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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
Peyia · 16/05/2016 18:33

phlebasconsidered I agree. Once I involved her properly (weekly face time, texts) our relationship improved.

She is a godsend and helps us out ALOT but there are times where she does cross boundaries, doing stuff my mum wouldn't dare doing because I'm an adult - one example is reminding us to send thank you cards within days of receiving a gift from a relative. Or asking if I'm sure about how I'm bathing my newborn and then hovering (and whincing, making me nervous) whilst I done it for the very first time.

I'm fairly laid back so often bite my tongue, but to someone else, all of the above would be considered intrusive and could fraught a relationship. I have to remind myself that my H is her baby and she raised him bloody well, so will always be grateful to her but I should be allowed to say no thank you to help without a strop, just like the OP.

momtothree · 16/05/2016 18:36

Those of you who "help" by doing someone's else's smalls - what would you think of they returned the favour??

swelchphr · 16/05/2016 18:38

I would be concerned about the powder (unless she used what you already had). I wouldn't be offended by it though.

TheEmmaDilemma · 16/05/2016 19:09

There a million things I wouldn't be to worried about my MIL doing in these circumstances.

But please don't touch my smalls. It's just a step too far for me. My underwear. I don't really want anyone else handling it. It's just my preference. And I don't think it's one most people don't get?

TheEmmaDilemma · 16/05/2016 19:12

'We're staying over and I did the dishes from last night' - Thank you so much.

'We have our own key and I fished through your dirty knickers etc. to wash it for you when I popped in to feed the cats.' - Errr pardon?

I have keys 3 of my neighbours for cat duty. I don't fucking route their washing bins to help them out. Too me it's just such a personal thing.

Summerblaze100 · 16/05/2016 19:19

My MIL noticed my ironing pile last week and came back during the day while I was at work to iron it all.

Bloody fab. If it was supposed to be passive aggressive, I don't really care Grin.

fryingtoday · 16/05/2016 19:25

Chill. And inform her about allergies for next time so you in fact have one less job to do. Embrace the help, who cares if she thinks she's making a point, ignore it and tick off a job!

ollieplimsoles · 16/05/2016 19:33

If I let my mil do anything around my house, she would spend the entire time complaining while she was doing it, then she would tell every extended family member how much me and dh need her and how we just can't get by without her.

Some dils are sick of being treated like children

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/05/2016 20:17

Agreed Emma, only a very small number of people don't get it. And they must be lacking an emotional intelligence/empathy gene, that's for sure.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/05/2016 20:23

For the avoidance of doubt:

Opening the front door, seeing post on the mat and picking it up = fine.

Noticing a plant wilting in the heat/dry weather and watering it = fine.

Clearing up cat sick = fine.

Going upstairs, looking through laundry baskets, taking stuff away to wash, dry and iron in any way you see fit = incredibly rude and annoying.

For the future parents of adults out there (and I sincerely hope to be one one day), for the avoidance of any doubt, don't take it upon yourself to "help" your adult child and his or her family without being certain that they want the help first.

AgathaF · 16/05/2016 20:33

I wouldn't like it. I think it's quite weird that she even looked in your laundry basket to know that you had unwashed washing, never mind actually going through it and washing it.

nobilityobliges · 16/05/2016 20:37

Have not rtft, but have seen that the OP is doing an MBA, working a new job that is hard and doing most of the childcare (it seems). So why the hell is the washing her job in the first place?? DH needs to step up to the plate. I think that the OP's strong reaction to this reflects her guilt that she's not "doing it all" - because of course she's not, no one can do all the things she describes and do all the housework perfectly and singlehandedly.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/05/2016 20:40

We always have unwashed washing. I have a complicated system and wouldn't ever just bung everything in together. But yet we still have plenty of clean clothes to wear every day. Someone doing two loads of washing in my house just wouldn't be helping at all!

I also have dusty skirting boards, rooms of shame, some quite old suspect food at the back of my cupboards and weeds in my garden. I am not bothered by these so why should anyone else be?

nobilityobliges · 16/05/2016 20:43

And as to whether doing washing is terrible or fine, that just depends on your relationship with your mum or mil. I'd be completely fine with my mum coming over and doing it, and a bit embarrassed but basically fine about my mil doing it.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 16/05/2016 21:15

Haven't rtft but just adding to the voices saying that I wouldn't be happy to have someone go through my dirty laundry.

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 21:24

OK- so could all you people who hate it just think "Oh, well, I wish she hadn't, but she meant well-she was trying to be kind" and just make sure there isnMt any wqshing round next time? Why does it have to be a confrontation and men having to "stand up" to their mothers?

Obviously , if there was loads of history it would be different..........

monkeysox · 16/05/2016 21:28

Oh I miss my mum. Un asked for help is just lovely. Washing up magically done. Halo

Lovemylittlebears · 16/05/2016 21:31

I'd be mega grateful for the help but my mil would be just trying to be helpful :)

Merd · 16/05/2016 21:32

Well - first off, assuming everyone's reasonable, why do you think confrontation and standing up means a stand-up blazing row Bertrand? Anything can be done with grace and calm assertiveness surely?

Second, if everyone involved isn't reasonable, then just "not leaving any washing up around" won't fix it. There'd just be other PA digs.

Hopefully it's just the first for the OP and most people though Smile

littleshirleybeans · 16/05/2016 21:40

I'd go ballistic if anyone touched my washing! My mum would do some when she was here looking after the dc (for which I am very grateful) but ruined stuff and turned jumpers/tops into trapezoidal shapes when hanging it out 😤
I am extremely particular about washing and the drying thereof Grin
In fact, the only person in this house i'd actually trust to put a load on is 7 year old ds2 Grin

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/05/2016 21:41

Why shouldn't a person leave washing up lying around in their own home? Anyway, we aren't talking about washing up.

Why should this woman have to put her own wishes aside to keep the peace? Isn't that what women are repeatedly told to do ... be grateful and keep quiet?

fusionconfusion · 16/05/2016 21:43

My MIL packs dh's bags for him every time he goes there. If this was all it might be sweet but it is symptomatic of the way she treats him like an overgrown baby, tutting at how fat he is and how "she's not feeding you right", commenting on the quality of his clothes, making comments that his job isn't good enough (he's a Principal in his line of work), that he doesn't save enough money (she has no idea how much we save or not), that he doesn't know how to discipline the children effectively (e.g. he can't get a two year old to stop shouting at the dinner table). These things always have context. I am sure there are many lovely MILs who genuinely are trying to be helpful. And many who really need to just cut the apron strings.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/05/2016 21:46

Bertrand why are you so desperate for women to put aside their own wishes, defer to the phantom laundresses and modify the way they choose to run their home so it meets with the approval of said phantom laundresses.
Why shouldn't the phantom laundresses just, you know, stop with the unsolicited washing if they are upsetting people.

Eeyore86 · 16/05/2016 22:14

A bit off topic from OP's situation but I'm now quite concerned about DP's parents and their reaction when they get home in a couple of days, DP and I had been to stay with them overnight and after his parents left today (DF is having hospital treatment) I cleaned the kitchen and the living room so that it was one thing less for his parents to worry about whilst DP sorted some other bits out and we got them a bit of a food shop as well so that they didn't need to worry about it when they were home and his mum could work and look after her husband without worrying about the house, was this actually a really bad idea and she'll be mortified at us cleaning? I'd hate to think that this will have made and already bad time worse and it could be seen as judging them rather then genuinely trying to help?

Baconyum · 16/05/2016 22:16

Bertrand it's perhaps worth noting that all the OP said in response was

"Thank you but you really shouldn't have" which is a lot calmer and more polite than I'd have been! Yet the Mil took the huff even at that!

Going by responses on the thread its about 50/50 those who would feel it's an invasion of privacy which suggests that's not a wildly unusual response, Mil also removed the laundry from op's home and washed it in her home with the wrong detergent which she knew caused an allergy issue AND there's already a fraught relationship which I'm sure the Mil is aware of.

So when EVERYTHING is considered, not so unreasonable.