To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

[Irishheart]

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

I think you've got the perfect solution Irisheart.

You've pissed off your probably well meaning but interfering MIL who has promised not to interfere piss you off again.
You've got time now to concentrate on the things you deem important, like making damn sure your DH does his share of the chores and childcare, so you can crack on with your work and studies.

Result!

We have household laundry - everything is mixed together so no, I don't want any of the laundry being randomly faffed with. Raiding my home for a subset of laundry that you thought might belong to a particular person would be very weird and probably inaccurate.

If my DP or DC gave you permission to do their laundry, having sperarated it out themselves for you - then all power to you and them.

I'm laughing at the people on this thread that think it is perfect normal and acceptable to root through their DIL's dirty knickers. It all sounds a bit bloody odd to me.

What exactly is so intimate and embarrassing that you would really care? I just don't understand all this invasion of privacy stuff. You're not special, you know. Everyone's laundry is pretty much the same. She washed her son's clothes for years. She gave birth to him. What exactly are you so upset about? That she knows you wear pants? That she's seen your socks? She knows you sleep with her son and have had his children. She's just done some washing. Be grateful. Relax. Remind her about the allergies.

In the first place, it's not a matter of being embarrassed. It's a matter of having strong preferences about how my clothing and bedding are washed, using which products, using which temps and settings on the machine, and which methods of drying.

I have vintage linens, very expensive bedding, jeans that fit just-so and favorite jersey tops that are 15 years old and look brand-new specifically because I am painstaking about how I manage the laundering, drying and ironing of all of the above items and more. No one rummaging in my baskets would have any idea how to treat most of the items.

I'm frankly not so incompetent nor desperate for assistance that any bumbling interference would be looked upon with gratitude. If someone wants to make herself useful she can bloody well ask me how to go about doing so, not barge in where unwanted.

Yuck "ripped me a new arsehole" "looking after her sprog" Are you always so polite iknownuffink

I wouldn't like it. It would feel like an invasion of privacy. I think she was trying to be nice, but can your dh have a quiet word with her? "It was very thoughtful of you to do our washing, but x was really embarrased about it, so please don't do it again".

"What exactly is so intimate and embarrassing that you would really care?"
For a start, bedsheets with semen stains!

"Personally, I have no patience with people who can't think beyond themselves and the fluffy glow they get out of delivering their considerate gestures"

That reminded me of Katherine in the Malory towers series. The martyr who always wants to help others, but doesn't see that she often just pisses them off instead. Like when she keeps sharpening Belinda's pencils for her, even though Bellinda is an artist and keeps explaining she likes to keep certain pencils blunt for shading.

Yabu to think she was being passive aggressive, she was trying tohelp you. Would you be as bothered if your dm did your laundry? Or is that different because she's your dm? In the event of your dm doing your laundry, what if it bothered your dh?

I wonder if there would be so many negative replies (meddling, interfering, aggressive) if the person who did the wash was the OP's mother not MIL?
Why do people feel so insecure about who they are as a person that the simple act of someone helping is seen in such a negative light? the act of doing a load of washing in itself is not a terrible thing?
OP I sincerely doubt the person who did the laundry took the laundry away and did it up at her own place, she would have most likely used your supplies at your own home. The bit about the allergies and having to redo it all certainly adds drama and embellishes the evil MIL story.

OP may have more than one sort of washing powder at her house.

We have the washing powder I like using. We also have some horrible strongly scented washing powder that DH bought.

Someone else coming into our house wouldn't know which washing powder was the one I preferred.

Out2pasture, the issue was that the OP's dcs are allergic to the powder used.
Maybe the OP's mother would a) know about the allergy, and b) also give a damn enough not to blast ahead "doing good" or maybe c) she would just let her dd be the adult and manage her own affairs as she sees fit.

The issue is that the mil a) didn't bother ever finding out the facts about the allergies, and b) if she did, she didn't respect the dcs conditions enough to stop and think she may be adding to the problem rather than actually helping out, also there is a strong implication that c) she still sees the OP's DH as her ikkle wikkle son, who needs his mummywummy to rescue his socks.

All highly disrespectful of the child's skin allergy, and the way her DIL and her DS manage their own affairs.

i'm sure the MIL knows about the allergies and most likely used the soap available in the home.
the OP is clearly insecure in her role because doing someone's laundry really is nothing but trying to be kind and helpful.

YANBU. As a few people have said, it isn't about MIL's intent, it's about her not thinking beyond her own self gratification in doing a kind act and really considering people's right to a bit of privacy in their own home. I agree with the poster who said if a neighbour wouldn't do it without asking, neither should a MIL (or mother for that matter). I think it does make a lot of people feel vulnerable to know another person has seen their dirty knickers. I also think a lot of parents of adult children see their children's houses as extensions of their own, and they're not!

If it was my own mother, I would have a word with her myself. If it was mil I would think it was more dp's place to say something.

"I think it does make a lot of people feel vulnerable to know another person has seen their dirty knickers"

^This. It was a long time before dp and I shared loads of washing. We used to have seperate baskets, and I would panic if he'd done a load for me "fuuuck did he see the pants from last night when I had heavy discharge" but eventually it became different than anyone else seeing them. I've seen his pants at their worst too. I'd be mortified if mil saw my dirty pants, but don't think she'd cross that line.

I would hate this, I am a private person and don't want anyone going through my dirty washing. My MIL is a lovely lady but she is always desperate to "help" and cannot just visit, play with the DC, be given cups of tea etc. Like you OP, I am very independent and like to do things by myself - I find her need to be needed infuriating. I do think it comes from a good place, but I also think there is an element of selfishness there too, as she must have realised by now that I don't actually want any help, but she still insists!

"Personally, I have no patience with people who can't think beyond themselves and the fluffy glow they get out of delivering their considerate gestures. A intelligent person would give a moment's thought to whether the recipient of the considerate gesture actually wants it or not. And if in doubt, they would ask."

This!

Out2pasture I read it the mil did take it to her own house and used her own detergent even knowing about the allergy issue.

Reasons mil's may not want to - semen stained sheets and saucy underwear (pp mentioned crotchless panties)

My dd and I are allergic to different detergents so there's 2 in my house, in addition we're so allergic even with re-washing it wouldn't be worth the risk so they'd have to be thrown/given to charity.

I wouldn't be happy about this but it could be worse. My (now ex) Mil

Rewashed my laundry as 'you didn't do it quite right'
Rearranged my kitchen as 'my way makes more sense'
Rearranged my living room so the seat she liked to sit in had the best view of the TV.
Ruined a new set of non-stick pans by washing with wire wool!

"Personally, I have no patience with people who can't think beyond themselves and the fluffy glow they get out of delivering their considerate gestures. A intelligent person would give a moment's thought to whether the recipient of the considerate gesture actually wants it or not. And if in doubt, they would ask."[Bibbity]

I agree ^^.

I would find someone else to feed the cat next time, and I would ask for your key back.

I would also sit down with your DH and have a long talk with him. If you're not mad with him for letting his mother stick her nose in where she's not welcomed by you, then you should be. If she tries to tell you again that you don't keep house the way she would like to see, then your DH needs to tell her that actually he is very happy with the love of his life, and to back off.

And YYY to you and DH sharing chores properly. When do you find the time to sleep?

Depends. If my MIL did it (which she wouldn't dream of unless I asked) it would be out of a genuine desire to help.

If my mother did it, it would be a dig.

I think it really does depend on the person helping

When my stbxh was in hospital and I was visiting regularly my friend used to come round to watch my DC. She cleaned the bathroom, hoovered,washed up etc She did the t completely out of love and to try and help me out. If my dad had done it I would have died of shock it would have been presented to me in a way that would have left me in doubt that it was yet another thing that proved how shit I am at everything.

She really did take the washing to her house and used her own washing powder and machine etc- we had to go to her house and pick it all up!
Thank you for all the replies, both supportive and those saying I'm a horrible dil. It gave me perspective and made me think about how I need to accept help every now and then because I am struggling to do it all. I also think that, no matter the relationship between a mil and dil, there are boundaries and that she should have asked if I needed anything doing rather than taking it upon herself to do something. As for sleep, what's that?! I haven't had a decent nights sleep in 4 years (and yes I know I need to take that up with my dh)!

YANBU - only because I'm thinking I wouldn't want someone going through my dirty underwear (not that they're dirty but you know what I mean, even if it was to try and help out.

Jesus Christ! "poor woman"? "Considerate gesture"? Come off it. OP, people are just replying based on their own MILs or from doing things themselves.

My MIL is lovely beyond belief and I'm blessed to have her in my life, but my mum isn't - my husband does not have the same MIL experience! For some reason people don't like to admit that there are unpleasant people out there.

Only you know her personality by now so you're really the only one who can judge ... If she's generally "off" with you then yes - this was probably PA too; doing something she knows she wasn't asked to do, knowing it will seem like a dig and then acting innocent and upset about it.

Come on though - who the fuck does someone else's private laundry without asking?

As for "The mother of the father of your children has done something to help you" - "she gave birth to him" - oh do give over. Doesn't he have an identity of his own? He's not her pet and the DIL has a right to privacy.

DF did this one time to me. He was feeding the multitude of hamsters while we were on holiday. He went into my bedroom (which gave me the rage - there was no need) and took some clean, folded clothes that I had left on my bed, having decided at literally the last minute that I wasn't taking with me, home with him and washed them in a detergent to which I was allergic - as he well knew. I had to wash them again when i came home and he had shrunk a couple of tops by boil washing them, which is how he washed everything he owned. He reason for being in my bedroom was to make sure I had shut the windows before I left - he took the clothes 3 days after I had left. I was furious, he was petulant for weeks afterwards. I was a bad daughter and ungrateful and had too many clothes anyway.

DM would have emptied my washing basket while I was on holiday, but I know that she wouldn't have used the wrong detergent and would have done it to be helpful. DF was just being nosy. (My parents were divorced.)

Depends on a combination of the underlying relationship and your own set of boundaries around 'privacy'.

I have a lovely '2nd Mum' - we live a long way away from my nuclear family, and there is an extended family member of my Mum's generation nearby who I've become very close to over the past decade or so, and is very much a 'granny' for DD. Whenever she visits she heads straight for any washing up that's in the sink (and has been known to clean the bathroom while babysitting!).

Yes, there's a bit of me that feels 'judged'... but I know that she likes and 'approves' of me in general, and also does whatever she can to help in all sorts of ways. So in the end I was able to give up caring what her opinion of my washing up was (she is more 'structured' than me with housework and child care! But lovely and emotionally warm with it), and be glad that's one less thing to do. In fact, at Easter she and her daughter came round, she headed straight for the washing up and her daughter and I had a joke about it...

So YANBU - sounds like both the underlying relationship AND specific boundaries were way off for you, and DH needs to understand that (even if he has different boundaries).