes round with some paracetamol! My Dh is 35 and more than capable of getting his own painkillers! I just think that I am annoyed because she doesn't seem to respect me as an adult and mother and I am quite capable of doing my own washing!

OP posts:
nokidshere · 15/05/2016 21:36

Good god I would be ecstatic to come home to a clean house and all the laundry done - no matter who has done it.

The only thing in my washing basket is dirty washing.

However, if you don't want her doing things for you then how come she has access to your home?

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:38

She had the key to our house because she was feeding our cat while we were away...yes I know, I sound really ungrateful

OP posts:
Peyia · 15/05/2016 21:39

YANBU - Whilst it is a kind gesture I personally think it's an invasion of privacy and infantising.

I wouldn't want my own mother doing it. It's my dirty washing, let me do it. I don't need my arse wiping either. I appreciate help but ask me if I need it first, that's my point anyway.

bitter experience of MIL washing a load that included my crotchless knickers, hung out in all their glory

paxillin · 15/05/2016 21:39

My parents always used to come, mop shouldered and get stuck in ironing and washing... often did things I never had, like washing door frames or light switches. I loved it.

Dailymailpretendreporter · 15/05/2016 21:41

Yabu

Gide · 15/05/2016 21:41

Does she not know about the allergy to detergent thing? Comes round with paracetamol? Is she feeling excluded, so uses any excuse to be there? I'd be horrified if my mil did the washing, it's intrusive, IMO.

nokidshere · 15/05/2016 21:41

Sorry but if you have a history with her being pa and struggle with her way of helping then you can't give her the key to feed the cat. Makes no sense at all

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:42

Yes Peyla I think that if she had asked if I needed any washing I wouldn't have minded so much, it's the fact that she took it upon herself to do it with the implication that I am a dirty Slattern...

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 15/05/2016 21:43

Hmm I think she was just trying to be helpful based on your op.

Does she have dorm for undermining you?

I would say thank you for doing the washing it was really kind. Just to let you know- ds is allergic to some detergents and the one we use is this one, if you ever get the time to wash for us when your cat sitting again.

She sounds like she honestly just wanted to help out.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 15/05/2016 21:44

YANBU!!!! I would go mental if my MIL did this. I did once come home to her having hung a load of washing out on the line for me, it was only sheets and towels but the principle of it annoyed me. I don't want MIL seeing my undies!
My MIL is like CloBee87's though, I am the inadequate wife to the golden boy! She makes PA digs at my housekeeping ALL the time.
In this situation, it depends on the relationship you have with the person.

gleam · 15/05/2016 21:45

YANBU. I've had this and it was a dig.

Expensive too, as MIL ruined some clothes.

DinosaursRoar · 15/05/2016 21:45

I think the question would be, would it be weird if someone who wasn't family to do it? If say, you'd asked your neighbour to pop in to feed the cats instead, would it be freaky to do it, or would she consider it to be appropirate to do if she'd been asked to feed a friend/neighbours cat, not her DS's?

It is patronising. My MIL wouldn't do it. She might iron washing that was out on the airer drying (including pants and socks), but wouldn't go looking for stuff to do.